by Damian WinthropLove advice from the
Scene's resident literary lotharioDear Damian: I've been trying for months to drop subtle hints that my girlfriend and I just aren't working out. But she doesn't seem to be getting the picture: She starts to vacuum or whistles whenever I bring up the subject, and I saw her thumbing through an issue of Tennessee Bride the other day. How can I get the message across and maybe even make her think it's her idea?Heartbreak Hal
Dear Hal: The mature approach would be to sit her down, away from the vacuum cleaner (or any other noise-making appliances), and frankly tell her that you don't feel like it's working out. But let's face facts—if you were mature, you wouldn't be reading this column, and if I were mature, I wouldn't be writing it. So let's consider viable solutions for emotionally stunted males.First, there's the ever popular “act like an asshole” approach. Ignore her while she's talking, ogle other women when you're out at restaurants, forget her birthday, complain about her parents and just start acting like an all-around cad. (I'm guessing this won't be too much of a stretch for you.) If that's not working, you may have to consider more extreme measures. There are endless possibilities. Become a crackhead and sell all of her possessions for drugs. Get drunk and bring home a couple of hookers and suggest that she join the three of you for an all-out orgy. Start a religious cult and tell her that, as the Messiah, you need to take seven wives, all of them virgins. Become a diehard Nickleback fan. If after all of this, she still looks at you googly-eyed and says, giggling, “Oh, you're such a sillyhead,” then you may be dealing with a code-red psycho, and you may need to resort to the extreme measures I recently employed to shake loose from my last girlfriend-turned-stalker. First, start a low-level drug-dealing or numbers operation. When the Mob starts to muscle you for a piece of the action, befriend their enforcer, telling him of a lucrative scenario that could net millions for his “associates.” Slowly work your way up the Mafia ladder, and when you've finally gotten to meet with the top dons, call the FBI, turn state's evidence and enter the witness protection program, which will relocate you and create a new, untraceable identity. You didn't really believe I was born with the name Damian Winthrop, did you? Need advice from the world's greatest lover? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.