At the gym after New Year's, in a resolutionary war, it's the survival of the fittest
by Lindsay Ferrier
The crash was so loud, I could hear it over the Beastie Boys track thumping on my ear buds.
Clutching the elliptical handles, I peered back over my shoulder just in time to see a middle-aged man scramble to his feet in the row of exercise machines behind me. He laughed nervously and stepped back onto the treadmill, casually studying its buttons as though the machine hadn't flung him to the ground seconds earlier. I looked at the woman on the Stairmaster beside me and we both smiled and rolled our eyes. There's only one thing that makes a crowded gym bearable in January: Newbs.
Of course, there's a first time for everything, but you have to admit that something about the way the gym fills up right around the new year is sort of hilarious, particularly when you look at all those determined faces and consider that the gym will be back at half capacity by March. Add to that the fact that most Gym Newbs don't like to ask questions and betray their Newbiness and you've got major slapstick potential. Perfect example: the man in jeans and loafers who hopped onto the elliptical beside me recently and proceeded to go to town on the thing like he was an old pro — except that he never actually pushed the "start" button. As we pedaled side by side, I debated whether it would be worse to tell him he was doing it wrong and embarrass him or to let him go on "exerting himself" in ignorant bliss.
I said nothing.
"You wouldn't have believed it," my husband said just the other day, a wicked smile on his face. "I was at the Y and some Newb dropped this really heavy weight. It was like gunfire. Everyone turned around." I chuckled appreciatively. For us, making fun of Newbs has become an annual tradition, a way to while away the impossibly dull stretch of time between December and March.
As an added bonus, Newbs make Hubs and me feel better about the fact that we don't get to the gym as often as we should. We're used to weathering the "Haven't seen you here in a while" comments, but come January, Newbs mercifully steal away the glaring spotlight of sloth. Yeah, we both seem to have gained 10 pounds since you last saw us — but hey! Look over there! That Newb still has tags on her exercise gear!
See what I mean?
Of course, there's a downside to Newbs. They're the ones, after all, who fill the parking lot with their cars, making me either circle the Y like a piranha for 10 minutes or park a half-mile away and convince my two small children that walking in below-freezing temperatures is really, really fun! And there's nothing worse than waiting in line for a fitness machine while watching a bunch of Newbs "work out" on them. I'm sorry, but if you're pedaling that exercise bike on Level One while texting and drinking a Coke, you're just taking up space. My space.
But I've come to learn that if it's bad for the vets, it's far worse for fitness center employees. We can laugh at the Newbs and point fingers. But they're supposed to act thrilled that so many Newbs have bothered to show up.
"Yeah, it's definitely bad when we hear someone drop a weight," a fitness center employee confirmed to me recently. "It happens, like, every half-hour in January. The people I work with look at each other and we want to say something like, 'THOSE NEWBS!' But we can't. Instead we have to be all, 'Oh, it's so great you want to use that dumbbell. Sorry about your toe!'"
According to her, though, the ultimate Newb vs. Vet showdown happens in spin class, an hour-long torture session that's so popular, bicycles have to be reserved before the class begins.
"You wouldn't believe the screaming on the phone when these people learn all the bikes have been taken," my friend snorted, shaking her head.
"Screaming?" I said skeptically. "Really?"
"Yes. Screaming," she replied. "At 5 in the morning. Here they've been coming to class for a year, and suddenly, for the very first time, the bikes are all gone because a bunch of Newbs called in even earlier than they did."
I think back to a Facebook status update I read recently. "Got my ass up to go to spin class this morning at 6, only to find all bikes taken!!" a man lamented. A woman responded, "There was nearly a fistfight at spinning class this week between the Established Faithful and the Newly Motivated."
I think I'll just stick with Zumba, where it's safe.
In the end, I use the Newbs as my unwitting opponents in a very personal version of Survivor. I must outlast them. I must. I must continue showing up at my gym even after every last Newb has returned to his TiVo. A $1 million prize would make a fantastic incentive, but I will be content with retaining the ability to zip up my jeans.
