By Ben Taylor

As we enter into the first full television season of the 21st century, I have only one piece of advice for the viewer: Have a sense of humor and low expectations. After a dismal season last year that saw only 5 of the 20 odd programs debuted last fall returning to prime time, the big networks are playing it safe. And playing it safe means making all the same misguided mistakes we’ve seen a hundred times before.

While the competing networks rush to copy Survivor, a lot of reliable old favorites have reached their shelf life. So here’s a night-by-night run-down of what’s new and worth it and what’s old and worthless (or vice versa).

Sunday

As much as it pains me to say it, the most original show of the past decade, Fox’s The Simpsons, has fewer wall-to-wall laugh episodes every year. Going into its 12th (!) season, it may be going, going, gone. The X-Files begins its eighth season with David Duchovny committed to only a handful of episodes, leaving the show (severely on the decline) to be carried on the adorable but not necessarily capable shoulders of Gillian Anderson. Producers insist Anderson’s new partner, Robert Patrick, will reinvigorate things. I say Chris Carter has run out of juice.

King of the Hill has consistently been the brightest animated show of the past three years and is the true heir to The Simpsons’ throne. Malcolm in the Middle, with its view of the world through the eyes of its child characters, was the most original thing that came along last year, and Jane Kaczmarek—a mixture of terror and all-knowing mystery to her kids—is the best TV mom to come along in decades. NBC’s Ed, created by former Late Show with David Letterman producer Rob Burnett, has benefited from positive advance word on star Tom Cavanagh. But the premise—that a corporate lawyer returns to the small town he grew up in to reconnect with his adolescent crush—sounds hackneyed at best. If none of that appeals to you, ABC will be challenging limited intellects with Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? as well as plot plausibility with a show I like to call “The Craptice” in which unctuous lawyers manage to avoid disbarment and win cases while constantly insulting the judges who try them.

Monday

Usually a television graveyard, the only new show of note is David E. Kelly’s Boston Public on Fox. From the looks of the commercials, this teacher drama seems to continue in the Ally McBeal creator’s tradition of overwrought melodrama, ludicrous plot contrivances, and anorexic actors. Take refuge in ABC’s Monday Night Football. Love him or hate him, you have to admit Dennis Miller provides some much needed relief from the tired jock banter of yore.

Tuesday

Very iffy. Two star-vehicle-wrecks-waiting-to-happen come in ABC’s The Geena Davis Show and NBC’s The Michael Richards Show. The titles of both programs let you know that they’re rife with originality and comic invention. Davis’ show is so pedestrian that I’d nod off explaining it to you, while Richards’ bumbling private detective might as well be considered an unfunny Kramer in a bad Seinfeld spinoff. Titanic director and ego James Cameron tries his hand at the boob tube with Fox’s Dark Angel. This sci-fi yarn about a genetically enhanced human prototype on the run from the government could be fun, but the combination of a goofy sci-fi premise and babe Jessica Alba feels more suited for late night on Cinemax than prime-time TV. After failing to live up to the ratings expectations of the 8 p.m. Thursday-night time slot, Frasier has been demoted back to Tuesdays and may be at the end of its rope. With the Niles/Daphne romance finally laid to rest last year, you have to wonder how much subtext these neurotic psychiatrists have to work with in their eighth season.

ABC has once again insulted its most prestigious drama by banishing NYPD Blue to midseason in favor of airing the maudlin family drama Once and Again, which should be subtitled Supersensitive People and Their Emotional Baggage. Beleaguered Blue’s script auteur David Milch, whose brilliant dialogue gave the show one of its most distinct flavors, left the show, while actor James McDaniel departs midseason, leaving Dennis Franz and Gordon Clapp as the only original players. The only sure bet on Sunday is the increasingly pitch-perfect comedy That ’70s Show, which features some of the best young actors around and the hysterical Kurtwood Smith as Eric’s hardass father. Oh yeah, and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? will be on ABC.

