Page 3 of 4

You too would rather work for John Elway than Bud Adams. —Bill Hench

You think hoodies are bad but Luchador masks are good. —Meredith Hunter

You figure Eric Church's next move is to build a house in the shape of a coffee maker and start hurling beer bottles. —Meredith Hunter

You ducked out of the Swan Ball early to hightail it back to Bonnaroo. —Peter Dinkel

You've heard Teddy Bart is mentoring Brady Banks. —Stacy Harris

You don't realize you really need to keep Pepper out of the paper. —Meredith Hunter

You got your dog from Emmylou Harris. —Debbie Settles

You can't actually identify the items in your weekly delivery of organic CSA produce. —Debbie Settles

You wish Clay Travis would disappear just like George Plaster. —Brent Eubanks

You think it's becoming obvious that God's pretty pissed at Gaylord. —Meredith Hunter

Your wife gets in the mood by imagining you're Tom Brady. You imagine that she is Peyt ... uhhh, Gisele Bundchen. —Bill Hench

Your daughter invited you to lunch at The Wild Cow and then ruined it by telling you not to wear your NRA cap. —Bill Hench

Manuel has inappropriately grabbed you on the dance floor at a honky-tonk. —Carrie

Oh my gosh, the traffic fatalities are what??? Hold the wheel while I tweet this ... —Chuck Arnold

You actually take the time to complete the YASNI sentence. Also, beard. —Lindsey

You watch the new traffic fatality signs the way you used to watch the lottery billboards — "Whoa, up to 467 now!" —June

You have already searched for Johnny Depp's house. —Daniel Smith

You only live once, but you've eaten at YOLOS several times. —Wando Weaver

The Contributor says you're dead. —Michael Williams

You visited all of your city's top attractions for the first time this year ... inside the airport. —Ben

You know that East Nashville has everything except a grocery store. —Wando Weaver

You're thankful your state rep doesn't take her dog air swimming. —Michael Taylor

You know where the Madagascar rosewood is hidden and you ain't sayin' shit. —Andy Gasparini

You don't give a damn what anybody says, she'll always be Tami Taylor to you. —Charlie

You've noticed Mr. Happy is becoming more volatile. —Heather Helton

You saved hail in your freezer. —Heather Helton

You feel superior to people in Alabama and Kentucky, but not as much as last year. —Charlie

You are sure that you are hallucinating when you see 12 people pedaling a bar down the street. —Dave Weil

Your 52-year-old ponytail is longer than your 22-year-old girlfriend's. —Dave Weil

You run into Michelle Branch and think "nice try." —Chris Sevier

You were severely disappointed with how little drinking was involved at Bar Camp. —Ben

You cried when Opry Mills opened again. —Rebecca Jones

You showed up at Centennial Park for Movies in the Park. —Curtis Stoneberger

Your daily exercise is to walk to the Nashville Scene offices to see if they have any movie passes. —John.A.Blackwell

You think every Muslim you see is a terrorist, even if none of them have killed as many Americans as your pastor. —Robert Means

You click on "share" every time George Takei has something to say about your hometown. —George Oeser

You asked if your $40 wedding "tip" could be credited against your auto tag renewal cost. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You go to the most expensive part of town to watch a free movie. —Jan Bell

It`s easier for your church to change its name than change its heart! —Randy Smith

Your TV news brings you live storm reports by showing a reporter driving around with the windshield wipers on high. —Clifton Kaiser

You went to East Nashville once and didn't get it. —Trent Hanner

You hope Dolly will show Gaylord how it's done. —Trent Hanner

You want to criticize hipsters, but can't stoop to that level due to the stiffness of your Imogene + Willie jeans. —Dana Delworth

Jack White something something. —Jarrod W

You don't know what a mudhole is but you certainly have no inclination to stomp one. —Trent Hanner

You support Bus Rapid Transit but wish they'd gone with trolley cars. —Ann Shayne

You keep reading this gay ass paper called the Nashville Scene. —Jose Quervo

You heard a Kentucky man committed 11 felonies in one night and figured Pacman had re-signed with the Titans. —Roy Moore

You play a game every week called Let's-See-How-Many-Days-It-Takes-the-Mystery-Neighbor-To-Steal-the-Obama-Biden-Sign-From-Our-Front-Lawn. —Matt North

You see chicken bones in every parking lot you walk through. —Stephanie Brown

You stole a District 5 campaign sign. Or maybe you didn't. No one really knows. —Meredith Hunter

