Damian’s Lair 

Dear Damian: My fiancé asks me to dress up and talk like Marcia Brady when we have sex. I feel dirty and degraded, but he insists that everyone is doing it. Is he a freak? Nikki at Nite
Dear Damian: My fiancé asks me to dress up and talk like Marcia Brady when we have sex. I feel dirty and degraded, but he insists that everyone is doing it. Is he a freak? Nikki at Nite Dear Nikki: That’s a tough one. I don’t think this is any sort of pedophilia issue with your boyfriend—he’s just acting out of a fantasy he had as an adolescent. But I need more information. Are we talking 1969-72 Marcia Brady? Or 1973-74 Marcia Brady? Frankly, her boy-fantasy stock was on the decline in the last couple of seasons. She didn’t age well.   As far as your boyfriend’s statement that “everyone is doing it,” he’s lying to you there. It’s Jan Brady—1973-74 specifically—that everyone is doing. As any TV Land geek can tell you, she started off awkward and gangly, but by the final season she was hotter than Baghdad asphalt. Dear Damian: My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months now. We’ve talked about moving in together, but I have two dogs and he’s allergic to them. He insists I get rid of the dogs, but I’ve had them for six years, and I can’t imagine life without them. What should I do? Kay Nine Love Dear Kay: You’re not the first reader to encounter this dilemma, and my advice is the same as always. Do you want someone to love you unconditionally? Someone to be devoted, attentive and affectionate? Someone to comfort you when you’re sad, to protect you from harm? If so, keep the dogs, dump the guy. He’ll never live up to your ridiculous expectations. Sure, there are needs dogs can’t meet—but then again, how well does your boyfriend meet them? And even if he knows how to push your buttons, how long does that last, if you tallied it up? Three or four hours a week? A couple of AA batteries can take care of that, without the snoring afterward. Sure, the dogs can’t talk to you, but guys aren’t really interested in what you’re saying anyway. Frankly, I’ve lost interest in you already and I don’t even know you. Dear Damian: Are all men afraid of commitment? Frustrated Frannie Dear Frannie: Just the ones who aren’t married. Dear Damian: Are all women bitter? Misogynist Mike Dear Mike: Just the ones who aren’t married. Dear Damian: My husband has been bugging me to give him a hand job. I haven’t given a hand job since I was in 11th grade. We’re both in our 40s now, and I think it’s kind of creepy. Any thoughts? Manually Averse Dear Averse: There’s nothing creepy about it. Here’s the thing: when a boy is in his teens, he’s fantasizing about sex with the girl he’s secretly in love with. At the time, actually having sex seems unattainable. Now that he’s older and married, he can have sex almost anytime. So he’s fantasizing about fantasizing about sex, and that’s where the hand job comes in. Basically, whatever he can’t have is the object of desire. Don’t take it personally. Guys always want what they don’t have. Unless you have carpal tunnel syndrome, I say go for it. He’ll get tired of hand jobs, just like he gets tired of everything else you do. Dear Damian: My boyfriend Jerry is 54 and I’m 26. We have a great time together, but his female friends treat me like dirt. They don’t think we have anything in common, and call me “Trophy Girl” behind my back. Are they right? Should I be concerned? Lolita in Love Dear Lolita: First of all, you and Jerry have plenty in common. You’re a hot 26-year-old, and Jerry likes to sleep with hot 26-year-olds. You’re both carbon-based life forms. Jerry loves the Doobie Brothers, you were probably conceived at a Doobie Brothers concert. And, without knowing either of you personally, I’m willing to bet you both enjoy a good bottle of wine, great food and a good night’s rest. And vacations. Don’t let those jealous ol’ biddies rain on your parade. They’ll tell you that Jerry is just pretending to like Christina Aguilera, that he could care less about Project Runway. But they don’t know him like you do. He’s different from the rest—sweet, thoughtful, sensitive. There’s no chance he’ll lose interest in you. You’re far too interesting. I can tell just from your letter. If he does lose interest, I’m a good listener. Email me at damian@damianslair.com. We can discuss it over coffee, or maybe dinner.

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