A List
Since the arrest of al-Qaeda mastermind Khalid Mohammed, the disheveled man behind the 9/11 attacks, there's been considerable debate about whether to torture him to learn the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden and various U.S. sleeper cells. If he were held in Nashville, here's what we'd force him to do to make him crack:
♦ Serve as the spokesperson for the pro-income tax movement.
♦ Co-host a sports talk show with George Plaster.
♦ Attend a Faith Hill concert.
♦ Watch Fox News at Nine every night for a week.
♦ Read every page of Dr. Frank Boehm's book, Doctors Cry Too.
♦ Put him in charge of cleaning the bathrooms at the Springwater.
♦ Make him the lead Metro Council sponsor of a gay rights bill.
♦ Send him to the Nashville Superspeedway wearing a T-shirt that reads “Dale Earnhardt was queer.”
♦ Have George Jones drive him around for a few days.
♦ Get him an internship at The Tennessean under Brad Schmitt.
♦ Lock in him in a room with Toby Keith.
♦ Make him drive a Peugeot to Steve Gill's radio show.
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