2010 is my year. I can feel it. I will be the last one standing in March. For the first time ever.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Comments (40)
Showing 1-25 of 40
OMG, like, making fun of people is, like, so funny and stuff. LOL. :) Really, fat people should just, like, stay home and let us pretty people, like, have the gym to ourselves. OMG, gotta run, the new season of the Real World just started.
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I really wish you would put your literary efforts towards more positive messages. Reading your column exhausts me... the constant picking at anyone who doesn't fit into your cookie-cutter, sweater-set lifestyle is heinous. Allow people to be different, allow people to try to improve themselves, allow people to make mistakes without your constant judgement. You MUST have better things to do than spill ink about people you think you're better than. Gross. Excuse me, Nashville Scene? Who died and made this ridiculous middle-aged "mean girl" worthy of her own column in our local weekly?
Apparently, you didn't read this very thoroughly, but that's okay! I'm here to help! Let's review. Taken directly from this column, who has gained ten pounds since the last time they were seen at the gym? Who has the "spotlight of sloth" shining on them at the gym every month of the year except January? Who won't last at the gym past March? If you chose ME, you're right! Yes, I was making fun of myself making fun of Newbs to cover up my own exercising failures. It's heinous, I know. I apologize for mocking myself mocking other people to make myself feel better. It really needs to STOP NOW. I'm tired of the self-abuse.
Maybe it just wasn't that well written... I'm wasting my time talking about it now, that's for sure. I just think there simply MUST be a better way to spill ink.
Okay, so I used to be a gym rat, then I popped out a rug rat and abandoned the gym for oh, 18 months or so. I steal feel superior to newbs, and yet I sort of am one, right? So can I snicker at the gum chewing chick on the treadmill next to me? Or do I have to suck it up since it took me five minutes to figure out how to make this new-fangled one go?
You think Zumba is safe?! At our gym the manager has to serve as a bouncer outside the door to ensure no more than 45 people can get into the class... because in the first week of January there were actually PUNCHES thrown after someone bumped into someone else. Apparently it all ended in tears. I'll stick to spinning! (And, yes, I get to the gym 45 minutes early to get a pass for the class!) So, if it makes you feel any better, things in St. Louis are the exact same!
Oh, Lindsay, I love how much your columns stir up controversy amongst people who can't read properly and seem to have been standing behind the door when God passed out senses of humor. I'll admit, I was a newbie (or n00b, as my husband would say) at a Y the summer before my wedding. I knew how to work the treadmill and actually ran successfully several times before falling... WHILE WALKING ON THE TREADMILL. Yeah, it was awesome and required a trip to a prompt care site a week later to have my knee cleaned out. I still had scars months later. Gyms are ROUGH. http://www.literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
It never ceases to amaze me how people can complain about reading something someone wrote yet come back and read that person's writing again and again. If you don't like, don't read it! I thought this article was funny and I totally got the self mocking- guess I just have a sense of humor that it appears some people are lacking.
Lindsey, your comments on this one are almost funnier than the article. Tell me you pay people to come here and tear you apart! I'm almost always a newbie and hate the feeling. Since I'm nowhere near a gym now I can work out at home with only my children to mock me. Confession: I can't jump rope. Shocking!!
I enjoyed this. It made me smile. I get motivated throughout the year...one of those times is the new year. I don't visit a gym because of the little ones...but my goal this new year is to work out on our elliptical for more than 12 weeks...because I always lose steam at 12 weeks...and I have a feeling it is week 13 that will be the week I can shop for new jeans...yeah right! www.fortheloveofnaps.blogspot.com
I'm with Katie: total snoozefest. I keep coming back for more, hoping I'll get the joke this week, but alas. Maybe if I were older and married with kids... Is that the secret key that unlocks the funny???
