2012 You Are So Nashville If... 

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Alex Fine

Want to know what's on your fellow citizens' minds? Take the temperature of the populace? Feel the pulse of the passers-by? We can save you the expense of a fleet of flacks and a bank of robocallers just by getting our sharp-eyed, quick-witted readers to finish the deathless phrase: "You are so Nashville if ..."

So what's on your mind, Music City? The topics this year were broader-ranging than in years past — thank you, cicada life cycles! — with more moving (and in some cases, firing) targets. To be sure, some common concerns emerged beyond by-now habitual worries over guns, religion and public transportation. You got in some barbs at our veto-averse governor and the distinguished (huh?) state senator from Knoxville. You took some swipes at a controversial public official that might be considered, shall we say, "gratuitous." You're up in arms over mega-dollar jeans, mobile dining, and anything that smacks of hipster.

Above all, you had fun zeroing in on the folks and foibles that give Nashville its identity, at a time when the city's national profile has never been higher. This was the first time in YASNI's 23-year history that we conducted the entire contest online. The result was more than 1,200 entries, almost as many as last year, including those of perennial contestants whose names are as familiar to us as kin. (Here's to you, Wando Weaver, Dan Brawner, Ken Lass and Stacy Harris, et al.)

What, your entry was funnier? Didn't get picked? Got submitted almost exactly by someone else? Let the arguments begin — and start gathering your A material for next year. For now, join your fellow Nashvillians in completing the sentence, "You are so Nashville if ..."


FIRST PLACE:

You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville. —Holly Matthews

Meet the winner:
The winner of this year's "You Are So Nashville If ..." contest is no stranger either to deadlines or to the YASNIs themselves. Even before she started UT-Knoxville as a journalism major, Holly Matthews was penning a weekly column about high school life for her hometown daily, the Morristown, Tenn., Citizen Tribune. She switched career paths — smart move, Holly — and went into teaching not long before she moved to Nashville in 2004.
"I love the vibe of Nashville," says Matthews, a native Tennessean who will soon start the fall school year as a librarian for Metro Nashville Public Schools. "It's so progressive, which is a great thing. There are all different types, and there's lots of room for creativity, which is encouraged."
Speaking of encouraging creativity, Matthews says she's entered YASNI at least two or three times over the years, but this time her entry — "You think Bart Durham should direct the Real Housewives of Nashville" — made it all the way to the top. Asked what gave her the inspiration for the entry, Matthews says it probably came from "years and years" of watching colorful Nashville attorney Durham's novel serialized soap-opera TV ads.
"It seems like he and the Real Housewives would get along well," Matthews says.


SECOND PLACE:

You know deep down that no wife is hot enough to help Vandy to a winning season. —Bill Mason

THIRD PLACE:

You think that Chely Wright is the only gay country singer. —Jenny Madison

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

You think you're green and your favorite restaurant gets less than 10 miles per gallon. —Bill Hench

You look too much like Kenny Chesney to attend his concert. —Dave Lundquist

You were heartened to see your friends almost as united by a bull semen spill as they were by the flood. — Meredith Hunter

You think Peyton might have come if Shoney's would have sweetened the offer with some hot fudge cake. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You would so buy an "Occupy Nashville" Hatch Show Print. —Clifton Kaiser

Your backyard chickens are named Mild, Hot and Extra-Hot. — Trent Hanner

When your friends were talking about a bacon sundae, you wondered if they had gone to Burger King or The Catbird Seat. —Mike Dorr


THE OTHERS:

You think you are witnessing drug deals when you drive down Gallatin Pike, when in reality it's just people in line for the Redbox machine. —Daniel Spartan Smith

Your teenage daughter knows it's dangerous to hold hands with her boyfriend but thinks the word "condom" is Spanish for Colombian drug mule. —James Dittes

You're all about the First Amendment — as long as it's practiced on the day, time and location you designate. —Meredith Hunter

You have to pay your newspaper to look at pictures of tattoos from Bonnaroo. —Patten Fuqua

