All my kids really need is for me to leave them alone—right?
by Lindsay Ferrier
"Mommy?"
I look up from my laptop.
"Will you read to me?"I pause for a moment, feeling a customary cloud of guilt cast its shadow over my consciousness. Ordinarily, I'd stop what I was doing and play with her, at least for 10 or 15 minutes. After five years of indoctrination from parenting magazines and the unsmiling pediatricians on WNPT, it just seems like the right thing to do. But then I remember something.
"No, dear," I say, smiling brightly. "Mommy's busy. Go look at the pictures by yourself."
She frowns, unaccustomed to my response, and walks away scowling. I struggle against the remorse I feel watching her go. I'm not a bad mommy, I tell myself. I'm a modern one! I'm practicing a new philosophy called slow parenting, which is a great way to make lazy moms and dads like me worry less about the effect our indolence will have on the kids. Just read this bit of brilliance from Carl Honoré, the guy who started the slow parenting movement: "I think children need slowness even more than adults do," he writes. "It's in those moments of quiet, of unstructured time, of boredom even, that kids learn how to look into themselves, how to think and be creative, how to socialize."
Reading Honoré's sage words reassures me that it's okay to say no to the gymnastics classes my daughter requested, to turn down the playdates and the ballet camps and the endless trips to the zoo. All my kids really need is for me to leave them alone. And I can do that! Also? I think I might be very, very good at it!
Of course, some of you are probably picturing Carl Honoré as some kind of extremist, with opinions that are getting attention only because they go against accepted parenting practices. But plenty of others out there are echoing his sentiments and giving their parental laziness equally catchy monikers.
Take Lenore Skenazy, the brilliant mind behind free-range parenting. Skenazy rose to prominence after she wrote a piece for the New York Sun titled "Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone." Online throwdowns followed, and a new parenting star was born. Today, emboldened by her subway skirmish, Skenazy is bravely pioneering the way for neglectful, I mean, free-range moms and dads across the country. "Children, like chickens, deserve a life outside the cage," she writes on her website. "The overprotected life is stunting and stifling, not to mention boring for all concerned."
Hellz, yeah. Nashville may not have a subway, but thanks to Skenazy, I'm seriously thinking of letting my daughter walk the three miles home from kindergarten. Highway 100 is anything but boring, and then there's the fact that I'd get back the 40 minutes lost each day to the car rider pickup line.
And don't think this new parenting attitude is limited to the states. Over in the U.K., author Tom Hodgkinson's book The Idle Parent gives Brits a sort of roadmap on how to raise kids with as little effort as possible. "There is a way out of this overzealous parenting trap, a simple solution that will make your life easier and cheaper," he wrote last year in an essay for the Telegraph. "I call it idle parenting and our mantra is: 'Leave them alone.'"
As I read these words, I nodded my head fervently. I was having an "A-ha!" moment, and Oprah would have been proud. But then an unbidden memory came to mind, of a kindergarten field trip I recently helped chaperone to an apple orchard.
"These apples start as something else on the tree," the tour leader told our squirming group of 5-year-olds. "Does anyone know what that is?"
"Flowers!" the mom beside me whispered to her son, nudging him hard. "FLOWERS."
"Flowers!" the kid piped up. The man looked at him approvingly.
"That's right, son," he said. "And a certain insect helps the flower become an apple. Can anyone take a guess as to what that insect might be?"
"Bees!" the mom told her son excitedly. "Say 'bees!'"
"Bees!" the boy said dutifully.
"You're smart!" the tour leader said.
"A regular Einstein," I muttered. The mom glared at me.
I prickled with irritation at the memory. And that's when I realized that the only way I could be a slow parent was if every other parent promised to be slow, too. Otherwise, all these other kids would grow up able to play the violin, do back handsprings and answer field-trip questions correctly. My kids, meanwhile, would be great at... playing. Alone. You can't make money playing. And I'm sorry, but I'm absolutely counting on them to provide for me when Social Security runs out. I can't take any chances.
Slow parenting, I've decided in the end, is best practiced sparingly, like when Dr. Phil is on or my friend Susan has called with some hot gossip. Otherwise, I think I'll stick with over-scheduling, coddling and hovering over my children, so that we can keep up with everyone else.