Wednesday

Set your VCR and get ready for guilty pleasure. Aaron Spelling’s back with Titans, a future trash classic founded on the old-wealthy-family-with-a-million-skeletons-in-its-closet concept. The only problem is NBC is marketing it as camp right from the start; if the show is too self-conscious, it may not work. On the other hand, it stars Yasmine Bleeth, who is always worth a look. Fox offers interesting competition in The $treet. Creator Darren Starr (90210, Melrose Place, Sex in the City) knows his way around beautiful people and ludicrously titillating plots. In this Wall Street drama, twentysomething stockbrokers navigate wealth and sexual politics. With a suprisingly talented cast with which you can have fun playing “Hey weren’t they in...?” including Tom Everett Scott (Boiler Room), Adam Goldberg (Dazed and Confused), and Jennifer Connelly (Labyrinth), this could be the fall’s surprise hit show. CBS offers Welcome to New York, featuring the forked tongue of former Cybil costar Christine Baranski in a much-deserved lead role. CBS’ Bette Midler vehicle, Bette, received the strongest enthusiasm from critics when its pilot was screened last May, but I can’t stand the woman, so you’re on your own with that one. NBC’s The West Wing was last year’s breakout hit, and though it can be a tad over the top at times, Aaron Sorkin’s dialogue is some of the sharpest and smartest around. How often can you watch a prime-time drama that contains an intelligent debate about the census? Lastly, I’d like to give a shout out to WB’s Felicity. Much like 90210, its melodramatic angst becomes addictive; it also features a much more talented cast. Meanwhile, in a display of uncommon audacity, ABC will be airing Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Thursday

Once must-see, NBC’s “Must-See TV” looks grim this year. The only new program, Cursed, starring Wings’ Steven Weber, might be just that. The plot seems to consist only of a guy with an unending case of bad luck, which should relegate it to being the meat in NBC’s sandwich concept of programming: Put a bad show between two good ones and people will watch. Friends is going into its seventh season with a bunch of overpaid actors who stalled for bigger checks and a new contract—a sign that this show has made the last step from inspired ensemble comedy to heartless franchise. On the other hand, watching neurotic nutjobs Chandler and Monica plan their wedding all year could be gut-bustingly funny.

Will & Grace, successful due to its hysterical supporting characters, should be called Jack and Karen; it takes over the sacred 8 p.m. time slot this year. It’s sure to be hit or miss. NBC’s ER, which has suffered such a drastic drop in quality it needs to be intubated, probably won’t bounce back this year. Also, keep in mind this is the last night of the week you can get a cerebral workout with ABC’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Friday-Saturday

If you are actively planning to watch network TV on the weekend, you need to do a serious life reassessment. But if you feel it’s necessary, the word is that despite being totally unoriginal, CBS’ The Fugitive will be a sure crowd-pleaser. If you like your shows inexplicably bizarre, you can catch the sitcom Madigan Men on ABC. Candace Bushnell created this as the male version of her HBO comedy Sex in the City starring Irish film actor Gabriel Byrne (excellent casting when you consider that when he set that car afire with the two policeman trapped in it in The Usual Suspects, I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself). On the WB you have Grosse Point, a Soap-style spoof of 90210 created, oddly enough, by Darren Starr. Reportedly, the character that parodied Tori Spelling was rendered so viciously that Aaron Spelling himself asked the creators to back off.

That’s pretty much the tall and the short of it. Keep an eye out for midseason, where Fox has put its best prospects for the second year in a row. The Lone Gunmen features the nerdy conspiracy guys from The X-Files, and definitely look forward to The Tick, a live-action version of the former cult Saturday morning superhero spoof starring the lovably deadpan Daniel Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld). It’s helmed by the perfectly suited sensibilities of Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black). If you don’t have HBO, you’ve got till March to get it, because that’s when the new season kicks off for The Sopranos, by far the best thing on television right now. Otherwise, get out of the house and quit watching this idiot box. It’ll rot your brain.