You left without seeing Chris Bostick and haven't seen or heard from your family since. —Patten Fuqua

Your non-discrimination policy discriminates. —Mike Dorr

You think the Greyhound bus terminal expansion has gotten out of hand. —Mike Dorr

You've asked for the William Todd suite at Hotel Indigo. —Roy Moore

By looking at the billboards around town, you think Muammar Gaddafi is alive and well and conducting your local symphony orchestra. —Luke J. Schneider

As you drive by, you are envious of the great tans on The Contributor vendors. —Michael Nott

Your employee parking lot doubles as a shooting range. —Ken Lass

The bumper sticker on your car reads Little Jimmy Dickens for President. —Sheri Hardison

The only car in your kids' carpool line at school with an old Jim Cooper bumper sticker IS Jim Cooper's. —Louise Hanson

Your governor couldn't find his veto stamp with two hands and a flashlight. —Virginia McCoy

You've been photographed with the Bang This twins. —Trent Hanner

You give Jack White a dollar and patiently wait for a Contributor. —Jamie Yost

You can't get a couple more charter schools and Legislative Plaza still isn't ADA-compliant, but dammit, you've got backyard chickens! —Meredith Hunter

You follow the Grilled Cheeserie on every form of social media but have yet to eat there. —Brent Eubanks

You saw Phillip Phillips at Which Wich with an A&R exec who looks just like Sirhan Sirhan. —Matt North

You're leading a food and music revolution in East Nashville. —Kendall Joseph

You think Patrick Carney's foot has taken up permanent residence in his mouth. —Jen Berning

You finally sold your effing condo. —Josh O'Connor

You think the Muslims' 30-year plan to take over Rutherford County is right on schedule. —Ken Lass

You're from Detroit. —Dan Brawner

You got lucky at SlutWalk. —Michael Williams

You complain about all the traffic in 12South, but drive 100 yards from your home so you can valet park at Urban Grub. —Jay Yancey

Your paywall has a flaw. —Wando Weaver

You scream, "THEY'RE FROM NASHVILLE!" at every song on the radio when you're around people in another city. —Eric Taylor

You've been punched in the face by a relative of Pam Murray. —Michael Williams

You sit alone on the banks of Riverfront on Thursdays in the summer humming tunes to yourself and calling it Dancing in the District. —Eric Taylor

You love Hosie Nation. —Eric Taylor

You think that the Music City Star is a great idea, despite having never actually used it. —Andy Gasparini

Your band practices in a self-storage locker on Charlotte Pike. —Phil Loughrey

You've mistakenly answered your capo. —Heather Helton

Your wood is so exotic you're not allowed to make guitars with it. —Dave Lundquist

Your tenure is jeopardized by your "Hugs Not Drugs" bumper sticker. —Nathan Hunter

You and 11 of your friends got a DUI while driving the Nashville Pedal Bar. —Dave Weil

You are afraid of your "muslim sheets." —Dave Weil

People have to have a laminated pass to enter your house. —Dave Weil

You check out the Block and Amax agencies websites to decide who you should date next. —Chris Sevier

You know that Taylor Swift does not write her own songs, Caitlin's mom does. —Chris Sevier

You wonder where the TN GOP bought their flux capacitor. —Holly Matthews

You lined up to get into Nordstrom's first and then complained about the big city prices. —Emily

Your property tax got increased 13 percent and all you got was this lousy library. —Emily

You know the other musical Jack White's real name is Horst Nussbaum. —Mark Spencer

You think the new Music City Center is the baseball park downtown people keep talking about. —Curtis Stoneberger

Mike and Frank "popped" on an item in one of your outbuildings. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You got stabbed during "Statesboro Blues" at the Gregg Allman show. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You think illegal foreign workers are destroying this country, but illegal foreign wood is a God-given right. —Robert Means

The seafood department at your local grocery store put a warning label on the raw oysters because eating uncooked seafood can be unsafe and a gateway sexual activity. —George Oeser

You come to the shocking realization that the only thing that can halt road construction in Nashville is the "Brothers of the Sun Tour"! Really!??! —Celeste Bearden

