Uh-oh. Under the 2004-5 budget proposed by schools director Pedro Garcia, the city’s schools may have to slash some 500 staff positions to meet projected budget cuts of more than $40 million. (Quit bellyachingyour kid will still go to school, even if the custodian winds up teaching his P.E. and history classes.) But why should hardworking adults bear the brunt of these cuts, when children jack up all the costs? These kid-directed belt-tightening measures could shave even more money from Metro’s operating expenses:
♦ Encourage school violence.
♦ Select one lucky student per day for the cafeteria’s new “Specialty of the House” incentive.
♦ Infuse school water supply with enough horse tranquilizer to coldcock a mastodon.
♦ If that fails, play any John Kerry speech over the school intercom.
♦ Change Head Start to faster, cheaper, more results-oriented program Ass Kick.
♦ Channel money for computer upgrades into lifetime supply of Behold the Abacus! activity books.
♦ Have the Ingram Group mount extensive PR campaign “Illiteracy Ain’t So Bad.”
♦ Replace class trip to Land Between the Lakes with harrowing one-way journey to the “Island of Man-Eating Pigs.”
♦ Hire Corrections Corp. of America to classify prison workshops, laundries and kitchens as “onsite learning facilities.”
♦ Award extra credit for organ harvesting.
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