For years I kept up a gym membership that I never used because the renewal price was so cheap that I would convince myself that THIS WAS THE YEAR I'd go to the gym, get fit, lose weight, etc. Thank God the gym near me went bankrupt, so I could stop making that excuse and spend my time typing on the laptop as was intended by the Universe. Oh, and knowing that it certainly wasn't me that contributed to their bankruptcy.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I am one of the "ever faithful" and the Newbs as you call them, (I call them the resolutioners) drive me cah-ray-zee! I wrote about it recently on my blog (http://citymommacountrymomma.blogspot.com/2010/01/bad-attitude.html) I'm a nutritionist and I know it's kind of hypocritical but I really don't care. Good luck on being the last one on the elliptical in March, I think you'll do just great! Caren citymommacountrymomma.blogspot.com
I went to a zumba class. Once. :) There was no safety for me there, as there were all of three of us in the class. This meant I had no one to hide behind, and was forced to watch my less-than-limber, uncoordinated self try and mimick the teacher's moves in the giant wall-lenght mirror. Sigh. The memories haunt me. There's always the treadmill.
All the more reason for me to eat that brownie for dinner and wait until next month to get re-serious about the gym. http://cjmcgrey.typepad.com
I honestly cannot believe people are getting all upset about your article. I look forward to your articles and blog postings every week because I know I'm going to be in for a good laugh. People need to light up! Yes, we veterans make fun of the newbs... How can you not laugh to yourself as you see a girl walk up to a weight machine wearing white high heels (80's style high heels!!), spandex pants, and a shirt that she rolled up and tucked under her sports bra to show of her "hot physique", only her bod wasn't exactly "fit" , but rather reminding me of a female version of a phillysbury dough boy. I can only assume she wore this outfit to turn guys' heads, poor girl... but still hilarious and gossip worthy. ;)
I have to say that normally I love your blog, and your articles here at Nashville Scene. This one though was a little harsh. I know you were poking fun at yourself, but at the same time you were putting others down. You even go so far as to say you and your husband have made a tradition of making fun of the new people. Harsh. http://notamomma.com
I'm neutral on the subject, commmenting on the comments. Lindsay's articles always seem to have the same controversy. Someone says she's mean, someone else says that that person has no sense of humor, and round and round we go. I put forth the possibility that, indeed, readers DO understand what the humor is supposed to be, and still do not think it's funny. Snark doesn't appeal to everyone. And I'd be willing to bet the same kind of comments continue as long as this column is being written. The love it or hate it is part of her schtick, and probably part of what got her the column in the first place.
Sometimes I agree (the gym being crowded at this time of year is funny), sometimes I disagree (the Her Nashville story about the Atkins diet) with what Lindsay writes. I've never really felt the need to comment either way. I have my opinion, she has hers, it's what makes America beautiful. I keep reading because there are links on the City Paper site and sometimes I get a chuckle, so I click. If I ever get really irritated by her, I'll stop clicking. Until the, write on Lindsay! http://melsenplace.wordpress.com/
I am a chubby girl... who works out regularly. BUT I only like to workout around the old and the ugly. Seriously. SO every January, I get up at 5AM so I can get to the gym early. Ever wonder why the AARP army goes to dinner at 3PM? It's because they get up at the crack to work out. Good for you for getting to the gym at normal hours.. and make em make way for you, you are famous after all. CeCe www.cecemeetsworld.wordpress.com
I've been in both camps---the regular, and the newb, and I can see both sides. It strikes me that the social reality behind the satire here is how hard it is to stick to one's New Year's resolution, and how intimidating the gym environment can be!
Wait until Spring Break, when all the sorority girls come home and hit the gym. They drive me every bit as crazy as the Newbs! If I make it to March or April, I'm typically feeling pretty good about my progress- and then the sorority girls show up. And I'm reminded that no matter how hard I work out, I will never be that tiny again! ;)
Great observations about the gym. While I'm not the most fit person, I'm not a newb either. I do want to see people take an interest in their health (and my gym owner did tell me I need to encourage those people) but do they have to make it hard on us regulars? Can't people spread their resolutions across several months, not just January? I think I'll just take it easy until March, when I can get back to some serious workouts. http://renaissancegardenblog.blogspot.com/ Cherie