You dumped your girlfriend because James Franklin didn't hire you. —Patten Fuqua

You will drive all the way to Franklin to go to the mall, but think that McKay's Bookstore moving all the way to Bellevue is "just too far." —Brenda Sellers

You think the Nashville Scene is a press kit for Jack White. —Brian Siskind

You don't let your kids kiss you goodnight for fear of encouraging "gateway sexual activity." —Mike Hughes

Your SkyWatched neighborhood has been StormTracked and 4Warned to the Power of Five. —Mike Hughes

You're 43 but you need someone to teach you some seventh-grade sex ed. —Meredith Hunter

A night out on the Pedal Tavern was the best workout you had all year long. —Jen Berning

You're Instagram-ing this response because it's *sooooooooooo* good. —Troy Akers

You don't think OTHER people should carry a loaded weapon while driving drunk. —Meredith Hunter

You swear they'll have to pry your gun from your glove box. —Ken Lass

You semi-ironically self-promote your new EP on a Nashville Scene satire contest. Which ... toddfarrell.bandcamp.com! —Todd Farrell

You hated the downtown McDonald's but you're pissed it's still closed. —Stefanie Porolniczak

Your family's nanny makes more per hour than your child's teacher. —Louise Hanson

The thought of what lies behind Scott Borchetta's ever-present smirk keeps you awake at night. —Scared of the Big Machine

You are OK with a state income tax if the revenue is used to buy Nick Saban —Bill Hench

You took your grandma to the grand re-opening of Opry Mills and while you were there she joined a gang! —Tim Hamilton

You snicker when Kentuckians brag about their basketball team. Hell, they can't even teach their horses to walk funny. —Bill Hench

You ain't buyin' Lionel Richie's country act until he throws up in Tootsie's. —Bill Hench

You have your head up your butt and it smells like vintage leather boots up thar. —Bonky

You're confident that the CMA Music Festival pushed us ahead of Saudi Arabia in the camel-toe census. —Bill Hench

Muslim! is the new "Squirrel!" —Mark Reddick

You can't find the Preds playoff game on TV. —Eric Taylor

You think the Musica statues are engaging in gateway activities. —Michael Taylor

You are OK saying "fuck" but can't say "goddamn." —Kate Spina

Two years ago, you read your future husband's honorable mention YASNI entry in the Scene a week before you first actually met him. —Lindsay Hinson

You're looking for volunteer opportunities within the Metro Nashville public school system to demonstrate safe oral sex to teens. —Meghan Morrison

You had to watch your wife pee on Zac Efron. —Dave Lundquist

You get cooking ideas from Big Fella. —Chris Sevier

You have no idea how to get into East Nashville when I-24 is closed. —Lesley Lassiter

You consider a jean fitting at Imogene + Willie gateway sexual activity. —Barry Murphree

You saw your gut hangin' out on an HBO documentary. —Madeline Hinson

You've seen Jack White and Jack Black both dressed as Angus Young. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You spent a week waiting for a Jack White single to plummet from the sky and into your backyard. —Barry Murphree

You've been robbed while drinking an artisanal cocktail. —Emily

You think before too long, JACK-FM will be running the Tennessean. —Clifton Kaiser

You had to find another outlet to post racist, hate-filled rants when the Tennessean switched to Facebook logins for posting online comments. —Clifton Kaiser

You can play "Norwegian Wood," but you can't play it on Norwegian wood. —Thomas Johnson

You put on a dress and high heels to buy tacos. —Kao

You were nice to your drummer for a whole month after Levon Helm died. —Matt North

You're the one who put a "God Has a Plan" bumper sticker over my "God Has a Plan B" bumper sticker. —Matt North

You have to get an Artist pass to hang out with your friends at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile

Someone expects you to pay to read Gail Kerr. —Patten Fuqua

You think MP3s are bad for the music industry but don't know how to download them. —Brian Siskind

Hey! I have a great idea. Why don't I open up a charter school? —Jacob Maurer

Your public art needs a kilt, a jersey, or a red Solo cup. —Chuck Arnold

You felt buzzed just looking at Curry Todd's mugshot. —Meredith Hunter

You arrested a member of the press in your rush to make 20 people respect your authority. —Meredith Hunter

Paper or plastic, smoking or nonsmoking, Muslim or Mormon? —Ken Lass

You want your hot chicken free-range and antibiotic-free. —Ken Lass