Canadian electro-funk duo Chromeo might make the best baby-making music of the 21st century
Chrome Is Where the Heart Is
by Sean L. Maloney
Baby-making music: The most amorphous and beloved of all musical genres. Everybody has their favorite baby-making music, even if they're not actually looking to, y'know, make a baby. But it doesn't have its own section at the record store. Even the folks most averse to whipping up a batch of zygote gumbo have a soundtrack for when they, uh, practice. But with the exception of the occasional spontaneous practice session with, say, Coffinworm or Eyehategod blaring in the background, most people's preferred soundtrack sexing up other people's private parts can be summed up in one word: "smooth." To paraphrase the old saying, you catch more honey with Barry White than with Virgin Killer.
So when Chromeo, the reigning Quebecois kings of smoothed-out funk pop, blast out the first chord in their new video for "When the Night Falls" and a female audience member is instantly impregnated, it's not just a funny sight gag, but a statement of purpose. It's a sly wink and a nudge, an acknowledgment of shared purpose between artist and audience. It's a knowing nod from your consummate wingmen that there's not a long road from pressing play on your audio device of choice to pressing private parts together like puzzle pieces. Chromeo knows what goes on when your Chromeo albums turn on.
And while there is some novelty in the literalism of the "When the Night Falls" — OK, a lot of novelty, especially when the video hits '80s-action-movie mode with Chromeo members Dave 1 and P-Thugg running from a pack of angry preggers — it serves a very necessary function: keeping things sexy. Pop music, though inundated with sex, tends to be of the awkward-groping-teenager or blacked-out-binge-drinker variety — neither of which is very sexy if you're grown and sorta sober. Rock radio is aggressively adolescent in its sexual mores. Indie rock is essentially an entire culture of eighth-note-playing eunuchs. And dance music today — don't even get me started! The only upside to dubstep's unsexy lurch and its ascendance to the top of the dance-music pack is that there's little chance of the world being flooded with Skrillex-looking flipper babies anytime soon.
Which is all to say that there is a true and worrying dearth of genuine baby-making music being made today. Is this why current American fertility levels, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, are at only 2.1 children per woman? Is our current lack of mood music the reason the ladies can't seal the deal on the last 90 percent of that kid? We're not scientists — social or otherwise — but we're going to say yes. Hell, we could probably come up with an infographic paralleling the drop in birth rates with sales of Love Unlimited albums, and infographics are almost like science — just prettier. Granted, there's also the possibility that Coldplay songs cause sterility and their 10-year reign on the pop charts has shriveled more testicles than Susan Boyle nude photos and anabolic steroids combined, but that's just a theory.
So how do we, as nonscientists, propose to right this unsexy ship? Chromeo records, three a day everyday until people get down to business, so to speak. From their debut, She's in Control, to their latest, Business Casual, Chromeo bangs out the 21st century's best baby-making music, full of sultry synth work and seductive hooks. Chromeo's beats pulse with the rhythm of love and soak the sheets with the sounds of sensuality. It's music for people who are looking for more than a blacked-out threesome with sorta-attractive strangers, for people who desire an experience that they couldn't have in middle school and for people who, well, don't mess around when it comes to messing around. And even if kicking the fertility rate up a notch isn't on your agenda, Chromeo is great for practicing.
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