24th Annual You Are So Nashville If... 

It's a common way to gauge familiarity: when people know each other so well they finish each other's sentences. Since we know our readers know Nashville, we asked you to finish ours.

That sentence, of course, is, "You are so Nashville if ... "

And you did finish it — roughly 1,450 times, one of the better responses in the 24-year history of YASNI. As it turns out, you know each other (and us) pretty well. But while familiarity can breed contempt — or at least weirdness, but more on that later — it also elicits the kind of locals-only one-liners we look forward to including in this issue every year, and which some of you clearly stockpile for the occasion. (If you're new around these parts, don't worry: These will start making sense soon.)

It made sense to us that 2013's batch came with a hefty contingent of entries that, directly or indirectly, took aim at the TV show everyone loves to hate/love/begrudgingly acknowledge the existence of — including the winner, in case you've somehow managed to avoid laying eyes on our city's ongoing soapy prime-time cameo. Our symphony's recent struggles also got their share of attention, as did fawning Yankees, a certain car salesman fallen from grace (or wherever), hockey, our wacky state legislature and the undulating vegetation atop our new convention center.

So for your amusement, we present another year's haul, as submitted by Scene readers and selected by the Committee of Inbreds. We like to think of them as our better halves — but you knew we were going to say that.


click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

First Place

You think the TV show should have been called Mount Juliette. —Bill Hench

About the Winner

The winning entries in "You Are So Nashville If ... " frequently make waves; good thing this year's YASNI champion has a background in water-resource management. Bill Hench works for the Tennessee Department of Environment and Conservation's Division of Water Supply, and from his perch in the Life & Casualty Tower he's able to watch the activity downtown — including, on occasion, the filming of ABC's Nashville, the inspiration for his prize-winning entry.

"I like the TV show — it's fun," says Hench, a Lexington, Ky., native who moved to Nashville in the late 1970s to attend Vanderbilt and has lived here for 35 years. (You are so Nashville if you think that makes him a Johnny-come-lately.) This is his third year entering the YASNI contest, and he's previously scored honorable mentions. This year, he joins the heads on YASNI's own Mount Rushmore — all 24 of them.


click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

Second Place

You thought the Music City Center was John Rich's new house. —Ben Morton


click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

Third Place

You ask your 10-year-old son who his musical hero is, and he says, "Ken Levitan." —Wade Breaux


Honorable Mentions

click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

You mistook the Nashville Maroons vintage base ball team for Mumford & Sons. —Laurel Green

You face your cleaning supplies towards Mecca five times a day. —Mike Dorr

You won the office pool on how long it would take for Martha to bail out the symphony. —Jeff Shearer

Your Little League team could beat your AAA team. —Ken Lass

click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

You attended a catfight and a horse race broke out. —Meredith Hunter

All your clandestine meetings take place by the river. —Andy Gasparini

You worry that the food trucks at Elmington Park might be pillaged some Sunday afternoon. —Brady Mills

click to enlarge ILLUSTRATION: BRIAN TAYLOR
  • Illustration: Brian Taylor

You understand the separation of church and state, but not wine and beer. —Wando Weaver

The drummer inside of you thinks the songwriter inside of you is a real asshole. —Matt North

You can't tell the difference between local hipsters and old pictures of Nathan Bedford Forrest. —Matt North


The Best of the Rest

Your probation officer ends every phone call with "and don't you leave 'til you see me." —Mike Dorr

You won the bass player and drummer in your divorce. —Jhesi Boyer

You remember when no one but Mayor Dean thought the Music City Center was a good idea. —Wes Hartline

You can't wait for a mayor who wins running solely on farm-to-table issues. —Wes Hartline

You think it's outrageous to pay more than 79 cents for a bowl of ramen. —Christopher Futrell

The death of the zoo's baby lynx felt like the loss of a personal pet. —Jacob Maurer

You sincerely wonder how they're gonna mow the roof. —Luke Duncan

You're dismayed at the loss of Christian values in our society, but are uncomfortable with giving a homeless person a dollar for a newspaper. —Bill Cole

The city says you are. Looking at you, Forest Hills. —Joe Shepherd

You go to the convention center to look at art, and the art museum to mail a letter. —Joe Shepherd

You see a Freakin' Weekend button and instantly have a new friend. —Jay Sawyer

You despise CMA Fest, but you'll attend Bonnaroo without any hesitation and ruin the lives of everyone in Manchester for five days. —Wes Hartline

You had a destination wedding to avoid offending your music industry contacts. —Steven C. Knapp

You are thrilled Husk is opening so that you might now be able to get into Catbird Seat. —Anna Zdon Koppert

You happily treat a couple of Aussies like natives, but Karl Dean will always be a carpetbagger, even if he starts wearing sundresses and cowboy boots. —Joe Shepherd

You believe that Alabama, California and Louisiana are nations. —Nancy Hunter

You think the Schermerhorn is "becoming a meth lab" away from hitting the country song trifecta. —Mike Dorr

You like your coffee black and your charter school white. —Adrian Bahan

It irritates you that your GPS can't pronounce Demonbreun. —Zack Bennett

Sumner County made your school board look downright reasonable by comparison. —Meredith Hunter

These stopped being funny 10 years ago. —Jackson Miller

You are personally offended by Rosepepper charging for extra chips and salsa. —Luke Myszka

You're pissed that it's taken almost less time to build the Music City Center than it's taking to renovate the Broadway McDonald's. —Ken Lass

You watch The Daily Show just to see how our legislature is embarrassing us today. —Jennifer Foshee

"Take immediate cover" is heard as "go outside and look around." —Brian Siskind

You consider The Stone Fox the western-most terminus of the great hipster silk route and will not cross White Bridge Road. —Brian Siskind

The only local policy you have ever been truly concerned about is whether you can have a studio at home or not. —Brian Siskind

There are more road cases than audience members at your gig. —KJ Garner

Your ego got out of control after appearing on Tennessee Crossroads. —Zack Bennett

You hate how much 12South has changed ... since you moved there two years ago. —Greg Harris

You broke Google Translate when you copied and pasted a Chris Johnson tweet. —Zack Bennett

You follow a "paleo" diet but believe the world is only 6,000 years old. —Lesley Lassiter

You left SNL to one day help the GOP and the NRA keep the UN and the AIC away from MTSU. —Mike Dorr

You call Donelson "east east Nashville." —Ginger Clemence

You named your recliner "The Catbird Seat" because that's as close as you'll come to the real thing. —Bill Millen

Your Obama sign is still up because religious door-knockers haven't come by since the primaries. —Matt North

You find it strange that the Hip Donelson community seems to be based around a senior center. —Andy Gasparini

You did a spit-take when you heard Phil Williams utter the words "drag queen boobs" on the 6 o'clock news. —Zack Bennett

At the end of the day, to sum it all up, the bottom line is, when you get back to basics, you're a songwriter who avoids clichés. —Matt North

You "left it all on the stage" during your last karaoke set. —Tim Hibbs

You know that tragedy + time = ASCAP Songwriter of the Year Award! —Tim Hibbs

You're concerned that Tennessee will soon overtake Florida as the stupid news capital of the U.S. —Tim Hibbs

After reading Sen. Stacey Campfield's blog, you're convinced that the theory of de-evolution should also be taught in our public schools. —Tim Hibbs

You drink PBR from a growler just to stay relevant. —Chad Johnson

You find it hard to navigate the new convention center roundabout without a giant penis for reference. —Chad Johnson

You know you must be doing something right if gast insults you. —Meredith Hunter

The Affliction shirt in your mugshot belies a truth that selling all the Kias in the world can't erase. —Meredith Hunter

Your neighbor has a shelf full of Grammys in a category you've never heard of. —Katy Branson

You think they should change the name of LP Field to Lelan Statium. —George Oeser

You can't buy a beer at a strip club on a Saturday night but you can take your gun to church with you on Sunday morning. —George Oeser

The C.S.A. is all about organic kale and not what your ancestors fought for at the Battle of Franklin. —Brady Mills

The annual Nfocus Swan Ball Issue makes you realize how glad you are that your Meemaw could never afford plastic surgery. —Brady Mills

You heard the Tennessee Firearms Association gave away an AR-15. They got the idea when St. Thomas Hospital gave somebody fungal meningitis. —Bill Hench

You feel voting for American Idol is easier than dialing TennCare's lottery hotline. —Alex Perez

You won't call it the "It City" until recycling picks up more than once a month. —Matt North

You want to punish poor kids who make bad grades despite your own deficient comprehension of biology. —Meredith Hunter