Read more Suburban Turmoil at www.suburbanturmoil.com.
Comments (24)
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Love it Lindsay, and don't forget that your kids might think you don't like them if you ignore them all the time. :) I don't structure my kids day but they certainly know that Mommy will read to them, etc.
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I don't ever remember my mom or her friends struggling with whether or not they were mothering correctly. I think in our generation's quest to do it better than they did, we've forgotten how to trust ourselves and know, really know, our individual children. Sure, I have a LONG list of things I am doing differently than my mom. But, why wouldn't I? She is not me and I am not my children. I put the parenting books away a long time ago. And I've been a much better and happier mommy ever since. Children aren't chickens needing a free range, but neither do they need to be smothered, rescued, or experience everything life has to offer before the age of ten. What works for one mom and one child probably won't work for me and my child. That doesn't mean one of us is doing it wrong. It just means we're doing it differently. I'm not sure when that stopped being okay, but once I realized that was what had happened is when I stopped taking the "experts" advice. Great, thought provoking article. Kristi
I AGREE! You have to do it in moderation. We have limited our kids to 2 activities at a time, because who wants to eat in the car every night on the way to this or that? Right now I am lazy parenting to be online for a few minutes and catch a breath while my daughter is singing wheels on the bus to her Dora doll across the room. I'm "ignoring" her to do what I want to do and in a few minutes I am going to let her take a mid-day bath (because she likes it and our play date was canceled b/c of H1N1) then read a few books to her while I cuddle and hover over her as much as I can because before long she is going to be in school and I'm going to be pushing paper for the man. hattahall.blogspot.com
In all honesty, I question whether free range parenting is truly possible anymore. This latest kidnapping and murder of the seven-year-old girl in Florida happened on the walk home from the bus. Isn't that how an alarming number of kidnappings have occurred? The bus stop is a set time and place where a child will be alone and it's easy for a kidnapper to figure out the schedule. I would love to feel comfortable enough to let my daughter walk home from the bus, but I don't know that I ever will... at least not until she's much, much older and has honed some of her Chosen One Fighting Moves.
Whatever happened to middle ground? Why do we have to chose between overscheduling or nothing at all? What happened to letting a child pick one interest (baseball, gymnastics, etc) to focus on at one time? My step son plays baseball, period. There are not karate classes, soccer practice, etc. and he is greatful for it. By the time baseball season is over with, he is ready for the break, the unstructured time. He is ready to just spend the night with his friends on Friday nights, instead of play ball. I beleive unstructured time is great for kids, but unstructured time does not translate into ignore your kids either. www.brookeblogsthis.blogspot.com
yes, Lindsay. I think you are right about the free-range parenting. In some scenarios, if a parent allowed the kid to do something alone--like ride the Subway--and if the kid were kidnapped or some awful thing like that--I wouldn't be surprised if the parent were charged with neglect or abuse. Wasn't there a case similar to that not long ago? I can't remember exactly ... I don't even let my kids in our front yard alone. And we live on a great street in a safe area of town. But I can't see them at all times and don't trust what "could happen" with a passer-by. I do notice in myself and my own kids the tendency to crave and seek entertainment at all times. I can't help but think this comes from over-stimulation in our wild and crazy culture. Jumping from Karen's comment on your FB page, being still, quiet, introspective, and alone is commended in Scripture; it's not a sin to be lacking entertainment. Fostering a sense of independence and problem-solving in my kids also means helping them be self-aware, finding ways to spend their time, and cultivate their own creativity. These lessons come when they are alone, I believe.
This is interesting from an I-was-slow-parented point of view. After reading this, and looking back, it totally makes sense. I am a total loner who doesn't care whether or not I have friends. I think that it's great because I can be anywhere with or without people and still be happy. On the other hand, I do get anxiety when around other people for too long. Great article. Very interesting!
I think I am more of a slow parent than many parents today. I limit the activities my daughters can participate in. I encourage them to play alone because I found out early on that I stifle their creativity when I play with them. (I want rules, they just want to play.) And I give them some freedoms that other parents don't, like letting my 9 year old stay home alone and work on her homework while I'm gone for twenty minutes to pick up one of her sisters. I don't neglect my children and have actually loved having this week of fall break to spend time with them wandering through Cheekwood's scarecrows, walking to a restaurant for lunch and building an edible Halloween castle. But even this week has been scattered with time for them to do what they want to do... and do it alone.
