Don Sundquist isn’t through teeing off Tennessee. The (blessedly) former governor finagled a free pass to golf at all eight of Tennessee’s state courseseven after he closed state parks amid a budget crisis. But that’s not all. Recently, the Scene learned the gubernatorial bogeyman has apparently nailed down some other retirement perks:
♦ Free TennCare to his out-of-state relatives.
♦ Lifelong exemption from any future state income tax.
♦ Phil Valentine on retainer as mandatory caddy.
♦ An expense-paid weekly grocery run to Kentucky and Georgia, with free Powerball tickets.
♦ Highways paved at state expense to his retirement home. No, wait, that was while he was governor.
♦ A state park named after his wife. Oopshe already did that too.
♦ A stake in TDOT’s secret bullion reserve underneath Love Circle.
♦ A skybox at some cool new minor league ballpark in Alabama.
♦ An Opryland river taxi re-christened the S.S. Sundquist.
♦ A commemorative urinal at any I-840 rest stop.
♦ Backstage passes to Pigeon Forge’s Louise Mandrell Theater.
♦ A collection of tour jackets, coffee mugs and bumper stickers that read: “ ’Cause the ex-governor said so.”
♦ A T-shirt that says, “Blanton was underrated.”
♦ Enrollment in a Palm Springs witness-relocation program.
♦ A qualified successor.
♦ A pair of balls.
This is exactly why we have juries.
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