What to do with 174 bug-eyed, bad-crazy, flesh-ripping Chihuahuas—little 6-pound dome-headed devil dogs so vicious they’ll kill each other, and anything else they can get hold of, without mercy? Right now, dog mavens in Los Angeles are struggling to answer that very question.
I know some of you are thinking, Chihuahuas aren’t mean. They’re cute. They get featured in Reese Witherspoon movies. They wouldn’t hurt anybody. Well, not these Chihuahuas. These little sumbitches are meaner than al-Qaeda, and twice as motivated.
How did Los Angeles end up with 174 killer Chihuahuas? Well, back in November, the Chihuahuas were seized from the home of 72-year-old Emma Harter. Harter apparently not only let the dogs go to hell, but actually walked ’em through the gates of a special Dog Hell, and straight into the demi-dog-demon transmogrifier, where they were turned into the hardened criminals they are today. Soon after the dogs were seized, Los Angeles dog experts decided that the canines were too dangerous to live with humans.
“They are very unsocialized,” said Kaye Michelson, a spokeswoman for Los Angeles Animal Care and Control. “They have severe behavior problems.” As far as I can tell, everybody who’s met these dogs says they’re trouble. Since arriving at the shelter, the pack’s dominant dogs have killed more than a dozen kennel mates, according to Michelson. The dogs’ fate was put in the hands of a judge, who must decide whether the animals will be rehabilitated, or euthanized and sent back to Dog Hell, this time for good.
If I were the judge, I’d have to disqualify myself from the case, on account of prejudice. Don’t get me wrong, I like dogs—hound dogs, retrieving dogs, Frisbee-chasing dogs, beer-drinking dogs and any decent-sized dog who’ll go to sleep on my feet. But I’ve got a real problem with Chihuahuas, with their half-popped-out eyes trying to work their way out of their sockets, the streams of putrid gas that flow out of their overpuckered little sphincters, the intractable eczema, and the disgusting way Chihuahuas drag their butts across carpets and couches.
To make it worse, I have no affection—and a fair bit of hatred—for badass dogs. I don’t care for pit bulls, rottweilers, ill-tempered shepherds, or any other dog that likes to chase or bite people. I dislike all bullies, but especially the little bitty ones. For instance, there was that mean kid, Melvin Minitor, back when I was in elementary school. He would pick a fight with me every day, and every day I’d arm-whip him around pro-wrestling style, then sling him into a sycamore tree. Given these experiences and prejudices, it wouldn’t do for me to pass judgment on death-row Chihuahua dogs. Heck, I’d send every Chihuahua convict named Sparky straight to the electric chair, just so I could say I’d done it.
I think I picked up my anti-Chihuahua prejudice several years back, when neighbor Gary and I were driving through the neighborhood, looking for good places to plant street trees. As we drove down Central Avenue, I saw an elderly Chihuahua in the middle of the road, chewing on his eczema-infested elbows and dragging his rear end across the asphalt. I spoke up: “Gary, don’t run over that Chihuahua, bro.”
Gary turned to me and said, “Why? Why shouldn’t I just run right over him?” I saw his point, and I made it part of my core beliefs.
Heaven help me, when I heard that the lives of 174 badass Chihuahuas were on the line, I couldn’t help but think about Jerry Reed’s song “Amos Moses”:
When Amos Moses was a boy
His daddy would use him for alligator bait
Tie a rope around his neck and throw him in the swamp
Alligator bait in the Louisiana bayou.
Trade a gone-bad Chihuahua for a gator. Sounds good to me. Frankly, I’m amazed that nobody brought it up before I did.
It’s good, I guess, that the Los Angeles Chihuahua situation is being debated by people who take their bug-eyed dogs seriously. On one side, there’s Chihuahua Rescue & Transport, a Texas outfit, which says the dogs just aren’t companion-animal material. They shouldn’t be adopted by “regular Joe families,” said Lynnie Bunten, spokesperson for the group.
On the other side, there’s Kimi Peck, Gregory Peck’s former daughter-in-law.
She says all the dogs should be rescued and placed with human caregivers.
Peck plans to hold a candlelight vigil for the Chihuahuas. Apparently, she loves mean little dogs but doesn’t like Bunten’s group. “They are Hitlers,” she told Reuters. “They won’t take dogs unless they are perfect.”
Nobody’s asking for my opinion, but I say give one snarly little Chihuahua to everybody who shows up at the candlelight vigil, and the rest go home with Peck.
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