About a year ago, I wrote about the orgasmatron—an implantable electronic gizmo that was designed to relieve chronic pain, but turned out to have a bonus feature. It could give a woman an orgasm at, well, the touch of a button. In that column, I predicted that sooner or later, an orgasmatron would be hooked up to a remote control.
I dreamily considered a world in which women sitting in Volvos in the school hookup line, women walking the aisles of Harris Teeter, and women lounging by the pool might be susceptible to signals from an orgasmatron universal remote. Heaven help me, I imagined myself having one of those universal remotes and setting it off every now and then during quiet moments at Titans games. Not to mention Starbucks, Lilith Fair and Green Hills Mall the day after Christmas.
I'm proud to say that I was right in my predictions about the orgasmatron. It's coming soon. And it's going to have a remote.
Winston-Salem, N.C., physician Stuart Meloy, the father of the orgasmatron, just finished a study in which 11 women got temporary orgasmatron implants. When button-pushing time came, 10 of the women curled up their toes, made the noises and the faces, and said that it was good. One of the women told ABC News: "Once we found the controls, what caused the stimulation to be greater...I saw the results. There were a couple of times that I had multiple orgasms. When I gave (the orgasmatron) back...it was like I was losing my best friend." Ten of the 11 women agreed: the orgasmatron rings the bells and blows the whistles.
I don't know what went wrong on the 11th woman. But when I ponder it, I imagine that woman might have been my eighth-grade history teacher, old horse-faced stop-and-stomp-the-roses Gloria Rush, who was so mean, grouchy and full of bile that she just didn't deserve an orgasm.
Anyhow, docs are likely to be prescribing—and implanting—orgasmatrons in the not-too-distant future. The gizmo is already FDA-approved for bladder problems and pain control. It's just a matter of time before it's approved for orgasms, too. Meloy says he expects the early units will go for around $17,000. Pretty dang cheap for a best friend.
Even as the orgasmatron nears production, the FDA last week declined to approve Intrinsa, Procter & Gamble's testosterone patch, which is meant to restore the libido of women who've lost their natural testosterone through surgery or disease.
I know some of you are thinking: "What, women have testosterone? I thought that was a guy thing."
Well, women do have testosterone. It comes from their ovaries and adrenal glands. Some women have more testosterone than others (remember the 1960s East German swim teams), and compared to men, women have drops of testosterone, while men have bucketfuls.
Testosterone does the same thing to women that it does to men: it gives them naughty thoughts and makes them want to have sex. Back in the '70s, Playboy columnist Cynthia Heimel got curious about the effects of testosterone, so she went out and scored some gray-market testosterone patches. Once she stuck on a patch, she had constant sexual thoughts and urges, much stronger than usual. She said she couldn't stop thinking about sex, even for a minute.
This comes as no surprise to men, of course. Testosterone is a powerful thing. Besides giving us men barely controllable urges, it gives us an unreasonable amount of confidence and an unbelievable ability to get things done. If you want to understand the power of testosterone, consider this: testosterone not only made Lyle Lovett think he could score with Julia Roberts, it made Lyle Lovett score with Julia Roberts.
Ironically, even though the FDA won't let Intrinsa patches reach the shelves anytime soon, women have been able to buy prescription testosterone for years. Besides testosterone patches, there are testosterone shots, gels and implants. If a woman has a medical need for testosterone, she can get it right now.
Apparently, the FDA was afraid that Intrinsa, which had been touted as "Viagra for women," would cause women to mob docs' offices, looking for a quick cure to sexual problems, which aren't all caused by low testosterone. At best, testosterone supplements can only make a woman feel as frisky as she felt when she had natural testosterone.
And while I'm thinking about Viagra: I don't know about y'all, but every time I see the Viagra commercial on TV, I wonder about that warning that says a man should seek immediate medical attention if his erection lasts for more than four hours. What happens after four hours? Does your little guy fall off?
I checked with one of my solid medical sources, and this is what he told me: Viagra, and drugs like Viagra, work by delaying the relaxation of the veins that let the blood out of the male member. If the blood gets stuck in there too long, the member gets starved of oxygen. That can actually lead to death of critical member cells. In short, a man's member could actually fall off.
So, guys, check the clock when Mr. No-Shoulders comes to attention. If you get near four hours of tumescence, ice your package down and head for the emergency room before it's too late.
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