From the truth-is-stranger-than-fiction desk here at the Nashville Scene, we’d like to call your attention to the recognition Tennessee Sen. Bill Frist’s new book, Good People Beget Good People: A Genealogy of the Frist Family, is getting on Amazon.com. Readers are overwhelmingly aghast at the elitist, self-serving nature of the volume. As of Friday morning, 66 readers had weighed in about the shockingly self-indulgent, megalomaniacal treatise, giving it an average of one-and-a-half stars out of a possible five. The readers offer stinging, devastating critiques, and many of them recall Frist’s written confession from an earlier book that he used to lie to adopt shelter cats that he experimented on and killed. The comments would make any self-respecting author crawl under his bed and hide for the rest of the winter, which is what Frist should do. A few excerpts:
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
Bix, Mobile, Il.
“The problem with this book starts with the title and continues all the way through every sanctimonious self-righteous page.”
A reader, Long Beach, Ca.
“Not only is he a terrible Majority Leader, he writes a book about how great his family is? What a jerk.”
AmazonSeller85, Scarsdale, N.Y.
“What arrogance! It’s bad enough that we’ve had to endure a barrage of campaign autobiographies from the likes of John Edwards, John Kerry, et al. At least those only claim that the author himself is a ‘good person.’ This book is a thousand times worse, force-feeding us a tale not only of the author’s goodness, but the goodness of his long line of ancestors. Perhaps the Senator could take a look at my genealogy and let me know whether I, too, spawn from ‘good people.’ If not, I guess I might as well just give up. This book makes me long for the literary company of a family with a bit more humility, like the Bushes.”
A reader, Watertown, Ma.
“This ghost written, ego-inflating snoozer of a book will be a sure cure for anyone suffering from insomnia. The mendacious Frist expounds in mind-numbing detail on his ‘roots’ and is sure to please readers who enjoy reading the fatuous, self-serving meanderings of wealthy, privileged, right-wing ideologues who are fond of ‘good breeding,’ the land of cotton and Dixie.”
A reader, Herndon, Va.
“As a physician, I have had the great misfortune to be given not one, but two recent publications from ‘the Senate’s only physician.’ Frist’s first book, in which he had the audacity to suggest that a cardiac surgeon has any real understanding of bioterrorism, was just the first demonstration of the narcissistic, inflated ego that he confirms in his current book. Although some of the story is actually interesting it is so self-serving that I just couldn’t read more than 1/3. When I realized my family spent $50 on this book I nearly choked. Let’s hope the proceeds aren’t funding his presidential bid for ‘08.”
A reader, Lansdale, Pa.
“Pioneering experimentation done on adopted kittens led Dr. Frist to his conclusion that the cheapest, most cost-effective means of forced sterilization is execution. Frist executed dozens of cats, both good and bad, and these cats did not beget any more. Now if we just execute bad people (we can identify them by their low incomes) they will not beget either! Dr. Frist opens a door to a bright new American future!”
A reader, Nashville, Tn.
“Bill Frist disemboweled five of my littermates for the greater good of his offshore bank account, so I’d say this book is purr-fect.”
Solt, Way Out West
“Bill Frist offers stunning proof of a fundamental theory of heredity: Regession to the mean, also known as 'the law of filial regression to mediocrity.’ I rate this book five tortured and slaughtered kitties out of a possible five.”
“it’s like tennessee williams huffin’ spray varnish! some people got it inside of ‘em and IT’S JUST GOT TO GET OUT! this book is beautiful in the most horrible way you can imagine.”
A reader from Down South
“I most enjoyed the tale of the plucky Frist family business stealing billions from me and my fellow tax payers, billions intended to provide health care for the poor, elderly and children. 14 felony convictions. That’s gotta be some kind of record! Oh. That’s not mentioned in the book? Huh. Odd.”
A reader, San Pedro, Ca.
“This installment of the true crime series ‘Those Who Trespass’ finds schizophrenic Mob boss ‘Saucy’ Bill/Frist ‘The Cat’ on a quest to find his roots. And oh does he find his ‘root’ in some very strange places. After months of seeking out his maternal grandmother-in-law (who turns out to be a barking pile of goose liver pudding), Saucy Bill becomes obsessed with her collection of Geraldo show videos. Not to be outdone, our anti-hero vows to never wash his scrotum again. It all ends in prison, with Saucy Bill being traded for a pack of menthol soap-on-a-rope. Ironic, no?”
“This epic tale of a family that climbed from the pits of incest, congenital mental impairment and sexual debauchery to be crowned first bootlick to the Monkey-faced boy king is truly staggering....Truly this is a tale of America as seen through the jaundiced eye of a slobbering third cousin who mated with his own mother to beget what we have today, Cat Killer First Bootlick Frist.”
Terry Duke Laslough, Trinity, S.C.
“Frist explains the intricacies of human reproduction in a way sure to confound, bedevil and infuriate his natural constituency of Tennessee creationists. Good job, Bill.”
A reader, Central Pennsylvania
“The title of this book should be When Pharmaceutical Lobby Whores Who Steal Cats From the Pound and Operate On Them At Home Beget Pharmaceutical Lobby Whores Who Steal Cats From the Pound and Operate On Them At Home.”
johnnyha51, Venice, Ca.
“Of possible interest to the immediate Frist family and to its sycophantic inner circle, if there is such a thing, but I found it to be a yawn-inducing me-me-me festival. Like a neighbor’s vacation slides, or a coworker describing her ‘amazing’ dream from the night before, this collection of happy interpretations is something to be endured rather than enjoyed.”
tfurman7, Apache Junction, Az.
“What a maroon. Dollars to donuts that this book will be bought in bulk by billionaire conservatives as a way of showing ‘thanks’ for Frist’s good work.”
A reader, Catsville, Il.
“If [you’re] a corporate lobbyist or a right-wing foundation, you might want to pick up a few thousand copies. Anyone else would get more enjoyment out of reading the phone book.”
A reader, Grand Rapids, Mi.
“First, from which responsibility did he escape to find the time to research and write this diatribe? Second, FIFTY BUCKS?”
A reader, Baltimore, Md.
“How can Amazon show that the customer ‘average’ rating is 5 stars? Out of the 20+ comments I read, there were only 2 that gave this book 5 stars and all the rest were 1 star. Is this the same system Bush used to tell us that everyone would be getting ‘an average’ of $1,200 back in tax relief?”
A reader, Morgantown, W.V.
“This book was so good, I changed my name to Frist so I could say it was about me. I read the whole thing while waiting in the reception area for subpar medical service.”
A reader, Fort Leavenworth