Fa la la la la, ready or not, here they are, knock-knock-knocking on your door. Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Kwanza, Christmas, New Year's Eve. Quick, make a list of words that come to mind as you read this special Scene Holiday Spectacular, anticipating/dreading the upcoming five weeks between the fourth Thursday in November and the last day of the year. Family, friends, food, decorating, shopping, gifts, wrapping, mailing, cleaning, cooking, entertaining, visiting.
Here's a word I'll bet didn't make it onto anyone's list: sex. The holiday season is many things to many people—festive, frenzied, happy, frenetic, fulfilling, stressful, reassuring, exhausting, depressing, loving—but sexy? Who are you kidding?
Yes, Victoria's Secret catalogs hit pay dirt with their angel theme this time of year. Plus, Playboy and Penthouse outfit their December cover bimbos in fetching Santa hats and mistle-toe-festooned g-strings. (And no doubt a Google search for "yuletide sex" would turn up an X-rated Sandi Does Santa.)
But truly, out in the real world, there is little about Christmas—hello, Immaculate Conception—that inspires fantasies of torrid yuletide lovemaking.
Office holiday parties? Frequently stupid, rarely sexy. Family gatherings? Usually stressful, not sexy. Children's pageants? Sweet, not sexy. Bellies bursting from that second helping of turkey and mashed potatoes? Stuffed, not sexy.
Fruitcake just isn't sexy. Neither is giblet gravy, cornbread dressing, green bean casserole, jellied cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, peanut brittle or boiled custard (a.k.a. egg nog without the nog).
Christmas carols? Joyful, uplifting, inspiring, faithful, hopeful—but alas, not sexy. Secular Christmas music can be very moving—I'll Be Home For Christmas is always a tearjerker, and nothing is cozier than The Christmas Song. But hot? Not really.
No wonder people get so cranky this time of year. Besides, they're spending money they haven't yet earned, earning calories they'll never burn and burning time they don't have. Everyone is run so ragged that nobody's getting any, and nobody is getting any less than Mom and Dad.
Conventional wisdom maintains that Christmas is for children, but making Christmas Eve an adults-only affair can go a long way to making merry maids and gentlemen.
Recently, a panel of experts—nine mature women with a collective 21 children—convened over several bottles of wine and pondered a Christmas Eve that would be both naughty and nice, that celebrates the spirit of giving and receiving, that lights up the night and brings joy to the world. Herewith, notes from that meeting:
Anything that requires assembly should be assembled well before midnight on Christmas Eve. There's nothing seductive in watching your man curse like a sailor when Barbie's Dream House garage doors don't fit into Barbie's Dream House, or cooling your heels while he struggles with sprockets. On the other hand, wrapping presents and filling stockings together is lovely and intimate, and therefore encouraged.
When it comes to Christmas Eve wardrobes, holiday sweaters, flannel boxer shorts adorned with twinkle lights and Santa costumes are a big libido killer. Plush fleece, velvet and cashmere can be counted on to warm everything up.
Leftover mini quiches, meatballs, chicken drummettes and spinach dip from the office party? You shouldn't need Nigella Lawson to nix that menu. Try more aphrodisiacal fare like figs, sliced pears, caviar, oysters on the half-shell, peppermint ice cream with hot fudge sauce and whipped cream, chocolate truffles and, of course, copious amounts of chilled champagne.
When it comes to giving, gentlemen, think pleasures of the flesh, but do not interpret that to mean you should tie a red ribbon around your love stick, although a beautifully designed and packaged vibrator carries little risk of rejection and could reap immeasurable rewards for the giver as well as receiver. (Check www.babesintoyland.com, a sexual aids firm owned and run by women, for gift ideas.) Presenting your significant other with Nina Hartley's video Guide To Better Fellatio is risky, implying incompetence in that field, and could bring your rockin' around the Christmas tree to a screeching halt.
Less overtly salacious pleasures of the flesh means lingerie (do be shape-sensitive, as there is a negligee for every body), perfume, jewelry, fine soaps, lotions, massage oil or, better yet, a gift certificate for a massage or spa weekend. Woo hoo!
It should go without saying that couples should make their gift exchange part of their private Christmas Eve, and not conduct it in front of the children and grandparents.
And save the Amy Grant Christmas CD for Christmas morning with the kids. For Mom and Dad-only entertainment, think Nat King Cole, Ella Fitzgerald, Harry Connick Jr., Eartha Kitt and, of course, Elvis, whose lust-oozing version of Santa Claus Is Back In Town is guaranteed to put the X back in your Xmas.
"Hang up your pretty stockings,
Turn out the light,
Cause Santa Claus is coming,
Down your chimney tonight.
You've been a good little baby,
And Santa Claus is back in town."
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