You remember how devastating it was to Nashville's economy when "Coach Foster Fights Back" moved production to L.A. —Brady Mills

You look forward to the romantic tension between Anita Bugg and Bradley George during WPLN pledge drives. —Thomas Hormby

Your farmers markets aren't speaking to each other. —Jeanne Brooks

You subscribe to The New York Times for local restaurant recommendations. —Blair Stilwell

You're It. —Bill Flowerree

You don't understand the big fuss over fracking; what happens at Bonnaroo should stay at Bonnaroo. —Bill Hench

Natalie Maines has declared war on you. —Jen Berning and Dave Foster

Your hockey reporter is smarter than you are. —Jeanne Brooks

You are baffled at how the writers of the Nashville Scene's Spin column continually trump your own cynicism. —John Marshall

You would've gladly offered Georgia some river water in May of 2010. —Zack Bennett

You look forward to Chris Johnson's portrayal of Macbeth after his retirement. —Andy Gasparini

You can't believe Chris Chamberlain left Five Guys out of his book despite all their Best Of awards. —Meredith Hunter

You want to Save Our Symphony, but you want the Rescue Mission moved out of town. —Bill Mason

It's easier to buy a gun than to buy a bottle of wine. —Mike Hughes

You thought Hip Donelson was the name of the new rapper in town. —Jamie Yost

Your book club meets at Brown's Diner. —Mary Catherine Bradshaw

You know the difference between the Old Old Suntrust Building, the Old New Suntrust Building, and the New New Suntrust Building. —Mark Chalos

Your gang activities are safe from raids unless you open a restaurant. —Mike Dorr

You've said "Bless Your Heart" to a salesperson calling from The Tennessean. —Clifton Kaiser

Ho! Hey! —Lesley Lassiter

You ask James Franklin for his honest opinion on the girl you're dating. —Bryan Voss

You got drunk at George Jones' funeral because he would've. —Roy Moore

You were disappointed to find out that the new convention center was not a massive Christie's Cabaret expansion. —Patten Fuqua

Your neighborhood has starred on both Nashville and Cops. —Patten Fuqua

Your symphony almost had to replace Beethoven's Fifth with Chapter 13. —Adam Dread

You vote alphabetically. —Bob Mater

You got all tore up about a dead Possum. —Bill Hench

You're worried about losing the symphony that you've never attended. —Ilissa Gold

You don't give a rat's ass about Sen. Jim Summerville. —Bill Mason

You still wonder if the Watson's girl is single —Chris Sevier

You know that Kidsmeal Review is not a happy meal. —Chris Sevier

R.A. Dickey struck you out as a kid. —Brent High

You can't get into your bar because it's temporarily fake for TV purposes. —Jeff Deason

Your very way of life is being threatened by a mop sink. —Charlie Harris

You've developed a hierarchy of every Kroger in town. —Charlie Harris

The rabbits in your neighborhood have three ears. —Trent Hanner

Hey Martha I got some debt it ain't much yo ... —Trent Hanner

Your Contributor salesman had a CD release party. —Shannon Williford

Gordon Ramsay made YOU look like an egotistical jerk. —Zack Bennett

You were so pumped to hear Dancin' in the District was coming back ... until you saw the lineup. —David Lofton

You think it's a better use of $13 million to keep a TV show than to keep a Grammy-winning symphony. —Meredith Hunter

You thumb through all 122 pages of NFocus' Steeplechase magazine expecting to find a picture of a horse. —Jeff Shearer

You are in a patent dispute over the idea for deep-fried Goo Goo Clusters. —Jeff Shearer

You know the Titans are the ultimate authority on where to buy an engagement ring. —Elizabeth Hyndman

You abhor corporate tax abatements, but support tax incentives for ABC's Nashville. —Wes Hartline

You don't bat an eye when a drunk Olympic gold medalist kicks a tourist in the shins. —Matthew Parriott

You've peed one out for your dead homey DUI Mike. —Kevin James

You have a jacket that can't be worn outside of Melrose pool hall. —Bill Millen

You think Tracy Langston needs to start using his inside voice. —Gilby Ellis

You didn't ride the bus for a year and then were pissed that they changed the routes. —Courtney Smith

You never knew Reese Witherspoon was a badass brunette. —Bill Hench

You've seen Kings of Leon out drinking before they start tweeting about it. —Daniel Smith

You run an elevated Southern food truck outfitted in reclaimed barn wood. —Lesley Lassiter

