Careful—that homely girl you mocked at dinner could really be a studly rock ‘n’ roller
by Lindsay Ferrier
Ever since my husband and I met nine years ago, we've played a little game we like to call "What's the Occasion?"It's a people-watching game. "What's the Occasion?" I'll murmur to Hubs, nodding at the table beside ours, where a gaggle of deferential music executives hangs on every word uttered by three teenagers sitting before them.
"What's the Occasion?" Hubs will snicker as we watch four drunken country club types attempt to board a boat at Blue Moon Lagoon.
There are also variations of the game, like "Is It a Paid Occasion?" I like to play this one at Bound'ry, where grandfatherly gentlemen are often joined at the bar by impossibly young blondes in skintight mini dresses.
And then there's "What's the Occasion This Time?," which we play whenever we see eye doctor/ballroom dancer Ming Wang out on the town, or country clothier Manuel. Let me tell you, those guys get around.
With nearly a decade of practice under my belt, I like to think I've gotten pretty good at the game. But occasionally, I'm still thrown for a loop. Take last week, at The Patterson House.
"Hey, check out the nerd herd over there," I said to Hubs over drinks at the bar. "What's the Occasion?"
Hubs looked up from his Manhattan and followed my gaze to a corner of the room, where 10 men stood in a self-consciously convivial throng, nearly identical in outdated button-down shirts and ties.
"Where do you think they're from?" I asked Hubs. "The Lockeland Springs chapter of The Orchid Society? The National Federation of Calligraphers?"
"I don't know," Hubs mused. "But they're acting pretty important."
"Who says calligraphers aren't important?" I asked. He was right, though. They were downing their Cooper's Brights and smirking at each other as if they owned the place.
"The strangest part is that woman standing in the middle," I said, leaning in toward Hubs confidentially. "I mean, logic would dictate that dyeing your hair black, parting it down the middle and wearing clunky glasses isn't the smartest way to land a man. And yet, there they are, fawning all over her."
"That's not a her," Hubs said. "That's a him."I looked closely. "Oh, Hubs," I scoffed. "I think I know a woman when I see one." "She's a he," Hubs insisted.
I frowned, unconvinced. We watched them for a little while longer before Hubs slapped his hands down on the bar.
"I've gotta ask," he said. I pursed my lips with disapproval. Actually asking about the occasion was a cardinal sin. We had tried it before with disappointing results. The group we'd identified as Soviet spies turned out to be Chilean businessmen in town for a meeting. The couple we'd pegged as swingers were actually Jehovah's Witnesses.
Still, I had to admit I was just as curious as Hubs to learn the identity of The Patterson House's resident geek squad.
"Who are those guys?" Hubs said to our bartender the next time he stopped by.
The bartender looked at Hubs like he'd asked who was president. "The Raconteurs," he answered.
Hubs laughed a little too loud. "See?" he asked me, as if he'd known all along. I rolled my eyes.
"The Raconteurs," Hubs mused with the air of a Rolling Stone writer. "Of course." He raised his eyebrows at the bartender. "In fact, this seems to be the kind of place a man like Jack White would enjoy. Am I right?"
"Well," the bartender said slowly. "I mean, yeah. The Raconteurs are his band."I snorted. "Duh," I said to Hubs. He glared at me.
Though embarrassing, this most recent bout of "What's the Occasion" did give us us a new variation, one that's perfect for anyone out and about in Nashville: "Are You Famous or Just Weird Looking?"
You've probably played it before without realizing it. Is that one of the Oak Ridge Boys or an off-season mall Santa? Kid Rock or an East Nashville crack addict? Nicole Kidman? Or... Nicole Kidman?
What's the Occasion? You may think it's silly now, but I'm guessing you'll thank me for this idea the next time you're stuck in line at the DMV.
And, um, my apologies to The Raconteurs. Especially the one with the long black hair. It's a fabulous look. Really.
Comments (38)
Showing 1-25 of 38
Ha! That's funny! My hubby and I really like Jack White, but i do know what you mean about the extreme styles of many celebrities, and often, many non-celebrities. :) You make me laugh again, Lindsay! http://mandiesmumlbings.blogspot.com
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Hahaha. Awesome. Is it strange that I pegged the long-haired guy as a likely Jack White before Hubs found out they were the Raconteurs? I saw the White Stripes in London while I was living in Oxford and, thanks to my friend's desire to be RIGHT IN FRONT, I got crushed and had to spend the rest of the concert backstage. Of course, the irony was that I got closer to Jack and Meg than my friend did, and I had a hell of a lot more elbow room.
