Rayna: Daughter Drama
Let’s go ahead and get Daphne out of the way: she’s on a “trip to D.C.” Sure. Okay. Anyway. Rayna drops Maddie off at Teddy’s office (or the other way around, whatever) and Maddie is mad stoked about the Big Music Festival that’s coming up. She’s got an all-access pass and everything! Deacon is also performing at the festival, and she would like to take a guitar lesson with him, please. Teddy Does Not Approve of this, and Rayna says that Deacon and Maddie have a “musical connection” that should be nurtured and Teddy is like “Don’t give me that DNA crap!” and it sounds like he should have been a defense lawyer instead of a politician. How about this: Maddie learns music and alcoholism from Deacon, and fundraising and embezzling from you? Everyone’s happy!
Rayna drops Maddie off for the lesson. Maddie tells Deacon that she’s going to perform at an open mic for kids at Two Old Hippies, which is a sentence that had to really confuse any viewers who are not in Nashville. They babble awkwardly at one another for a while, and she doesn’t ask him when his hand got un-busted enough to play guitar again, but never mind.
Teddy is grrr so mad about Maddie seeing Deacon! He tells wife Peggy that he’s in a bad mood and she is like “Me too, from the miscarriage. The real miscarriage that you were a witness to, that happened very recently and not ages ago.” She tells him to lighten up, though, that Maddie is going to perform for everyone today! Hooray! Let’s go support Maddie!
We’re at Two Old Hippies, and Peggy runs up to Rayna like a CRAZY PERSON with kisses and hugs and tells her they saved a seat up front so that Maddie could see all of her family (including me, Peggy, family, stepmom) in one place. “Uh okay!” says Rayna and everyone else. The announcer bro comes out and says “Welcome to Two Old Hippies, home of peace, love, and rock and roll” and someone (me) throws a bottle at his head from the back of the room. After medics check out his head wound, he introduces Maddie. And then she introduces Deacon to come and sing with her! “Murmur murmur murmur” the crowd hubbubs, and then they sing a song.
Just realized Rayna is wearing the same frilly pirate blouse I wore for school photo day in 1994. I had a paisley vest over it, though, and very likely a cameo choker.
Like a summertime one-night-stand, Deacon bails on the gig as soon as it’s over. Teddy runs outside after him and is like “You think you can just swoop in and dazzle her with this music crap?” and Deacon does NOT say “It worked on your wife,” but he should have. Teddy thinks Deacon sucks and should be in jail. Deacon thinks Teddy is gross for marrying his mistress (he would). “Stop it!” cries Maddie, they are tearing her apart! She runs away down the street. Good thing no cars drove by while the mayor was in a screaming match with a famous guitar player on the street corner, huh?
At home, Peggy asks Teddy what his hatred re: Deacon is all about. He tells her that Maddie is Deacon’s biological daughter. I forgot she didn’t already know that. Deacon, meanwhile, is talking to his lawyer girlfriend about he has rights, too, and she is very “Let me throw a real sentence at you — are you ready to legally be in her life, forever, until one of you is dead?” Deacon is very Thinking Face. Triple meanwhile, Maddie is like “Worst day! Maybe I shouldn’t see either of them anymore!”
Maddie’s desire not to see either man concerns Rayna. She puts together a meeting of the minds and tries to convince them not to give Maddie any reason to think they totally suck. At the very least, reason does not work on Teddy, because he yoinks Deacon from the festival. The mayor is very powerful.
Rayna: Daddy Drama
Rayna gets a collect call from Lamar, who is currently residing in the “Federal Correctional Institution at Clarksville,” and it’s like, double bummer: jail AND Clarksville? Cruel and unusual punishment, I say. He asks for a visit. She visits. She delivers a card her children made for their felonious grandfather and, frankly, they have the crafting skills of a five-year-old. Lamar, too polite to comment on how his grandkids put in the bare minimum amount of effort to brighten his stay in Clarksville, tells Rayna that he needs Tandy to be a character witness for him so he can get on house arrest. He can’t get in touch with Tandy, see, and needs Rayna to do it. He just wants to spend time with his grandchildren, forcing them to make clay ashtrays and macaroni cards until they get it right, goddamn it.
