"It's out of control.... It's unfortunate that some people are stooping to that level. It's gotten to be so dirty. The last pure place that you thought you could go is completely tainted: the Academy race."
So said Universal's colossally naive spokeswoman Terry Curtin last week, discussing accusations that someone (rival studio Miramax) was engineering a smear campaign against Best Picture nominee A Beautiful Mind. It seems that stories about star Russell Crowe's nasty temper keep turning up, as well as reports that the bio-pic's subject matter—mathematician John Nash—had homosexual affairs, fathered an illegitimate child and made anti-Semitic remarks—all of which were left out of the ultimately feel-good A Beautiful Mind.
Actually, Curtin is probably not far off the mark. In recent years, the ruthlessly greedy DreamWorks and Miramax have repeatedly stripped away the thin facade of respectability that has cloaked the Oscars. These two studios will stop at nothing to get their films the awards and box office push garnered by such attention. Think of last year, when, uh, what's-it-called won. Dammit. What won last year? Can anybody ever remember what wins? I never can. In fact, the only person I can remember winning is Russell Crowe, and the only reason I remember is because he's nominated again this year.
In truth, the most memorable thing about the Oscars is the pomp and circumstance that surround it—all the goofy, showy stuff that people tune in to watch. So in recognition of this fact, Id like to recount one of my favorite non-Oscar Oscar moments.
One of the traditions that has sprung up around the annual awards is the Barbara Walters interview show that precedes it. For some reason, despite having been a pioneer for women in the field of TV journalism, Babs decided a while ago to chuck all that cred and do dishy celebrity interviews. Mostly, she's become renowned for digging into the celebrity's past until she finds something that causes him or her to cry on TV—a profound journalistic achievement if there ever was one.
Anyway, on one of these specials about four years ago, Walters conducted an interview with one of this year's Best Actor Oscar nominees, Will Smith. Why Smith was among the notable and intriguing that year I cannot tell you, but there he was. I wasn't even paying much attention, until Smith proclaimed that the AIDS virus is a conspiracy perpetrated by the government. Now, this is really enough to make one's jaw drop.
Smith is certainly allowed to offer his opinions, even on national TV. But that wild proclamation would pale in comparison to what was about to happen next. I sat glued to my seat, waiting for the explanation behind his theory, waiting for Barbara Walters to put on her investigative cap and grill Smith. Instead, in a professional move she should never be allowed to live down, she followed up with this question: "Can you rap for me right now?"
This was horrifying in more ways than one. The most obvious, of course, was Walters' flagrant disregard for what should have been her strong journalistic instincts. But it was also strangely hysterical. Given the newswoman's tendency to substitute W's for R's, her question came out instead as, "Can you wap for me wight now?" This, plus the sheer ludicrousness of her question, made Barbara Walters look like the single whitest woman in America.
I don't recall what Smith did. I suppose it might be difficult to burst into a spontaneous rap without DJ Jazzy Jeff to get your back. The point of this little story is that it's the only thing I can recall about Oscar night 1998. Come to think of it, the only thing I really remember about last year's awards is that someone stole the Oscar statues at some point. For all the hype, the anticipation, the speculation on what it all really means in the grand scheme of cinematic history, the least interesting thing about the Academy Awards is who won.
So I say Miramax and DreamWorks should just shove it and stop being so obnoxious about this whole thing every year. Quit pummeling us with your relentless marketing campaigns. No one cares which one of your movies wins. We just want to see whether Will Smith—if he wins—will rap his acceptance speech.
Notable quotables
Toothy megastar Julia Roberts: "I can't absorb living in a world where I have an Oscar for best actress and Denzel Washington doesn't have one for best actor." Believe me, sweetcheeks, you are far from alone in this thinking.
Kevin Spacey: "I think nothing diminishes a work of art more than criticism." True. Pointing out the obvious flaws in K-Pax and The Shipping News would be the only possible way to make Spacey notice that these movies sucked.
Quotidian Challenge
"If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the 'fuck you' signs in the world. It's impossible."
Be the first to e-mail the origin of this useless bit of trivia to poplife the shame of your name printed as the winner and some free useless crap from the Nashville Scene!
Previous week's answer: "They sentenced me to 20 years of boredom for trying to change the system from within."— Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan"
Winner: Gretchen Johnson
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