Scattered newspapers reveal headlines like “RAYNA IS BACK” and “LAMAR INDICTED” and we zoom around and realize that Rayna is being interviewed by Robin Roberts. Presumably Robin Roberts was frantically cramming because she has no idea who or what Rayna is, because Robin Roberts has a life. Rayna tries to defend her father. Rayna tries to talk about her label. “Do you have any time for romance?” No romance we’d want to hear about, Robin Roberts.
Post-interview, Rayna tells Scarlett to stop worrying about being a total failure pie. “You’re with me, not with him,” him being the label guy who she is actually legally with, if I’m not mistaken. She’s going to get Scarlett a gig at The Bluebird in front of Nashville tastemakers, she says. (The Scene was not invited.) She’s going to get her booked as an opener for someone, oh, anyone, on tour.
Tandy and Rayna discuss the news reports about the criminal father, like you do. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t take his money?” leads Tandy. Rayna still wants to build her own bidness, though. “If I know one thing about building a business, you have to be passionate,” advises Tandy. The second thing she knows is that you need cash money, and here’s one way to get it: grab that monkey and oil up the organ crank, because these begging bitches are heading to the BELLE MEADE INVITATIONAL POLO MATCH.
And there they are! Big hats beaming like the rising sun, Rayna takes some photos and signs some autographs and tries to sell the idea of Highway 65 to some finely-attired Republican ladies who just wanted to get their drink on and ogle some horsemen. Luke Bryan Luke Wheeler is there, wearing an inappropriate cowboy hat and teasing Rayna about being “fourth-generation Belle Meade.” She makes a grimace face and is like “I hate attending these awesome day drinking polo parties in the glorious sunshine with millionaires. I prefer to slum it in a McMansion like a hundred-thousandaire.”
Just because you’ve carved “INTEGRITY” in your begging bowl doesn’t mean you’re not begging, and Rayna and Tandy try to talk Some Guy Named Bill into giving them some cash for the label. Bill the Rando is simply aghast that Tandy would show her face at such a fancy event (you know this event is fancy because their alcohol is served in real glasses) after their father’s arrest. Since she was his right-hand-(wo)man, she knows all of Lamar’s dirty little secrets, he (correctly) accuses.
The sisters walk and talk a while about Rayna’s myriad hot probs. Wanting to make sure there isn’t another hot prob on her hands, she asks Tandy if there was any truth to That Guy Bill’s accusations. Tandy, in a major tactical error, goes hard defensive immediately. “Of course it’s not true what are you even talking about oh my god hahahaha don’t be crazy that guy is crazy should I set myself on fire right now and I changed my life for your family!” Rayna says she appreciates (actually she said “prish-ee-ates”) it.
Oh and then later Luke Wheeler kisses her and she tries to get Scarlett on tour with him. Get me 500 cc’s of Whatever, stat!
Guess who else got an invite to the FUCKIN’ BELLE MEADE INVITATIONAL POLO MATCH? That’s right, our girl Juliette! She’s happy that rich people are starting to dig her, and shows up only to realize the invitation was sent by none other than hot billionaire Wentworth! I wish I could be objective about this guy but he’s 1. hot and 2. English (if you don’t think I wouldn’t like Gunnar a thousand times more if Sam Palladio used his real voice then you don’t know a thing about me) so I’m going to go ahead and align myself with #TeamWentworth. Oh, shit, but his wife is there, who knew the world of polo had such a seedy underbelly?
Juliette tells Wentworth that she wouldn’t have come if she knew the ticket was from him. Their lives couldn’t be any more different, she exclaims! For one, he’s married. “Things aren’t always what they seem,” vagues Wentworth. Is it some kind of Vita Sackville-West situation? No, that would be far too interesting. There is a HORN BLAST and Juliette says “According to Wikipedia, that horn means the game’s about to start,” because she is the best. They chat again, after the horse exploits. He says he married his wife because they had been dating for so long (uh-huh) and that he plays polo because he likes horses. Kind of like how I like birds so I’m a falconer. He says that the people at the Belle Meade Invitational Polo Match are not his people, either, and it’s like I know he’s trying to be self-deprecating, but no billionaire Englishman thinks a Middle Tennessee millionaire is their equal. Let’s be real.
Wentworth was supposed to give an award, but he is nowhere to be found. He is in the stables. With Juliette. Having sex? No, having a hoedown! There is a guitar in the stables, of course there is, and random ponytail polo bro starts to play and sing. Juliette jumps in and takes over. Another polo fella pops out a harmonica and joins along. