Our usual sports columnist failed to submit an article this week. One hour before press time on Wednesday morning, we finally located him, hunched over the Scene sports desk at McCabe’s Pub, where he muttered something about watching coverage of the Clinton-Lewinsky drama for 36 consecutive hours. Instead of leaving this space blank, we have released below an unedited transcription of the scribbled notes we found in his possession. We apologize for any embarrassment or inconvenience this may cause our readers.
:Blow, blew, blown.
Mets blow their last five games and their chances. Giants blow 7-0 lead on last day of season to slide into playoff, which they lose. Cubs blow sure win at Milwaukee to slide into playoff, which they almost blow in ninth.
Florida blows big field goal in Neyland. Umpire blows call on an apparent Mc-Gwire home run. Hurricane blows through Gulf. Nebraska blows past Washington. Oilers blow 12-point lead.
And here it all is, in the media. How are we supposed to explain it to our kids?
Overheard quote: “Don’t you bet Ted Kennedy is happier than a ham in sauce about now since he blew his chance to become president?”
Bud. I know Bud means well, because you couldn’t mean to blow it this bad, but are you starting to think the guy could screw up a one-man rock fight? Now, he tells us, fans won’t even enjoy the illusion that their suggestions for a new team name will matter. Instead, he says, fans can guess what nickname his cross-sectional committee of toe-suckers will come up with (and win season tickets if they guess right!).
Hmmm, Bud, three guessesand the first two (1. Oilers; 2. Toilers, Spoilers, Pot-boilers, Foilers, or Tillers-of-Soilers) don’t count. Watch for the brain trust to come up with something safe and dorky; something that will salve Memphians by allowing them to laugh at us; something like the Tennessee Pioneers or the Trackers.
Note to self: Suggest contest in which readers win free copies of Scene by guessing best names LEAST likely to be picked. Answers: 1. Tennessee Cousins (possible slogan: [Bleep] y’all, too!]; 2. Tennessee Bootleggers (nice combination of football and moonshining references); 3. Tennessee Trailers; 4. Tennessee Cigars (as in “close but no”); 5. Pant-Soilers.
By the way, how could Oilers blow so ignominiously against San Diegoand make Ryan Leaf look like God’s gift to gridiron? Most embarrassing part is that, after making more turnovers than Mickey D’s, Leaf has even lower rating than Peyton, besides which he is spoiled, vain, self-absorbed jerk. Rich, self-absorbed jerk. Add obvious code words here, like “big, strapping,” self-absorbed jerk. Hey, Monica-bait!
Note to self: Investigate whether Dudley Field, borrowed by Oilers from Vandy, is built on site of Cherokee burial ground. Or maybe carries ancient curse. If I’m Woody and Jeff Fisher, that’s my story and I stick to it.
Speaking of which, how about Sports Illustrated rating Vanderbilt as one of the season’s most disappointing football teams? Talk about your Low Blow City. You know you’ve reached the slimy bottom when you can’t even meet the expectations of people who never expected anything from you to begin with.
The sad, sorry fact is that Vandy is still far from being equal to any SEC opponent (depending, as Bill carefully noted, on what “is” means). We mean: “is” unable to avoid killer turnovers, “is” penetrated like a butterfly net, and “is” drawing more head-shaking looks of pity than Linda Tripp’s son.
If Gary Busey is still alive, he could star in “Ghost II” as Bear Bryant, blowing in from heaven to kick butts of entire Tide coaching staff and team, who were beaten like Singaporean dope fiends by Arkansas. Visitor to Scene sports desk suggests that Hogs perhaps adopted Bill Clinton’s motto: “Never give a sucker an even break.”
Note: Ask Willy Stern to help investigate whether Bama coach Mike DuBose, as a state employee, can be impeached.
Where are congressmen like Bill Boner now that our president needs them?
When they meet in November for the Big 12 North title, I hope that Kansas State blows by Nebraska 69-0. Afterwards, I hope they drag Nebraska’s vanquished mercenaries off the field by the hair, in mock tribute to Lawrence Phillips.
Note: Delete above, since it might create appearance of bias.
P.S.: Never mind. Attribute this sentiment to unnamed press box denizens at UT-Florida game, which will cover it with the breastplate of credibility and the helmet of righteousness and, as Henry Kissinger used to say, the added virtue of happening to be true.
Suggested strategic blows for Clinton: Confuse Republicans and capture pivotal white male Southern vote by pointing out: (a) Monica, after all, is twice the legal age of consent in Arkansas; and (b) if any high crime merited impeachment, it was dumping the lovely and talented Gennifer Flowers for that heinous, bent-nosed Jones woman.
On subject of ties worn by Bill, is that college-football tie rule the most imbecilic idea you’ve ever heard of? Why not resolve overtimes in basketball by shooting free throws?
Who wants to bet that Ken Starr turns out to be one of those deacons who blows $50 a month on porno magazines? Evidently, almost no one, since the only person I could find to take that wager happened to be the same, single coed who stubbornly refused to believe an assertion from down the bar that, during his college days, Trent Lott once attended a Chi-O party as Dorothy, right down to the ruby slippers (thereby upholding a fundamental natural law that the biggest homophobes inevitably own the most shoes).
Patriotism, said Dr. Johnson, is last refuge of a scoundrel. True enough, I’ve heard only one patriotic statement in the past few weeks that sounded genuine: last thing Sosa said in locker-room interview, after Cubs beat Giants Monday night to reach playoffs. “Thank you,” exulted Sammy, a native of the Dominican Republic. “God bless America.”
Something to think about. Where else could all of us share vicariously in the experience of our president, thanks to a prosecutor striking a blow for liberty? Where else but Washington could a house of prostitutes sit in judgment of a predatory john? Where else could we get for free in our newspapers and on CNN what citizens of other lands have to visit adult bookstores to find? Sammy is right. Is this a phat country, or whut?
How It Looks From The La-Z-Boy
TCU 27, Vanderbilt 17
Ole Miss 21, South Carolina 14
Tennessee 24, Auburn 14
Florida 41, Alabama 17
LSU 24, Georgia 20
Kentucky 35, Arkansas 30
Ohio State 27, Penn State 16
Yankees over Rangers (in 4)
Red Sox over Indians (in 5)
Braves over Cubs (in 3)
Astros over Padres (in 5)