You throw the metal sign while singing about going fishing with Grandpa. —Mark Moffatt

You're still waiting for Nashvillians to realize that Nicole Kidman should not be voted "Best Local Actor." —Britt Byrd

You're on the "Don't Screw Up the Note Drop on New Year's Eve" committee. —Jamie Yost

You concede football braggin' rights to Alabama, but horse torturin' is a whole different ball game. —Bill Hench

You think the regular version and the screaming goat version of "I Knew You Were Trouble" sound exactly the same. —Jamie Yost

You swear the downtown Bobbie's Dairy Dip doesn't put as much chocolate in the shakes as the one on Charlotte. —Zack Bennett

You wish the "It City" would finally get its it together. —Tim Hibbs

The leaders of your HOA keep getting arrested at M.L. Rose. —Bill Millen

You clam up real quick when out-of-town friends start bragging about their professional sports teams. —Tim Hibbs

You hate the NHL SO MUCH and will never again — oh wait, hockey's back now? OMG SO EXCITED. —Meredith Hunter

Obama, the potholes of Green Hills, and the sexiness problem have you "Ticked Off." —Brady Mills

You recommend a simple dress code for the CMA Music Festival; no Daisy Dukes if you have a scrotum. —Bill Hench

It still bothers you that there is no Eighth Avenue North. —Alex Perez

This town somehow became cool as soon as you moved away. —Ilissa Gold

You won't be impressed 'til he does the laser eye surgery and the ballroom dancing moves at the same time! —Michael Ambar

Your summer sweat-off-the-pounds regimen consists entirely of getting a sweater like Rudy Kalis'. —Dave Carew

You wonder if the Keebler elves might live in Fudgearound, TN!!! —Michele Totty

You suspect Metro scheduled parent-teacher conferences on Election Day to suppress you from attending parent-teacher conferences. —Matt North

Your child's English scores are suffering because he continues to read OutkickTheCoverage.com. —Jimmy Quirk

Well, hockey sucked this year. —Emily Penninga

"Concerned taxpayer" was the most innocuous characterization you've ever received. —Meredith Hunter

You got Daft Punk'd by Third Man. —Meredith Hunter

You know that if Garrison Keillor comes out of the Ryman stage door and sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of pledge drives. —Tim Hibbs

You can't remember the last time the Nashville Scene's print edition published a sho' nuff letter to the editor. —Stacy Harris

The only way you know where to find sidewalks in Nashville is by walking with the mayor. —Stacy Harris

You won't give to the Contributor vendor who wears a Red Wings hat. —Zack Bennett

You can't wait to attend an event at the Music City Center just so you can get a decent parking spot for Arnold's Country Kitchen. —George Oeser

You get arrested in hopes of meeting Grumpy. —Perry Hutcheson

You wish H.G. Hill had mowed down The Pancake Pantry instead of Cotten Music. —John Marshall

Your girlfriend hates Channel 4 because you think Demetria is kinda hot. —John Marshall

You ever thought: "You know what would fix Hickory Hollow once and for all? An ice rink." —Zack Bennett

It makes you sad that lyrics like "chew tobacco, chew tobacco, chew tobacco, spit" came out of the songwriting capital of the world. —Andy Gasparini

Craigslist's Missed Connections has made you afraid to go anywhere near the Percy Priest Trailhead or a YMCA. —Andy Gasparini

You write a song about modern-day racism that is actually pretty fucking racist in and of itself. —Andy Gasparini

You saw a Nashville Symphony member selling The Contributor. —Jamie Yost

When you heard that Mrs. Grissom had passed you toasted her with a pimiento cheese sandwich! —Michele Totty

You are second. —Mary Carter

Vince broke down singing "Go Rest High on That Mountain" at your funeral. —Betsy Barbour

You think The Time Jumpers were the designers who created Rudy Kalis' wardrobe. —Dave Carew

You tried to decide if the embarrassment incurred by using your industry connections to get backstage at the NKOTB concert outweighed your desire to get backstage at the NKOTB concert. —Sibyl Reagan

You wish you could purchase a subscription to The Contributor and cut out the middle-man's profit —John Marshall

You can view your own rapid age progression on the walls at Villager. —Trent Hanner

You know that Tequila Cowboy has had as many names as Bridgestone Arena. —Wando Weaver