I have my slow parenting moments, and go,go,go ones. I figure as long as there is some type of balance I can't go too wrong. But, who knows......we won't really find out until it's too late anyway. http://ramblingsfromanoptimist.blogspot.com
I practice a modified slow-parent approach. I have three kids six and under so they are each allowed one activity--any more than that and the logisitics of getting everyone everywhere in our one-car family would get too tricky. I do believe that some down-time is necessary for kids. I love leaving my daughter alone to play in her room and then eavesdrop as she reads her dollies stories and tucks them into bed. I accidentally let my six-year old walk to school alone one morning when I told him to start and I would catch up--at that point my baby filled his diaper and by the time I got him cleaned up and strapped into the stroller my boy was two blocks ahead and I ended up trailing him like paparazzi. He loved his taste of being a big boy and I might let him get a head start more often now! Everything in moderation, right? Why do we have to live in such an all-or-nothing world? Jen, aka http://prairieknitwit.blogspot.com
Yeah, there's no chance the hovering/over-protecting/coddling parent mafia is going away in my neighborhood either. I try to position my parenting self in between them and the lazy parents when I can!
I do believe in hands off (within reason) parenting. Let them find their own way out of boredom. Let them solve their petty squabbles. I do know though that homeschooling is easier in this way because you don't feel as judged by other parents and don't have the pressure of overachieving kids, I mean, parents.
Maybe 5 is a bit too young to walk home from kindergarten. But I'm all for making the fourth graders and older crowd walk -- together. Sadly, I can't get anyone else to opt out of the I'm-going-to-live-the-childhood-I-never-had parenting scene and let their kids walk with mine.
A little time out for yourself isn't going to hurt you or your child. If you tried to entertain them all the time, you'd get nothing accomplished yourself and they will always have the expectation of being "entertained" or kept busy with a thousand activities. Playtime and quiet time by themselves or with siblings is really good for them. They learn to be independant or share and get through the squabbles. I can only imagine what it will be like as my children get older with the scheduling and practices and "keeping up with the Joneses".
Like anything, there really is an individual balance parents need to come up with. I walked to school - six blocks each way - from first grade on, including walking my sister to kindergarten when I was in third grade, but that was forty-odd years ago when things were different. I don't envy any of you the decisions you face every day. Kids need to be protected, but need some freedom to grow and imagine and learn to enjoy their own company. As for Punky - karate lessons would go a long way toward developing her Chosen One powers!
My kids are nothing if not free-range. Living out in the middle of no where I have the freedom to encourage them to venture in the woods and go on bike rides without me. There's hardly any traffic and we know the drivers who do happen by. In the City, I think I would have to take a second look at my free range parenting. I mean a few short years ago - okay it feels only like a few (25) years - my brothers and I did the whole leave the house in the morning come back for lunch and/or supper thing. Every day in the summer and as soon as we got home from school the rest of the year. Turned out just fine. And so did the kids whose parents had a gajillion activities planned. The point is to raise a compentent adult. There are lots of different roads to that destination. liberty www.16ballsintheair.blogspot.com
My daughter just started a new school in our neighborhood. She had been going to THE School in our town, k-2, but I just could not take the mothers anymore. It was a competition on who loves their kid more by walking the kids to their desks each morning. I worked so I dropped my 2nd grader off at the corner to walk with the adult crossing guard each morning. And then the afternoon pick up was just as bad, all the decked out mother hens grouping together right outside the classroom door to be the first smiling face their presh-us child saw when school was out. Which of course causes a huge parking lot around the school while the mothers all gab about how busy they are with all the activities. Now my 3rd grader goes to the neighborhood school that happens to a low-income housing project feed into it. But the teachers are wonderful, the classroom sizes are small, the school gets tons of funding for being a feeder to section 8 housing complex. But the best? Parents are not allowed past the foyer. Kiss the kids good-bye and trust they can make it to their classroom, and allow them to run and play with their friends for 5 minutes when the last dismissal bell rings. Perfect Parent Award pressure off, thank God. (and I don't have to worry about what I am wearing in order to keep up with the other super moms)