Swingers turning out to be Jehovah Witnesses - classic. Great story. K http://stepford-stories.blogspot.com
And just so you don't slip up the next time you see Jack White, know that he's already moved on. Now he's with his third act, The Dead Weather. Personally, I miss White Stripes days.... ....oh, and I'm surprised you didn't surmise he was Wormtongue in the flesh...that's a much better deduction than a awkward female. :)
Hilarious - it is fun to celebrity spot in Nashville. I used to work at J. Alexander's and Keith and Nicole were regulars there - pre-baby - and so was Jack White come to think of it... www.bspeight.blogspot.com
Funny story. It is easy to forget we live in Nashville sometimes. I love your writing and have added you as a favorite on my blog! http://glowplanet.blogspot.com/ Regards, Meredith
I may have to start playing that game. It sounds more intellectual than the "Grow an Imaginary Mullet On That Guy" game I used to play. www.revandthemissus.blogspot.com
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This is truly awful to admit, but when I lived in Cleveland, OH my friend and I have a game we played. Is it a homeless person or... a trash can, flower pot, garbage heaps, sculptures. You name it. The homeless come out a lot at night in the downtown area and we would drive around trying to spot them. Wow. That sounds awful yes?
We play,"What celebrity does that person look like?" We saw a faux Kate Gosselin at the amusement park, complete with part Asian kid.
That's hilarious. From the days thatmy coworkers were huge White Stripes fans I can totally envision Jack White being mistaken for a woman. But acting like they owned the place..?? Sorry, I could never help but think, "Can you learn a few more chords, Jack?" :) http://wideopenworld.wordpress.com
Never heard of them, I loved the White Stripes but lost track of Jack White after Elephant came out. Think I'll blast this CD on the way to work! http://sprocketswife.blogspot.com/
Thank you for the smiles...me and my mom play a variation of this game. Maybe I can get my hubby on board too the next time we are out and about town. www.brookeblogsthis.blogspot.com
Very funny! I try to keep my cool when I think I've spotted someone famous. My husband is no help in figuring out who these alleged celebrities are. If I'm terrible at recognizing famous people, he's worse. The other day I actually recognized someone, though. It was none other than Tom Cruise (he's in town filming). I was starstruck; my husband was unimpressed. Of course! urbanowl.wordpress.com
Sorry, I still don't know who they are. I never heard of them or that name, Jack White.
I've always thought Jack was a little on the pretty side myself, but it cracks me up that you thought he was a girl. See if you lived in Houston, Texas, you'd rarely run into all these celebrities and have these kind of snafus. Guess that's the fun in living in Nashville, eh? http://cattywampuslife.com
you would think living in chicago i would have more opportunity to play this game. obviously, we just don't move in the right circles! i did see the bulls one time (in the michael jordan era) in the airport but i didn't know enough then to know they were who i was seeing. i do look forward to having more opportunities to play "what's the occasion?" when we have lived here long enough to have a broader circle...
Oh, Lindsey! How you make me miss Nashvegas! I was raised there and I worked at Rivergate Mall all through high school and my friends and I played the same game. The place was veritably crawling with celebrities. We probably have the same number of celebs in Atlanta, I just don't recognize them because, well, I don't listen to rap or hip-hop enough. Although, when I gave birth to my first son, we found out he was born in the same delivery room as Ludacris' son and according to our nurse that was quite the occasion. I know I'm late to the game with comment, but if you'd like to stop by my blog, it can be found at http://belleoftheblog.blogspot.com. Thanks!
Nashville. Not at all what I expected when we moved there. I couldn't believe how many famous people were hanging out in Nashville's modest haunts. The year we lived there I really really really wanted to see Jack White. Or Jack Black? Whatever. Great column, as always! http://www.jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
So, basically you and your husband go out and make fun of people who are not as "cool" as you. Nerd herd and geek squad? Are you still in High School? You have not changed one bit. Sad.
Lindsay - I have always respected your parenting style and thought you were raising your children to respect others. I know some people may think I am overreacting, but I don't find making fun of people who look/act different than I do very funny. I hope you don't play your game around your children so that they think it's ok to judge people on thier looks. I really thought you were a bigger person.