You downloaded Bart Durham's iPhone app, only to learn it's just a game in which you chase ambulances. —Zack Bennett

You think the Rutledge is a drink at the Patterson House. —Dustin Davenport

You are in favor of the BRT as long as you don't have to walk too far to get on. —Lee Wilds

Your commissioner of education is paid more than your governor. —Wando Weaver

You woke up this morning and there are two houses where one was the day before. —Jeremy Jeter

You learned how to pronounce Demonbreun a long time ago, but still aren't sure whether it's Sher-mer-horn or Sker-mer-horn. —A. Mire

You think about our late, great Mayor Beverly Briley every time you drive on the Parkway named in her honor. —Randy Smith

You think Bud Adams looks like Gene Autry with lipstick. —Randy Smith

Your broke symphony is the city's leading print advertiser. —Trent Hanner

You get your financial advice from your sports talk station. —Patten Fuqua

You're now convinced that Jimmy Buffett brought the flood. —Jennifer Foshee

You'd rather watch Smyrna. —Daniel Dunn

Mike Munchak fired you. —Patten Fuqua

You have a collection of Contributors in your backseat ... and that's only this month's issue. —Jay Sawyer

You ransacked the International Famous Twin Kegs bar and didn't even get yourself a beer. —Bill Mason

You wonder if George and Tammy have now made up. —Ken Lass

You "liked" the Catbird Seat but were really hoping they would do the "Onion Volcano." —Chuck Arnold

You think of Connie Britton as a TV star and Blake Shelton as a country singer. —Mark Kelly Hall

You are brushing your beard and Kenny Chesney falls out. —Jeff Deason

You have a well-rehearsed answer to the question, "What's a bean roll?" —Charlie Harris

You get confused when your personal trainer asks you about BMI. —Daniel Dunn

You savor your brief moment with Threk at the West End Piggly Wiggly. —Trent Hanner

You still haven't apologized to Jeffrey Womack. —Shawn Verner

After a horse race, your local park looks like there was an impromptu Kenny Chesney concert. —David Lofton

You think the Nashville Symphony should just get one of those reverse mortgages from Fred Thompson. —Ilissa Gold

You wished there were just a few more farm-to-table restaurants in Nashville. —David Lofton

You've done the entire Music City Bikeway without a single scratch on your car. —Jeff Shearer

Your iPhone doesn't autocorrect "Frist." —Daniel Dunn

Your pastor had to rewrite his entire Sunday sermon after learning the WSMV Demon was just a dandruff shampoo commercial. —Zack Bennett

You fell asleep on the couch waiting for a seat at Patterson House. —Brad Heilwagen

You have a whole set of stories that begin with, "So I was driving down Gallatin Road ... " —Jocelyn Phillips

You opened a Sylvan Park in Melrose and a Melrose in Sylvan Park. —Daniel Dunn

You've been hearing that your neighborhood will be the Next Big Thing for almost 10 years. —Jennifer Foshee


AS SEEN ON TV

You were hoping the TV show was based on Altman's movie. —Chuck Arnold

You know ABC can take Nashville away from the city, but they can't have Bob Mueller's commentary. —Wes Hartline

You're Hayden Panettiere and the only place you actually get encores is at Santa's. —Troy Akers

You know Avery's too much of a sissy to be 37206. —Meredith Hunter

Your kitchen comes in two varieties: original and soundstage. —Hayley Clay

Hayden Panettiere has been to more honky-tonks than you. —Brett Kmiec

You wish Lamar Wyatt would give up on "Subway Park" and rebuild Opryland USA. —Matthew Parriott

You recognize the show is fiction by the lack of Tin Roof benefits. —Meredith Hunter

Your fictional TV mayor's dirty laundry is cleaner than that of the actual late-1980s mayor. —Zack Bennett

You already know that Deacon and Rayna survive because the fatality tally didn't increase that night on the interstate signs. —David Lofton

You wonder what Teddy Conrad's plans are for the fairgrounds. —Jennifer Foshee

Your mom's sober companion becomes your boyfriend and manager and then cons you out of half a million dollars and then tries to blackmail you with a sex tape before he's killed by your mother in a murder-suicide. —Lesley Lassiter

Fuck you, Powers Boothe. Why won't you love me? —Andy Gasparini

You realize that every time Ashley Spurgeon posts a caustically funny Nashville episode synopsis, a kitten dies. —Tim Hibbs

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