Sharing a hot cuppa coffee, Tandy and Rayna meander down Demonbreun chatting about whether or not to support their imprisoned father. What will Tandy decide? She chats with her new buddies the feds about her predicament. “My father is 65 years old and he is not doing well,” she tells them. I know he had a heart attack (stroke? whatever) but — that’s not that old? Anyway.
She doesn’t show up in court, by the way. Rayna gets up to speak for her father herself. He is not a flight risk, she declares, he luvs his fambly and would not run away to glamorous foreign shores. Request for house arrest is DENIED. The prosecutor literally rubs his hands together. Lamar tells his lawyer to see if he can get a refund on that ticket to Croatia.
Tandy gets home (Rayna’s home) and pours herself a glass of wine. Rayna asks what exactly is the deal between Tandy and Lamar. Tandy is cagey and says goodnight. Meanwhile, at jail, Lamar is quoting Proverbs. Huh ok.
Here we are in exciting Minneapolis, Minnesota, the Clarksville correctional facility of the Midwest! Layla is opening Juliette’s concert and taking liberties by giving herself an encore and dedicating a song to her gay boyfriend Will (that she does not know is gay). Her earpiece/earring combo reminds me of Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Anyway, Juliette and manager Glenn are watching backstage. Juliette, naturally, is taking umbrage at all of this little guttersnipe’s squawking, and Glenn tries to go settle it with Layla’s manager. Charlie British Guy shows up. He thinks he loves her, but she is not so sure. She thinks he just likes games, and she is not a toy. I mean maybe I am just more mercenary than Juliette but we have, in fact, established that he is super-wealthy, and I heartily suggest she get pregnant immediately. JUST SAYING, successful women do that all the time.
LIfe goes on, time passes. Charlie calls her and tells her to turn on TV — it’s Extra, where Mario Lopez got the hot scoop on foreign financier divorce gossip! Juliette tells him that she worked super-hard to repair her image and she can’t go gallivanting around with him just like that. He says she’s special. She’s the 1 percent of the 1 percent. She is ROYALTY and should not forget that.
Layla pops up, all Eddie Haskell, “Hi Mr. Wentworth! Gee what a shame about your divorce!” and Juliette pulls her aside to tell her she’s flipping Layla and Will’s sets. Layla makes a sad, shocked face. I can’t tell if we’re supposed to feel any empathy for Layla, ‘cause I don’t.
Glenn is mad because he was trying to do his job and be a manager and do manager stuff and since Layla is pissed now, she’s going to join Will for a duet during the last song of his set. He says that Charlie brings out the worst in Juliette (better than the sober companion, though — Zeke? Clem? I forget his name). She is mean to Glenn and tells him to go manage Layla since he cares so much. Actually, Maddie is currently in the market for a non-insane father figure. Plus he could probably get her better gigs than a mid-afternoon children’s open mic at Two Old Hippies.
Charlie’s back, reminding Juliette of how fabulous and special they are, above the laws of man and nature. It is becoming ever more clear to me that he’s onto some kind of Ayn Rand shit and is going to try and talk her into a horrific Leopold and Loeb-style Übermensch murder. I change my mind about having his baby.
Aaaanyway, here’s a quick scene to remind us all that Juliette is fantastic. She sashays past Layla before she heads out to duet, all like “sit this one out, bitch,” and is dressed like a futuristic slutty Sandy from the end of Grease. She says that Will is her “favorite” opening act, and then they duet a Collective Soul song or something. Layla runs off in tears. Glenn is like GLARE and Juliette says “She started it!” Cut to commercial. THE BEST.