After 12 years, you finally noticed that Fort Negley is RIGHT OVER THERE! —Ryan Kamper

You hope the Sounds move so it will be much easier to still not see them. —Sean Alexander

You were so worn out from saving everything else that you didn't care about Tower Records being torn down. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You maxed out your free access to the Tennessean on Highball galleries, but at least you can read local news in the NYT, GQ, Esquire, the Guardian, etc. —Sean Alexander

You say, "Do what now?" —April

You are sick of Ben Cunningham — who does not live in Davidson County — comments on Davidson County tax issues. —Cris Cannon

Your county clerk charges gratuity on parties of two. —Trent Hanner

John Arriola stole 40 bucks from you, four times. —Bill Hench

You wonder when they are going to pave 440. —Rob Duke

The word "Fireball" popped up during your DUI trial. —Peter Dinkel

Your state legislature wants to turn the clock back to the days when dinosaurs and people still lived together, some 6,000 years ago. —Dan McNamara

Scouring the Craigslist ads for toe suckers is a favorite pastime. —Michelle V

You ate that poached quail egg thing at The Catbird Seat and said you liked it. —Ann Shayne

You shoot the shit at your kid's travel lacrosse tournament with the songwriter dad who has written two operas. —Ann Shayne

You've ever referred to an appendage as "Old Hickory." —Tim Hibbs

The characters in your church's Nativity scene look exactly like Fleetwood Mac. —Matt North

You're engaged to Reese Witherspoon's dad. —Matt North

You don't know the correct definition of "gratuity." —Meredith Hunter

You've never been to Elliston Place Soda Shop but were REALLY PISSED at their landlord for four days. —Meredith Hunter

You complained about the bumpkins at CMA while you camped with the hippies at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile

You were confused as to why Alexander Radulov was able to come back to Nashville after that lady in Shelbyville returned him to the adoption agency. —Patten Fuqua

You've considered opening a weekend-only ferry system to help fellow East Siders make it across the river, Oregon Trail style. —Andrew

After buying your song catalog back from your publisher at his request, you find out the catalog is owned by a bank. —Laura Powers

You constantly know if traffic is backed up on the Schuylkill Expressway because you have never unfollowed Christine Maddela on Twitter. —William

You introduce yourself by mentioning a church you never attend. —Deanna Raih

You thought freedom of the press had to do with one of those fancy coffee makers. —Meredith Hunter

You think John Arriola is one corrupt nipple. —Roy Moore

You carry an extra crate in the car for all of the stray dogs you find on runs in East Nashville. —Deanna Larson

Your city built an award-winning main library more than a decade ago, but you're scared of downtown, so you've never seen it. —Deanna Larson

You didn't think it would be such a big deal to park your plane there for a day or two. —Meredith Hunter

You work in Cool Springs, so you cheat at CMA Bingo. —Meredith Hunter

You love your neighborhood, but if they would only get rid of that sketchy gas station ... —Barry Murphree

You hope we have a huge blizzard this winter so Davis Nolan can feel important. —Lonnie Flemmer

No se. —Ryan Barry

WHO THE HELL IS HUNTER HAYES!?!??!??!?!? —Troy Akers

Your busiest night as a Franklin cop was keeping rabid Justin Bieber fans at bay the night he shot his video. —Troy Akers

You're really hoping Tim McGraw's first single on his newly joined label Big Machine is called "Taylor Swift." —Troy Akers

You felt embarrassed walking out of Parnassus Books with Fifty Shades of Grey. —Mike Dorr

You too would rather work for John Elway than Bud Adams. —Bill Hench

You think hoodies are bad but Luchador masks are good. —Meredith Hunter

You figure Eric Church's next move is to build a house in the shape of a coffee maker and start hurling beer bottles. —Meredith Hunter

You ducked out of the Swan Ball early to hightail it back to Bonnaroo. —Peter Dinkel

