On a high-definition TV, reduced by the miracle of chapter-skipping to a tooth-rattling 25 minutes of hot ‘bot-on-‘bot action, this might be my inner 5-year-old’s favorite movie of all time. In a theater, taken as one long war of attrition on your nerves, cornea and fanny, it’s like being waterboarded with images. (And product placement—let me breathe, Mountain Dew!) It takes two and a half hours for Michael Bay, destroyer of worlds, to tell a story two second-graders could concoct and finish in 30 seconds: Toys have a big fight. The toys have a little more personality than they had in Bay’s first Transformers movie, and the special effects get a significant upgrade, with astonishing new digital clarity—but what passes for a story consists of endless gobbledygook about power sources and hieroglyphics and Egyptology, the sort of bilge for which Wiimotes come equipped with a skip function. Worse, it’s been outfitted with smutty gags, graphic violence and foul language that will keep it off-base for young kids who revere the cartoons and action figures. What’s genuinely offensive is Bay’s indiscriminate appetite for destruction, which salivates without distinction whether the targets are overgrown Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots or hundreds of drowned officers in a way-cool shipwreck. The movie’s menageries of sheet-metal panthers and razor-thin searchbots are indeed remarkable applications of artistry, if to no other purpose than to fly off the shelves at Target. But for all the state-of-the-art hardware on display, only one piece of technology could transform this into a good movie: a fast-forward button. — Jim Ridley