Dorm Room by Numbers
A user-friendly guide to decorating cliches, from Marxist poster boys to pop-top paraphernalia
by Cody De Vos
All right, college student. If you have ever considered dreadlocks, now is the time. If you've long nurtured a dream of fomenting campus rebellion or breaking through the doors of perception with a psychotropic battering ram, go for it. These are the years for bold declarations of your individuality.
Just know that, in making these declarations—especially where decorating your dorm room is concerned—you'll find yourself in astonishingly similar company. If you can make it through college without a Beatles poster, a vintage T-shirt or a lava lamp, you've either attained the qualities of a Nietzschean Superman before turning 25, or you've lived a life so painfully out of touch with mainstream culture that you're a suitable candidate for monastic life.
It's not your fault. Thanks to the magic of mass production, it's far more likely that your attempt at a unique identity stamp will be shared by half the people you know. They may as well hand out this stuff in a welcome basket at orientation, along with that standard-issue Salvador Dali melting-clocks poster.
It's best to look at these cultural foundations as the training wheels you'll use while inching toward your adult identity. You could also just call them "friend-makers": universal touchstones that will show everyone where you stand immediately upon entering your dorm room. Here are a few perennial college accessories, along with some handy suggestions to help you reach that next rung of self-definition.
THE CHE GUEVARA T-SHIRT
What It Says:I'm against all kinds of exploitation—in a roguishly handsome way.
What Might Say It Better: Piercing gaze, beard.
Shelf Life: Most students start to shy away from Che Guevara when they realize they actually sort of like capitalism, but this little wonder never fails to impress freshmen and sophomores.
Next Step: Woodrow Wilson T-shirt.
THE BEER-THEMED POSTER
What It Says: Me? I'm here to party!
What Might Say It Better: All those pictures on the corkboard of you, partying.
Shelf Life: Varies. Could be thrown away after junior year. Could be saved and hung in home office to remind you of all those times you partied. Man, you sure knew how to party.
Next Step: Framed vintage advertisements for exotic European liquors.
SKULL-THEMED EVERYTHING
What It Says: I like to rock the fuck out!
What Might Say It Better: Breaking shit.
Shelf Life: Rock right and most of your skull decorations will be lost or smashed by the time you graduate/drop out and get a job at the video store. Hold on to the skull ashtray, though. It'll make a good conversation starter.
Next Step: Egyptian-themed everything.
DOG-EARED COPY OF ON THE ROAD
What It Says: I'm open to whatever life has to offer. We should totally go on a road trip together this summer.
What Might Say It Better: Actually, nothing. Just don't ever think of reading anything else Jack Kerouac ever wrote.
Shelf Life: If you read it in high school, don't even bring it with you. If you must read it in college, make sure it's out of your room by junior year.
Next Step: Half-read copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
FEAR AND LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS COLLECTOR'S EDITION DVD
What It Says: I read sometimes, but mostly I'm into doing drugs (see also: High Times subscription).
What Might Say It Better: Dog-eared copy of Denis Johnson's Jesus' Son.
Shelf Life: Hold on to the DVD, but stop holding stoned midnight screenings after freshman year.
Next Step: Cleaning up your act, finally getting around to reading Hell's Angels, realizing that Hunter S. Thompson was actually a pretty good writer when he wasn't strutting through the '70s like a drug-sodden peacock.
KITSCHY THRIFT STORE DECOR
What It Says: I'm so far around the "ironic" curve that when I say I think something's "awesome," you won't know if I mean "awesome-awesome" or "lame-awesome."
What Might Say It Better: Even more kitschy thrift store decor.
Shelf Life: You can keep it up well into your 20s before you start to feel like you're living in the Museum of Bad Taste, or John Waters' basement.
Next Step: IKEA furniture, organic groceries and un-ironic brunch gatherings. Awesome!
LEGEND: THE BEST OF BOB MARLEY & THE WAILERS CD
What It Says: I'm finally free from the shackles of my parents' rules, and I'm ready to liberate my mind and body—perhaps with a hemp necklace.
What Might Say It Better: University fleece jacket, printed copy of course schedule, any material evidence that you are currently enrolled in college.
Shelf Life: Probably still on the iPod of everyone who attended college between 1984 and present.
Next Step: Peter Tosh, Big Youth, Black Uhuru. (Note: This almost never happens.)
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