Attention, Greenies: Save the world, one recycled vibrator at a time
by Walter Jowers
I freely admit that I'm not a Greenie. I've surely done my share of harm to the planet, but believe me when I tell you, the planet has done more harm to me. For instance, when I was an ignorant teenager, working for a buck an hour in my daddy's electroplating shop, I worked with chromium, zinc, cadmium, cyanide and for all I know, Uranium 235. All of these poisons came from the planet, and all of them could have – and probably should have – killed me.
Today, faithful readers, I'm going to try to redeem myself for the minuscule harm that I've done to the planet, and better yet, clue y'all in on some recycling info that you can use.
Here's what you do: Go to www.sextoyrecycling.com/reuse.html, which sports the slogan: "love yourself, love the planet." Be sure to take a look at the graphic artwork at the top of the page, which features three disembodied male members wrapped around a computer-generated planet earth in a way that reminds me of a pitcher throwing a sinker ball.
Apparently, nobody thought about recycling sex toys until some peeper found a load of obviously used toys in a trash can, and thought to him/herself, "I can use this stuff to help the planet. And some of these things might just clean up OK if I run them through the dishwasher's scrub cycle."
Here's a little guidance from the website: "Recycling your sex toys is just one way you can combine your passion in the bedroom with your love for the environment."
This made me wonder: How many ways might there be to combine bedroom passion with environment love? Well, the folks at the website have some thoughts on that. "If you need a sex toy there may be one closer than you think, in your refrigerator or around the house. Fruits and vegetables like bananas and cucumbers make a simple and inexpensive substitute for a dildo."
Well, I can't resist taking a little credit for my own prescience. A few years back, when Tennessee legislators Sen. Charlotte Burks and Rep. Eric Swafford were working like beavers trying to get sex toys banned in Tennessee, I offered this: "Why should folks way out in the country have to ride to town to buy a $96 silicone Bandit when they can grow a whole field full of perfectly good cucumbers for next to nothing? Why buy a $90 Jupiter Wand G-spotter when a good crookneck squash — which has a better handle than the Jupiter Wand — will get the job done?"
On the sex toy recycling website, there's this tidbit: "Many common items like electric toothbrushes or hairbrush handles can also be used for pleasure. And with a little imagination and ingenuity, you can create improvised sex toys and give a second life to materials like plastic bags, shampoo bottles, toilet paper tubes, and rubber gloves."
I understand the electric toothbrushes; anybody can figure that out. But liquored-up, drugged-up or otherwise impaired folks need to be very careful with hairbrushes. You frisky people in altered states listen to me: Keep the hairbrush bristles pointed away from your body, and keep the bristles in your hand. And let me know what you do with the toilet paper tubes.
And now for a little chemistry lesson: You know that new sex toy smell? Kinda like the smell of a freshly unboxed Duncan Yo-Yo? Well, that's the scent of phthalates, chemicals that you don't want to touch your sensitive areas.
Lucky for toy users, the good folks at the Sex Toy Recycling website reprocess those nasty phthalate-laced toys and turn them into inner cores for new toys. The new toys have new covers, like retread automobile tires.
If you're in the mood for long-lasting phthalate-free toys, go for the glass or metal toys. You spankers can consider a nice wood paddle. But don't bring home any Madagascar rosewood toys. You might find yourself in trouble with the feds, like those poor souls over at Gibson. I've been playing guitars since I was 10 years old, and the only way I know to tell one exotic wood from another is to scratch it and sniff it. If you ask me, making a federal agent smell your fancy wooden sex toy would be pretty good payback for their intrusions.
Finally, this: Stick with organic lubes, so we can get this country off foreign oil. Wear cotton or silk to bed. Avoid battery-powered toys. Use the ones that plug into the wall. You get more horsepower that way.
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