A hardened rock 'n' roller doles out pearls of wisdom to the local rock set 

Swank's Guide to the Hate Life

Swank's Guide to the Hate Life
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Eric England

Editor's Note: You may know Ben Swank for his affiliations with Third Man Records, rock 'n' roll band The Black Faces and recurring records-and-bands night Hate Life. Swank has decided to share his expertise on relationships, sex, bands and life, and, in his own words, his responses will feature "examples of my many failures in whatever situation." Do you have a question for Swank? Email cream@nashvillescene.com with "Ask Swank" in the subject line, and perhaps the man himself will help you figure out how exactly to hate life, and how to live The Hate Life.


Dear Swank,
My boyfriend's band sucks, and he always wants me to come to his shows. How do I tell him I don't want to?
Signed,
Charity Case

That's some Dark Ages shit right there. You're supposed to be the silent supporting girlfriend, when actually in REAL life you're the one who has good taste and a clear idea of what's what?! Listen, you're his woman and it's your duty to not only let him know that his band is shit, but more importantly to undermine his every effort at success. You gotta break that shit up! Not only for you, but for the good of this town and his future self, who could very likely be filled with regret for the rest of his miserable life for having spent the prime years of his life in a ridiculous joke of a band. OK. When I was fresh out of high school back in Toledo, we had this band called The Poop Spoons (yes, The Poop Spoons — almost as bad a name as Diarrhea Planet), and The Poop Spoons would book gigs at all-ages shows at veterans halls and places like that. Basically anywhere really bad local bands were playing. We would show up and plug in TVs and use guitars as snare drums and make an unholy noise and smash televisions and radios on the floor until they cut the power, and basically the show would be over, thereby keeping these other terrible bands from doing their thing and inflicting their bullshit on the suburbs of Toledo. The point? The point is that my girlfriend at the time let me be in a band called The Poop Spoons, and I have to live with that forever, so I now hate her.

Dear Swank,
I'm in this band, and our bass player is no good. We really want to replace him, but he's still our bud. How do we tell him?
Sincerely,
R. Killy

Passive aggression. Make him always load all the equipment in and out. He has to buy the beer at practice. Gang up on him by telling him you hate his ideas and then suggest the same idea at the next practice. Make him do all the driving. Cock-block him every chance you get. Pretend you are giving him timing cues onstage so the crowd thinks he's an idiot. In short, make him hate you, but make him think it's all his fault. This, by the way, works in all of life.

Swank,
I wrote a song, and I'm getting an offer to have it featured in a Bank of America commercial. I want to be punk, but also, I don't like being poor anymore. Should I do it?
Rufus

Man, this isn't even a question. There is NO integrity involved with not making money off of something you worked really hard on and care about. It's not like your record label is giving you any money (Do you have one? Doubt it.) Are you Kurt Cobain, did your Bank of America song inspire and motivate an entire jaded generation? No. Nobody cares about you and nobody knows who you are and nobody ever will. They'll just know that slightly annoying song that they heard on the commercial, and even then they won't go out and buy it. So definitely take whatever money the evil corporation is offering you. It's the only way bands have to survive anymore. Trust me. I turned down 40 grand once for a Hummer commercial. That's how big of an idiot I am. I regret it every day of my integrity-filled life.

Swank,
My roommate's girlfriend (who doesn't live with us) has stayed every night at our house for the past month. She has slowly started to take over the house and started to tell us what we can and cannot do. Basically she has moved in over the past month without asking and without paying rent or utilities. I believe she shouldn't live here because that's not what I agreed to. But at the very least she should pay? Right? What should I do, Swank?!
K.C.

She should pay (either financially or by making an effort to at least be nice). But truth is, you're gonna either have to learn to live with her or start thinking about moving out. When you ask for money for utilities — how many showers does she take a day? You should stand outside the bathroom with a clipboard — your roommate is going to get super pissy about it. He's just not gonna SEE it. The only other option you have aside from sucking it up is getting creative and breaking that shit up. Plant exotic pubic hairs under his sheets, or put a dead mouse in one of her "Can I just have a box?" food cartons in the fridge.

Maybe you should seduce her. Get your seduction on. Like, when she's on her way to one of those multiple showers you mentioned that she takes each day, there you are, with your robe on eating a cheeseburger. "Hey, how's it goin'... You like cheesy B's?" Bite. Swoon.

Any chance of a TMR/Vault mobile app? Also, what's the deal with the new Blues and "Steady, as She Goes" reissues?

Sorry, but Ask Swank is in no way related to or associated with Third Man Records. While, yes, I do know the answer to this question, I'm going to choose to defer.

Email cream@nashvillescene.com.

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