Here, here sista!!! Seriously, free range parenting! That's funny. My daughter is 14 and she would be scared to ride the subway by herself! thompsonclique.blogspot.com
For me, slow parenting doesn't mean ignoring or leaving the kids alone with nothing to do. Kids need to know what creativity looks like before they'll figure out how to express it. Also, kids won't learn to amuse themselves without some guidance. I think slow parenting means keeping pace with your child, and of course that pace will depend on the child. Slow parenting is not about keeping your child home from the apple-picking field trip. It's not about letting your child walk there and back. It's not about making sure your child is playing alone. However, a slow parent would not have prompted her child with the correct answer; had she remained quiet, the apple guy would have figured out how to deal with a pile of silent or puzzled children. Being a slow parent means you still teach your kids backflips and the violin and pollination. And you give them the resources (books, a yard, a class, a library card—whatever feels right to you) to explore their interests further. So yes, you're engaged, but it's at whatever pace is good for your kid. And when you let him learn and play (which is also learning) at his pace, you'll end up with a bright, interesting child who is successful at doing what he loves and hasn't spent his life trying to please his parents, which is what the apple kid was doing. And also, as kids get older, they can become part of the family schedule. A WAHM can read with her child before work, then in 2 hours, then in 2 more hours...being a loving parent doesn't have to be about randomly interrupting your work in order to spend time with your child. But as with everything, if that works for you, cool. In the end, I am not so sure that the only way kids will be able to keep up is by pushing them. At the same time, it's certainly not saying "no" to every interest and activity. And it all depends on what's right for you. Sarkazy (sp) didn't just leave her kid on a subway platform and let him find his way home. He wanted to, they practiced, it was his daily route home, it was during the day. My friends who live in suburban environments are as nervous about the subway as I am about cars. So, what Lindsay may be saying is that there are lots of parenting styles out there. Pick the one that works for you and your kids, and there's no need to harsh on anyone else's style. Give your kids the opportunity to find out what they love doing, give them lots of love and you'll all be fine, whether that means they like being involved in many activities or they play alone with sticks or somewhere in between.
I really like this column, but I think I'm somewhere in the middle. I think Slow Parenting, like Slow Food, is pretty cool. It's about not overscheduling, not eating in the car on the way to a gazillion events, and about taking the time to connect with our kids over dinner. I think it's also about telling our kids to "go outside and play." It sounds like I'm Grandpa Crabby or something, but I definitely remember playing outside by myself with my friends when I was as young as 6 and 7 years old, in a University adjacent neighborhood in Seattle. I'd like to be able to do the same for my children.
Oooh, and I forgot to say, check out this month's issue of Cookie (and last issue ever?). The amazing actress Rachel Griffiths in on the cover with her newborn. She talks about the importance of kids playing outside, how they have to get that kind of exercise, "just like dogs." I guess if you're a high paid actress who can afford a ranch in Santa Monica, though, it's not that hard to let your kids roam "free range." http://jacoblawrencenewman.blogspot.com/
I think all kids need a little hands-off parenting every now and again. If parents over-schedule their kids to the point of burnout, they will never learn how to "be bored" and will never learn how to entertain themselves. I was a little more helicopter-parented and over-scheduled than my husband, and I can definitely see the difference in how we turned out as adults. He is perfectly happy to be alone and entertain himself with any of the numerous things he taught himself to do. I like to be with people and tend to turn to books (Albeit, not a bad alternative) with nothing else to do, but I can't recall ever being bored enough to just go DO SOMETHING. Boredom is good for kids. I plan to let my kids be bored as often as possible! :) www.literarilyspeaking1.blogspot.com
I posted a bit ago about my approach to reading which definitely had a slow parenting theme to it. I advocated that moms need to make time for reading themselves if they want their children to understand how valuable it really is. How does a mom make time to read? By letting kids play by themselves sometimes, because those are their opportunities to be creative and make choices in their play. In urban and suburban areas, I think the free range idea is too far fetched. But we can limit outside activities - especially in the younger years. We can give kids more space to decide what to do with themselves. And we can say no sometimes. www.motherreader.com
