24th Annual You Are So Nashville If... 

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The Weirdies

You recently opened a second location of your highly successful retail/restaurant/entertainment concept in Cool Springs and/or East Nashville because the yuppies and/or hipsters expect us to bring everything to them.

You ride a Surly with Gatorskins.

You heard that Starbucks expanded their product line to now offer "toilet water"!!!

You nearly knock over the Lime-a-Rita display trying to get a better glimpse of Hayden Panattiere doing her grocery shopping.

It's midnight and you're Foobar drunk at the Hermitage Cafe eating a bacon grilled cheese & a "on the house" chicken biscuit, singing "Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?" louder than the jukebox.

You think you may be an "accidental racist" if you move too quickly when you realize you're in the wrong section of the health and beauty products aisle at Target.

Nashville is like a woman, you always have fun even if you can't find the 'it.

You've ever stuffed your skinny jeans with a Goo Goo Cluster, for that added nutty bulge.

Instead of Six Sigma your company uses Six Sikma: which is having former NBA center Jack Sikma come in to discuss post moves, rebounding, and perfecting the golden perm.

You found Stacey Campfield's to-do list and it said, "Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch, colonic at 11am, lunch with Richard Simmons."

You are so Nashville if you think Farm is spelled,E I E I O!!

You noticed rats in the West End, bedbugs downtown, go ahead: bite the hot chicken, don't mind the banjos.

click click clique gossip gossip gossip chicken country band grass fed hamburger click click click

You are so Nashville that you really truly believe this city could have a MLB team like in that fancy TV show. Or you are Clay Travis or that troll in that movie. You are so Nashville.

You are so Nashville if you really believe we are the It city. Our lights are blinking at 11:00 pm across town still. I'm surprised the Purity milkman doesn't still deliver his crate of dairy products. You are so Nashville.

You let your dog shit in my yard!

you forgo the local morning news in favor of a peek at Robin Meade because you rightly assume that:
1. There has been a shooting in north Nashville.
2. I-24 is backing up near Hickory Hollow parkway.
3. There is a 20% chance of snow/rain/tornado (seasonal)
4. Brentwood police are involved in a possible hostage situation.
5. Someone died.
6. There will be an investigative report on a local official/institution at 5:00
7. The Titans/Predators will try to rebound after .....

You are making maybe $50k, still paying off student loans, go out at least 3 nights a week and still somehow can rationalize that you can "afford" a new condo at almost $275 a square foot...and think it is a good investment

You wait for for over an hour for a table with your girlfriends at some "hot" new restaurant in town, and the first thing out of your mouth to the server is: I am not very hungry...or I had a really big lunch. then follow with an immediate request for bread and an order of the cheapest item on the menu for your "meal"

You demand to have your photo(true story, btw) with Martha Ingram airbrushed and/or photoshopped, prior to the newest issue of N/focus hitting the racks...oh wait, that was for the "your so belle meade" list

You're out of town visitors first impression of Nashville was seeing "Deja Vu" upon exiting, at which time you secretly thought "there's a turd in the punch bowl."

You believe that if John Rich were to join Big Kenny's new act, "Electric Shine," that it would be more appropriate for the duo to amend their name to "Astro Glide."

Your Blue Bell Ice Cream melted while the rent-a-cop held traffic forever for the Piedmont Gas Pipeline construction on Granny White Pike.

Every song you write or perform uses the tired, cliché formula of a musical rest as an ending to the first chorus while the artist sings the title of the song.

the NSA can confirm that you have used the "A","B","C","F","M","N", and "S" words, so; Listen ************, you better shut the **** up you stupid **********, cuz those ******* gestapo ************* are listening.You make that other ****** ***** look like a ****** angel! now sshhh!


Past Winners

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, "We really kicked y'all's ass in that Desert Storm." —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as "the studio audience." —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You've checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You're the only one who doesn't know you're gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you've never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

2012: You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews

Email editor@nashvillescene.com.

click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

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