Juliette, though, is sad. She may not need quite the ego that Charlie Wentworth wants her to have, but she could probably do with some daily affirmations nonetheless. She’s sad, alone, in a bar, and sees Will. She asks him why people like Layla, and he’s like “eh.” He does say, though, that someday he’ll meet someone who makes him feel like “the best version of himself.” She takes these wise words and calls Avery, of all people. Let’s hope she’s still drunk. She tells Charlie to go back to his wife. He’s like “Sure, whatever.” He’ll make sure to give Mario Lopez the exclusive on their reconciliation.
Will & Layla
Will is taking to the road quite well, tearin’ ‘er up at the bar and accepting shots from fans. Underage Layla comes in, sad that he left before she finished her set. She tries to escort him out but he is basically like “NO I’M DRUNK” and he jumps up on top of the bar to sing. Angry/sad Layla walks out just in time to miss him bellyflop onto the concrete barroom floor.
A doctor checks out his head and Layla is smad at him (sad+mad = smad I’m tired shut up). She says their relationship is “pointless” if he doesn’t care about her. That Guy From The Label Who I Think Is an Ex of Will’s I’m Not Sure All the White Dudes Under 40 on This Show Look Alike shows up and says now he’s got to be Will’s companion, since Will keeps getting into so much trouble. His handler. (“His dick handler, hur hur hur.” — me.)
So Will is sad about Layla being sad and she is staying with him when they get back to Nashville. They kiss for a second and then she’s like “Tell me how much you hate Juliette that gets me super-hot” and he’s like “nah” and bails. She calls TMZ with the dirty dirt on why Wentworth Miller divorced his wife Bisexual Lady. “Juliette Barnes,” being the reason. Mario Lopez is pissed that he got scooped.
Scarlett, Avery, Gunnar, and Zoe
In glamorous Tulsa, Oklahoma (home of Hanson!), we quickly find ourselves embroiled in sitcom-style phone hijinks. See, Gunnar and Scarlett (the human personification of the Kid’s Table at Thanksgiving) are both on their phones backstage: Scarlett is talking to Avery in Nashville and Gunnar is (secretly) talking to Zoe! Everyone overhears everyone else, and it’s decided that Avery and Zoe will meet them in fabulous St. Louis, Missouri, the next stop on tour.
The gang arrives, and though Scarlett has to work, Gunnar offers to show Avery and Zoe around St. Louis, and specifically wants to show Zoe his … St. Louis Arch? That doesn’t work. Too bad they’re not in D.C. (Daphne's coming home with a long list of euphemisms based on landmarks.) Luke Wheeler’s tour lounge is one of the stops and it is very fancy, what with the pinball machine and antler chandelier and purple walls. Avery disappears for a second and Gunnar flirts with Zoe for a second and PUTS HIS FINGER OVER HER MOUTH LIKE SHUSH and I’m pretty sure I would have tried to impale him on that antler chandelier, what nerve to put your hands on someone’s face and tell them to shut up. You are not David Bowie and this is not the video for “China Girl.” Step off. ANYWAY Zoe’s dumb and they kiss. Then Avery comes back.
Oh and later they are all playing cards and Scarlett doesn’t get to play cards. :(
She cuddles in bed with Avery and is very sadface. “I never thought I’d see you guys being friends. I felt like I was behind a glass,” though I feel like she should/could have asked to be dealt in to the game instead of standing there? Avery does not put his hands on her face to physically silence her (like SOME people) but instead tries to teach her how real humans make friends and whatnot. Scarlett really, really needs to read this first entry in “Nashville With Competent Mental Health Professionals.”
Gunnar goes to see Zoe.
“We have to tell Scarlett.” — Gunnar
“Okay, but I, her best friend, will tell her alone.” — Zoe
“Sure, whatever.” — Gunnar
Zoe goes to see Scarlett.
“Gunnar is making friends and I am a sad bunny.” — Scarlett
*hugs* *conflicted face* — Zoe
Later, Avery tries to find Zoe.
“Time to go, where is Zoe?” — Avery (… the least objectionable male lead this episode???)
“I will get her!” — Scarlett
Then she sees mommy kissing Santa Claus. It is a tragedy.