The Grammys again placed country on the music industry’s back burner last week, instead showering attention on hip, young up-and-comers like Richard Marx and Earth Wind & Fire. Now the suits at the Country Music Association are angling to get Nashville more of a presence at next year’s event. These ideas should do the trick:
♦ Schedule a tribute to Johnny Paycheck from 50 Cent and Eddie Money.
♦ Have Justin Timberlake rip off Toby Keith’s breastplate.
♦ Introduce David Allan Coe as “the original G-Unit.”
♦ Replace dull, irrelevant awards ceremony with fiery on-camera smooch between Madonna and Allison Moorer. (Note: This should be repeated at the Tonys, the Oscars, the CMAs, the ACMs, the Golden Globes, the Cable Ace Awards, the Daytime Emmys and the regional Emmys.)
♦ Give Samuel L. Jackson some time-tested material from the Charlie Monk jokebook.
♦ Unveil silo-sized bong for climactic George Clinton-Willie Nelson smoke-off.
♦ Premiere the new Charlie Daniels/Outkast duet, “Hey Y’all.”
♦ Make a boring, long-winded, pious speech about how downloading is hurting the music industry, only replace every eighth word with, “Yeeee-HAW!”
♦ This year’s honoree, The Beatles. Next year, Little Texas.
♦ Invite President Edwards to introduce the country nominees.