Wednesday

Set your VCR and get ready for guilty pleasure. Aaron Spelling’s back with Titans, a future trash classic founded on the old-wealthy-family-with-a-million-skeletons-in-its-closet concept. The only problem is NBC is marketing it as camp right from the start; if the show is too self-conscious, it may not work. On the other hand, it stars Yasmine Bleeth, who is always worth a look. Fox offers interesting competition in The $treet. Creator Darren Starr (90210, Melrose Place, Sex in the City) knows his way around beautiful people and ludicrously titillating plots. In this Wall Street drama, twentysomething stockbrokers navigate wealth and sexual politics. With a suprisingly talented cast with which you can have fun playing “Hey weren’t they in...?” including Tom Everett Scott (Boiler Room), Adam Goldberg (Dazed and Confused), and Jennifer Connelly (Labyrinth), this could be the fall’s surprise hit show. CBS offers Welcome to New York, featuring the forked tongue of former Cybil costar Christine Baranski in a much-deserved lead role. CBS’ Bette Midler vehicle, Bette, received the strongest enthusiasm from critics when its pilot was screened last May, but I can’t stand the woman, so you’re on your own with that one. NBC’s The West Wing was last year’s breakout hit, and though it can be a tad over the top at times, Aaron Sorkin’s dialogue is some of the sharpest and smartest around. How often can you watch a prime-time drama that contains an intelligent debate about the census? Lastly, I’d like to give a shout out to WB’s Felicity. Much like 90210, its melodramatic angst becomes addictive; it also features a much more talented cast. Meanwhile, in a display of uncommon audacity, ABC will be airing Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Thursday

Once must-see, NBC’s “Must-See TV” looks grim this year. The only new program, Cursed, starring Wings’ Steven Weber, might be just that. The plot seems to consist only of a guy with an unending case of bad luck, which should relegate it to being the meat in NBC’s sandwich concept of programming: Put a bad show between two good ones and people will watch. Friends is going into its seventh season with a bunch of overpaid actors who stalled for bigger checks and a new contract—a sign that this show has made the last step from inspired ensemble comedy to heartless franchise. On the other hand, watching neurotic nutjobs Chandler and Monica plan their wedding all year could be gut-bustingly funny.

Will & Grace, successful due to its hysterical supporting characters, should be called Jack and Karen; it takes over the sacred 8 p.m. time slot this year. It’s sure to be hit or miss. NBC’s ER, which has suffered such a drastic drop in quality it needs to be intubated, probably won’t bounce back this year. Also, keep in mind this is the last night of the week you can get a cerebral workout with ABC’s Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

Friday-Saturday

If you are actively planning to watch network TV on the weekend, you need to do a serious life reassessment. But if you feel it’s necessary, the word is that despite being totally unoriginal, CBS’ The Fugitive will be a sure crowd-pleaser. If you like your shows inexplicably bizarre, you can catch the sitcom Madigan Men on ABC. Candace Bushnell created this as the male version of her HBO comedy Sex in the City starring Irish film actor Gabriel Byrne (excellent casting when you consider that when he set that car afire with the two policeman trapped in it in The Usual Suspects, I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself). On the WB you have Grosse Point, a Soap-style spoof of 90210 created, oddly enough, by Darren Starr. Reportedly, the character that parodied Tori Spelling was rendered so viciously that Aaron Spelling himself asked the creators to back off.

That’s pretty much the tall and the short of it. Keep an eye out for midseason, where Fox has put its best prospects for the second year in a row. The Lone Gunmen features the nerdy conspiracy guys from The X-Files, and definitely look forward to The Tick, a live-action version of the former cult Saturday morning superhero spoof starring the lovably deadpan Daniel Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld). It’s helmed by the perfectly suited sensibilities of Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black). If you don’t have HBO, you’ve got till March to get it, because that’s when the new season kicks off for The Sopranos, by far the best thing on television right now. Otherwise, get out of the house and quit watching this idiot box. It’ll rot your brain.