You've heard Teddy Bart is mentoring Brady Banks. —Stacy Harris

You don't realize you really need to keep Pepper out of the paper. —Meredith Hunter

You got your dog from Emmylou Harris. —Debbie Settles

You can't actually identify the items in your weekly delivery of organic CSA produce. —Debbie Settles

You wish Clay Travis would disappear just like George Plaster. —Brent Eubanks

You think it's becoming obvious that God's pretty pissed at Gaylord. —Meredith Hunter

Your wife gets in the mood by imagining you're Tom Brady. You imagine that she is Peyt ... uhhh, Gisele Bundchen. —Bill Hench

Your daughter invited you to lunch at The Wild Cow and then ruined it by telling you not to wear your NRA cap. —Bill Hench

Manuel has inappropriately grabbed you on the dance floor at a honky-tonk. —Carrie

Oh my gosh, the traffic fatalities are what??? Hold the wheel while I tweet this ... —Chuck Arnold

You actually take the time to complete the YASNI sentence. Also, beard. —Lindsey

You watch the new traffic fatality signs the way you used to watch the lottery billboards — "Whoa, up to 467 now!" —June

You have already searched for Johnny Depp's house. —Daniel Smith

You only live once, but you've eaten at YOLOS several times. —Wando Weaver

The Contributor says you're dead. —Michael Williams

You visited all of your city's top attractions for the first time this year ... inside the airport. —Ben

You know that East Nashville has everything except a grocery store. —Wando Weaver

You're thankful your state rep doesn't take her dog air swimming. —Michael Taylor

You know where the Madagascar rosewood is hidden and you ain't sayin' shit. —Andy Gasparini

You don't give a damn what anybody says, she'll always be Tami Taylor to you. —Charlie

You've noticed Mr. Happy is becoming more volatile. —Heather Helton

You saved hail in your freezer. —Heather Helton

You feel superior to people in Alabama and Kentucky, but not as much as last year. —Charlie

You are sure that you are hallucinating when you see 12 people pedaling a bar down the street. —Dave Weil

Your 52-year-old ponytail is longer than your 22-year-old girlfriend's. —Dave Weil

You run into Michelle Branch and think "nice try." —Chris Sevier

You were severely disappointed with how little drinking was involved at Bar Camp. —Ben

You cried when Opry Mills opened again. —Rebecca Jones

You showed up at Centennial Park for Movies in the Park. —Curtis Stoneberger

Your daily exercise is to walk to the Nashville Scene offices to see if they have any movie passes. —John.A.Blackwell

You think every Muslim you see is a terrorist, even if none of them have killed as many Americans as your pastor. —Robert Means

You click on "share" every time George Takei has something to say about your hometown. —George Oeser

You asked if your $40 wedding "tip" could be credited against your auto tag renewal cost. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You go to the most expensive part of town to watch a free movie. —Jan Bell

It`s easier for your church to change its name than change its heart! —Randy Smith

Your TV news brings you live storm reports by showing a reporter driving around with the windshield wipers on high. —Clifton Kaiser

You went to East Nashville once and didn't get it. —Trent Hanner

You hope Dolly will show Gaylord how it's done. —Trent Hanner

You want to criticize hipsters, but can't stoop to that level due to the stiffness of your Imogene + Willie jeans. —Dana Delworth

Jack White something something. —Jarrod W

You don't know what a mudhole is but you certainly have no inclination to stomp one. —Trent Hanner

You support Bus Rapid Transit but wish they'd gone with trolley cars. —Ann Shayne

You keep reading this gay ass paper called the Nashville Scene. —Jose Quervo

You heard a Kentucky man committed 11 felonies in one night and figured Pacman had re-signed with the Titans. —Roy Moore

You play a game every week called Let's-See-How-Many-Days-It-Takes-the-Mystery-Neighbor-To-Steal-the-Obama-Biden-Sign-From-Our-Front-Lawn. —Matt North

You see chicken bones in every parking lot you walk through. —Stephanie Brown

You stole a District 5 campaign sign. Or maybe you didn't. No one really knows. —Meredith Hunter

You dumped your girlfriend because James Franklin didn't hire you. —Patten Fuqua

You will drive all the way to Franklin to go to the mall, but think that McKay's Bookstore moving all the way to Bellevue is "just too far." —Brenda Sellers

You think the Nashville Scene is a press kit for Jack White. —Brian Siskind

You don't let your kids kiss you goodnight for fear of encouraging "gateway sexual activity." —Mike Hughes

Your SkyWatched neighborhood has been StormTracked and 4Warned to the Power of Five. —Mike Hughes

You're 43 but you need someone to teach you some seventh-grade sex ed. —Meredith Hunter

A night out on the Pedal Tavern was the best workout you had all year long. —Jen Berning

You're Instagram-ing this response because it's *sooooooooooo* good. —Troy Akers

You don't think OTHER people should carry a loaded weapon while driving drunk. —Meredith Hunter

You swear they'll have to pry your gun from your glove box. —Ken Lass

You semi-ironically self-promote your new EP on a Nashville Scene satire contest. Which ... toddfarrell.bandcamp.com! —Todd Farrell

You hated the downtown McDonald's but you're pissed it's still closed. —Stefanie Porolniczak

Your family's nanny makes more per hour than your child's teacher. —Louise Hanson

The thought of what lies behind Scott Borchetta's ever-present smirk keeps you awake at night. —Scared of the Big Machine

You are OK with a state income tax if the revenue is used to buy Nick Saban —Bill Hench

You took your grandma to the grand re-opening of Opry Mills and while you were there she joined a gang! —Tim Hamilton

You snicker when Kentuckians brag about their basketball team. Hell, they can't even teach their horses to walk funny. —Bill Hench

You ain't buyin' Lionel Richie's country act until he throws up in Tootsie's. —Bill Hench

You have your head up your butt and it smells like vintage leather boots up thar. —Bonky

You're confident that the CMA Music Festival pushed us ahead of Saudi Arabia in the camel-toe census. —Bill Hench

Muslim! is the new "Squirrel!" —Mark Reddick

You can't find the Preds playoff game on TV. —Eric Taylor

You think the Musica statues are engaging in gateway activities. —Michael Taylor

You are OK saying "fuck" but can't say "goddamn." —Kate Spina

Two years ago, you read your future husband's honorable mention YASNI entry in the Scene a week before you first actually met him. —Lindsay Hinson

You're looking for volunteer opportunities within the Metro Nashville public school system to demonstrate safe oral sex to teens. —Meghan Morrison

You had to watch your wife pee on Zac Efron. —Dave Lundquist

You get cooking ideas from Big Fella. —Chris Sevier

You have no idea how to get into East Nashville when I-24 is closed. —Lesley Lassiter

You consider a jean fitting at Imogene + Willie gateway sexual activity. —Barry Murphree

You saw your gut hangin' out on an HBO documentary. —Madeline Hinson

You've seen Jack White and Jack Black both dressed as Angus Young. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You spent a week waiting for a Jack White single to plummet from the sky and into your backyard. —Barry Murphree

You've been robbed while drinking an artisanal cocktail. —Emily

You think before too long, JACK-FM will be running the Tennessean. —Clifton Kaiser

You had to find another outlet to post racist, hate-filled rants when the Tennessean switched to Facebook logins for posting online comments. —Clifton Kaiser

You can play "Norwegian Wood," but you can't play it on Norwegian wood. —Thomas Johnson

You put on a dress and high heels to buy tacos. —Kao

You were nice to your drummer for a whole month after Levon Helm died. —Matt North

You're the one who put a "God Has a Plan" bumper sticker over my "God Has a Plan B" bumper sticker. —Matt North

You have to get an Artist pass to hang out with your friends at Bonnaroo. —Henry Pile

Someone expects you to pay to read Gail Kerr. —Patten Fuqua

You think MP3s are bad for the music industry but don't know how to download them. —Brian Siskind

