A List 

No joke: Thanks to zealous publicists, at least one local critic was turned away from Monday morning’s advance screening of The Passion of the Christ. (Perhaps you have heard of this film.) By peeking through the door, however, he claims he was able to spot several anachronisms and inaccuracies in the controversial biblical drama. A partial list:

♦ The Gospels do not mention anyone at the Crucifixion singing “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

♦ Jesus never called Judas a “player hata.”

♦ Historians are fairly certain that Roman centurions did not carry tasers.

♦ At no point in the New Testament does Jesus utter the words, “Ow, quit it!”

♦ There is no record of Jesus extolling his disciples, “We’re going to Bethlehem, we’re going to Nazareth, we’re going to Mount Sinai and then we’re going to take over Rome! Yeaaargh!!!”

♦ As best theologians can tell, there was never a disciple named Beyoncé

♦ Pontius Pilate never claimed that Jesus possessed weapons of mass destruction.

♦ Mary Magdalene bore no passing resemblance to Christina Aguilera.

♦ The Bible makes no mention of “payback,” at least in that specific term.

♦ Or of nunchucks.

♦ Jesus did not turn water into Bacardi.

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