Live from the T-Mobile Arena in America’s greatest music city New York Nashville New Orleans Chicago Boston Austin Seattle Los Angeles Las Vegas, it’s the 2016 Billboard Music Awards, the most mainstream music awards show out there, I guess, because it’s all pop and R&B and rewards the already successful. Let’s begin!
“She’s one of the most electrifying live performers of all time,” the voiceover lies about Britney Spears. She’s won the “Millennium Award,” which I think should go to Robbie Williams. This isn’t really so much a Britney Spears medley as it a commercial for her Las Vegas residency. It goes on for A WHILE and does not include “Baby One More Time.”
Ludacris and Ciara are the hosts, and I just realized at this very moment I didn’t know what Ciara looked like. Ludacris says he is, “so ready for the biggest Billboard Music Awards ever.” It’s his third time hosting, so they make a threesome joke. Should have workshopped that one! They say that unlike the Oscars, there are actual black nominees, for instance, The Weeknd has 19 nominations. What? How is that possible?
Heidi Klum and Michael Strahan are there. They are TV hosts who used to do other things. What are those things? No one will ever know. They explain how the awards work — it’s a song popularity contest, basically, and that’s how The Weeknd has 19 nominations. He also wins the award for Top Hot 100 Artist.
A Bachelorette person introduces “influential teen” Shawn Mendes. He was born in 1998.
Ashton Kutcher, who is old enough to be Shawn Mendes' father, awards Wiz Khalifa the Top Hot 100 Song award for his song about Paul Walker, who died. “Whoa,” says Khalifa.
The award itself, I should mention, is a face singing into a microphone. It is meant to be viewed in profile, because straight on, it looks like a shiny butt plug.
Fifth Harmony and Ty Dolla $ign collaborate. On what? A song. Is Fifth Harmony the state of America’s girl groups right now? No wonder South Korea dominates pop music these days.
Meghan Trainor sings a song, and one of the first lyrics is, “Let me stop you there,” and I’m like, “I agree,” and I fast-forward through the rest.
Mark Cuban and Miss America come out, mostly to remind us that Mark Cuban is the new Donald Trump, but like the ‘80s Donald Trump when he was in Bobby Brown videos and not actively, literally, destroying the United States. (What a world!) Anyway, they give Top Country Song to Thomas Rhett, presumably for a song.
DJ Khaled is there to make your mom nervous, and also introduce Justin Bieber. I dunno about that Bieber kid, guys.
Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn are there to promote Bad Moms, a movie that would probably have a different vibe if it were called Bad Mother. They turn the stage over to Pink, who I honestly cannot believe has pulled it off this long. She’s still very proud of learning how to do Cirque du Soleil twirling and we see some more of it.
Jessica Alba gives Top Male Artist to Bieber, who just ran around a lot and is pretty sweaty. “I’m not really a talker,” he accurately says of himself.
Nick Jonas sings a song. Then Demi Lovato sings a song. Hers is the first song of the night I’ve enjoyed! Good job, Demi!
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Lukas Graham sings a song. This isn’t a person, but a Danish “pop band” that is also named after the singer. Apparently this guy was raised in some sort of commune? Huh. Thomas Rhett and Pete Wentz introduce Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, America’s answer to the question, “Does this really need to happen?” They sing their song about each other. (If you click on just one of my excellent hyperlinks, make it that one.)
Kelly Rowland and Keke Palmer introduce DNCE, a band with Joe Jonas and BY FAR the dumbest looking sonofabitch that’s been onstage tonight.
Kate Beckinsale, star of the new movie Love and Friendship (which I am totally going to see, y'all don't even know the half of it) gives the award for Top Billboard 200 Album to Adele, who is like, “lol no I will not be there.” They premiere her new music video anyway! Love that Adele. Now look at this wonderment:
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Kesha performs, miraculously, a tribute to Bob Dylan with Ben Folds. “Ben Folds,” Google the teens in the crowd. “Bob Dylan,” they Google next. In all sincerity, it is a good performance. Zendaya and Wiz Khalifa are very, very, very thin, and give The Weeknd's "The Hills" Top R&B Song. He had three of the five nominated songs. Good odds!
Lindsey Vonn and Laverne Cox introduce Rihanna. It’s good. I like Rihanna.
Seal (who, along with ex-wife Heidi Klum, were truly the Blake and Gwen of their day), gives Celine Dion the Billboard Icon Award. They invoke her dead husband and dead brother, and bring up 9/11 and the terrorist attacks in Paris. It’s kind of all over the place. They make her sing, then bring out her son to hand her the award, just in case she might not cry. She does cry, of course, and talks about all the dead people she loves. It’s messed up! Why are they doing this to her?
Halsey and a person referred to in my notes (incorrectly) as “Lucy Hammer” are there. I can tell which one is the musician, she’s the one who's allowed to have tattoos. They throw it over to Troye Sivan, a person born in 1995, who sings a song about his youth.
Rebecca Romijn introduces The Go-Go’s. Fun (maybe) fact: This is the first time in television history five middle-aged women have ever been allowed on screen at the same time.
Idina Menzel, which I guess we’re still doing, gives the fan-voted Billboard Chart Achievement Award to Rihanna. Truly, Rihanna is a woman who has achieved much Billboard Chart.
Ariana Grande, a weirdo that I very much enjoy, sings her song.
Steven Tyler, pop culture’s herpes sore that just won’t go away, says that the Top Artist is Adele. Which is true! She’s not there, still. Good job on Adele for planning a world tour in order to avoid Steven Tyler.
?uestlove introduces the Prince memorial segment. All three hours of this should have just been Prince songs or videos or even just a photo slideshow.
Madonna sings a pretty not-bad version of “Nothing Compares 2 U,” 2 b honest. (Not as good as Kesha’s Dylan, though). I wanted to hate it a lot more than I did. (Three hours is way too long to ask me to care about something.) Then Stevie Wonder comes out to sing “Purple Rain” with her. “Old blind singer black,” the teen audience googles. “I think it’s Ray Charles,” they whisper to one another.
The end!