Hey! I have a great idea. Why don't I open up a charter school? —Jacob Maurer

Your public art needs a kilt, a jersey, or a red Solo cup. —Chuck Arnold

You felt buzzed just looking at Curry Todd's mugshot. —Meredith Hunter

You arrested a member of the press in your rush to make 20 people respect your authority. —Meredith Hunter

Paper or plastic, smoking or nonsmoking, Muslim or Mormon? —Ken Lass

You want your hot chicken free-range and antibiotic-free. —Ken Lass

You took your Imogene + Willies out into that big hailstorm just so you could "weather" them. —Troy Akers

You get writers' credits for being a puppet. —Pop Lobster

You still don't know where to park in the Gulch. —Stefanie Porolniczak

Your idea of pump-you-up workout music is The National's "High Violet." —Troy Akerr

You're all offended by the public's reticence to get behind your paywall in order to see fluff pieces. —Meredith Hunter

You're not sure why, but your state government has you really pissed off at your own uterus. —Meredith Hunter

You still think you can save WRVU. —Peter Dinkel

You've always wanted to move to East Nashville and according to The New York Times, you just did! —Mike Dorr

Bacon. —Lesley Lassiter

Oh, for fuck's sake, let us buy wine at grocery store already. —Andy Gasparini

You've driven up and down Porter Road a hundred times and still can't find a damn butcher shop. —Barry Murphree

You thought the new Bart Durham commercials were previews for the new Weekend at Bernie's movie. —Jason and Heath Hinson

You have a bumper sticker that is somehow both proud of and disparaging of your zip code. —Ryan Kamper

You'll wait in line to see The Black Keys at Springwater, but your own band is too "good" to play there. —Katie Austin

You silently apologized to Ann Patchett when you purchased a book on Amazon.com. —Clifton Kaiser

The sight of a paparazzo freaks you out way more than the sight of a celebrity. —Allison Norton

Nothing you write for this contest will be any funnier than everything Stacey Campfield actually said. —Zack Bennett

Jack White Jack White Jack White, Jack White Jack White; Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White Jack White. —Andrew Farwell

Your legislature wants to party like it's 1959. —Ken Lass

You pronounce Shelbyville with only two syllables. —Dennis Steele

You take to the comments of a blog post to defend your publication's fluff piece — because that always turns out well. —Meredith Hunter

You're glad you're not a Southern Baptist anymore. —Virginia McCoy

Your schools have snow days without having snow. —Ryan Hirsch

You put some old gas station signs in front of your barn as bait for the American Pickers guys. —Mike Bodayle

You've started buying blood diamonds because their sales methods aren't this ugly. —Meredith Hunter

Your jeans cost more than your car. —Lew Moore

You'll eat anything, edible or not, provided it is served with Benton's Bacon. —Sam Farkas

Life is better for chickens than it is for gays. —Clifton Kaiser

You are fined for mentioning last year's YASNIs winner to your classroom. —Catherine

You think a handful of protesters with tents are a threat to public safety, but a drunk legislator with a gun isn't. —Ilissa Gold

You used Occupy Nashville to try out your tent before Bonnaroo. —Mike Dorr

You get AIDS from monkeys, but don't evolve from them. —Patten Fuqua

You feel an odd mixture of pride and shame for being the national test market for bacon ice cream. —Mike Dorr

You'd like to fill Toby Keith's Red Solo Cup. —Bill Hench

You can't get your prescription filled at The Pharmacy unless it's for a Stroganoff Burger and Hard Cider. YUM!! —Nichole Curtiss

You, without hesitation, dry your hands and face on the community towel at Browns Diner hoping some residue of the talent of The Black Keys rubs off on you. —Anonymous

You have a plausible explanation for why Maury Davis is such a power-player that his "show" pre-empts the second half-hour of Face the Nation: You just can't remember what it is. —Stacy Harris

You think shooting someone on Tom T. Hall's property is worth spending a week in a country jail. —Stacy Harris


THE WEIRDIES:

Frankly, YASNI contestants, sometimes you scare us. Here's our annual sampling of as-is, warts-and-all entries that left us scratching our heads (or watching the doors):

You have religous tats. (tattoos)

You did or didn't give a cluck.

