A List 

Titans fans were hopping mad to discover their pro football team is selling draft beers in smaller cups but still charging the same $6 price. A recent memo from Titans owner Bud Adams to team managers, obtained by the Scene, shows Adams has other plans to increase the Titans’ profitability:

♦ Install parking meters in the players’ practice lot.

♦ Speaking of those beer cups, there is no reason we can’t re-use them for the next game. And if fans won’t return them, we’ll require they pay a small deposit fee to be returned only when we get our cups back.

♦ Can you put more air in the cotton candy?

♦ Players should be expensed for athletic supporters. That’s a matter of their own personal responsibility.

♦ Have we thought about a coin-operated washing machine for cleaning the players’ uniforms?

♦ We go through a lot of Gatorade. All Gatorade should be dispensed from a machine.

♦ At the Fountain Square practice facility, would it be too much to ask the players to mow the lawn in lieu of, say, head-on-tackling drills?

♦ Could they trim the hedges too?

♦ Let’s put injured players to work on game day by having them suit up as security guards.

♦ Have we considered selling advertisements on the soles of the players’ shoes? This represents a tremendous branding opportunity, particularly at the end of the play when all the players are lying on the ground and rolling over.

♦ It’s time we investigate the possibility of 11-inch foot-long hot dogs.

♦ Shut down condiment stands immediately. Let the people bring their own damn mustard.

♦ I’m concerned about toilet paper expenses. Please audit.

♦ Charge fans for each half of football games.

♦ Look into selling the naming rights to the Music City Miracle.

♦ Or, for a fee, allow the Bills a re-kick on that play.

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