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On Monday, The City Paper's Craig Boerner reported that Metro Council member Ludye Wallace (who else?) becomes annoyed when people sit at his taxpayer-funded desk in council chambers, even when it's not in session. That in itself isn't news—but leave it to "Ludye on Duty" to consider proposing legislation to stop it. What else irks Nashville's lamest council member, and what can he do as a legislator to stop it?

Problem: Phone calls.

Solution: Sponsor measure that would make all municipal phone numbers unlisted.

Benefit to city: Fewer crank calls to police and hospitals.

Benefit to Ludye: More time to read Proust.

Drawbacks: Chaos, bloodshed, looting in the streets.

Problem: Pesky constituents.

Solution: Propose measure that would rescind Davidson County voters' rights, thus preventing their meddling in council affairs.

Benefit to city: Disenfranchises people who voted for Ludye Wallace.

Benefit to Ludye: Can properly admire untouched desk.

Drawbacks: Illegal under some amendment.

Problem: The terrorist threat to the council.

Solution: Suggest legislation for all of Metro Nashville that would prohibit "anything pointy."

Benefit to city: Speeds city schools' conversion to computers; foils al-Qaeda letter-opener attack.

Benefit to Ludye: Stops Harold White from leaving bite marks on his pencils.

Drawbacks: Lands Nashville in Jay Leno's monologues for eight months; Inadvertently prohibits many council members' heads.


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