You live on the East Side and have your home broken into only to find your dearest of valuables (funky belt buckles, books about mummies, vinyl records, etc.) left behind by the thief.

Bud Adams' Missing Marbles

You love the NRA's new slogan: "Just go ahead and try to eat Ted Nugent's face, punk"

You remember how Nashville was perfectly cool before Jack White took over the city, but choose to block out that part of your brain with "artisan" hats.

Wear 'COWBOY BOOTS AND BIG DOLLY BOOBS AND RIDE A COWBOY

You own a miniature Batman Building statue. Move over Empire State Building! If you're looking - they're at the Walgreens on West End.

You remember when Nashville wasn't so obsessed with its image! Who cares about hipsters, food trucks, handmade soaps and chocolate. Give me country music and a beer. No a real beer!!

Jackson Ferrell breaks your windshield with a soccer ball like he did mine

You have ever said, "You're not going to tell anyone about this are you?"

You're still rocking that Kate Gosselin haircut from YASNI two or three years ago. Way to go you, Contemporary Christian Artist, you.

Nasa can smell your Patchouli oil from outer space.

Your jeans are skinnier than my sister's but sadly, .....You have a penis.

You are putting the Dark Side on notice: You can keep Natalie Maines and Chely Wright but you mess with Princess Carrie and we will go Chewbacca on your ass

Your a dude and have a hard time saying the name "I Dream of Weenie" to others even though you love their hot dogs, and the taste reminds you of college football.

You need the right to bring a gun to work for the next time the tech support guy calls you Triceratops.

You go to see the play Nevermore: An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe at the main library downtown on Jan. 19 & you get showed up by Jeffrey Combs, the actor playing Poe just because your cell phone goes off. & he says: "Your middle name, sir, is Shame." & the patrons in attendance applaude.

You're new album is all about your exes and you call the songs by their full names. LOLZ. ROFL.

You've put a watermelon under your shirt just to get the pregnant discount at Sweet CeCe's. And you're a straight up man.

Go fuck yourselves, you bunch of outdated, wannabe eurotrash hipsters.

PAST WINNERS:

1989: You think our Parthenon is better because the other one fell apart. —Susan Fenton

1990: Your mayor is married and engaged at the same time. —Maralee Self

1991: You say to the person behind the counter at the Hot Stop, "We really kicked y'all's ass in that Desert Storm." —Willie D. Sweet Jr.

1992: You go to a Hank Williams Jr. concert at Starwood and pass out before Hank does. —Ted W. Davis III

1993: Your church congregation is referred to as "the studio audience." —Sharon Kasserman

1994: You think that the H.O.V. lane is for people with AIDS. —Paul Allen

1995: No winner

1996: You never meant to stay here this long. —Robert Jetton

1997: You've checked your flower bed for Janet March. —Terry Robertson

1998: You're the only one who doesn't know you're gay. —Diana Hecht

1999: You dig up your mom. —Rick Hagey

2000: You want to vote Brad Schmitt off the island. —Chad Tribble

2001: Your minister follows the Nine Commandments. —Ken Lass

2002: Towns you've never heard of are going to be hit by a tornado at 6:51, 6:53 and 7:01 p.m. —Rick Hagey

2003: You returned a friendly Southern wave to Adam Dread as he veered across Franklin Pike. —Cindy Parrish

2004: You need a war to sell records. —Joe Scutella

2005: Your governor gives TennCare beneficiaries McDonald's instead of health care coverage. —Ken Lass

2006: You were a gay cowboy before being a gay cowboy was cool. —Michael Williams

2007: You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About. —Michael Williams

2008: Your DUI arrest gets a five-star rating on YouTube. —Roy Moore

2009: Your local GOP makes the KKK look like the ACLU. —Jonathan Belcher

2010: Your city flooded and all you got was a lousy T-shirt. —David Anthony

2011: Gay gay gay, gay gay; gay gay gay gay gay. —Dana Delworth

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