Crazy Train
Prepare yourself physically and mentally for Bonnaroo—or pay the price
by Steve Haruch @steveharuch
WALK A LITTLE BIT, OR SOMETHING. In the weeks leading up to the festival, do whatever you can to get more exercise, especially for your lower body. Ride a bike, play roadie for your friends’ bands (or, if you’re a guitar player, actually carry your own shit for a change), whatever. You’re likely to walk an average of, uh, a bunch of miles per day around the festival site, so do yourself a favor and beef up those chopsticks in advance.
DO SOME DRUGS. If it’s been a while, and you think you might partake at Bonnaroo, do some drugs now, with friends. This is your chance to overdo it without winding up facedown in the dust begging Obi-Wan Kenobi for help. Calibrate your dosages, and see how much will make The Disco Biscuits sound awesome without requiring a stomach pump, a straitjacket or a hostile email to Facebook demanding they take down those photos of you with “I Am Retarded” written in Sharpie on your face.
FEEL THE BURN. About a week before Bonnaroo, set aside 24 hours for sensory overload training. Turn on every TV, stereo, alarm clock and iPod dock in your place and set them on full volume. Make sure it’s stiflingly hot. Remove any furniture. Coat the floor with dirt (optional). Finally, dip a fake moustache in patchouli and stick it under your nose. Now stand around and feel the burn! When you get tired, lie down under a heat lamp with a bedsheet over your face and imagine hippies touching you. (If you can sleep, it’s not hot enough. Start over.)
WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN. At least 24 hours before Bonnaroo, initiate radio silence. Do not listen to music. At all. If you’re one of those people who likes to listen to a band to get “psyched up” before seeing them, do not, under any circumstances, get psyched up. You will be sick of music by the end of Bonnaroo. The only question is how sick. Read a book, for crissakes.
BONUS ADVICE! Personal hygiene will be at a premium, so don’t wear a thong—those things are veritable germ superhighways, and ladies, when germs make the trip from, uh, the backcountry to the big city, you’re at risk for (cough) a yeast infection (cough). Also: Carbo-loading will help your stamina, so eat a lot of pasta before you leave for Manchester. And of course, stock up on sunblock, buy some clothes with mesh panels and practice holding your breath when you pee.
