Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Private Lives of Nashville Wives Recap: 'Bright Lights, Big City'

Posted By on Tue, Feb 25, 2014 at 11:08 AM

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Private Lives of Nashville Wives is a show that is now on television. Dozens of people colluded to cast, film, edit, write (yes), and perform on this show, and the result of all of that work is now here. How is it? So boring. Most of the women seem nice. Two of them want to be reality-TV famous. One of the husbands seems like an unctuous creep. The kids are all right. It was filmed last summer, and everyone looks so warm. So very warm.

Let's meet the cast and recap the very little action, shall we?

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This is Sarah. She wants to be a singer. "I want to be the next big thing," she says. She is married to Dallas Davidson, who is very successful. He wrote "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk," which means he has a lot to answer for. "It's constantly filled with music and it's extremely sporadic," says Sarah of Nashville.

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This is Erika. She is married to Bryan White. She used to be in soap operas. She's been a stay-at-home mom for ten years, and feels like she is not taken seriously.

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Here is one of Erika and Bryan's sons, not taking his father seriously. This kid is the best person on the show by a mile.

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This is Gary Chapman and his wife Cassie. She used to be a Hooter's girl. She seems nice enough. He seems creepy.

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This is Betty Malo. She is married to Raul Malo of The Mavericks.

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This is Jenny Terrell. She is a VP of some sort at Living Social.

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Jenny's husband has a neck tattoo.

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This is Ana, twin sister of Betty. Ana and Betty suck. Ana and Betty love hamming it up for reality TV, though: They argue for an entire segment about picking up a dead pig for a roast. That description of the action was exactly as scintillating as it sounds.

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A dead pig.

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Cassie and Gary's home in "Nashville." Look at how warm and green it seems! Do you remember summer?

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Gary Chapman shows off his gun. "It's like a Roger Rabbit cartoon gun."

"In most parts of the country when you hear gunfire in your neighborhood, it's something you should be concerned about. But that's not the case here in Nashville. So you just have to assume it was something that needed shooting." —Gary Chapman

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The children are not impressed. "Do we have to shoot it?" they ask. Erika proceeds to be a good mother and tell the children never to touch guns, and to find an adult if they ever see one lying around.

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The adults shot a watermelon.

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Betty and her husband and sister had their party with the pig. This guy was there.

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Sarah, who wants to be a singer, sings.

The End.

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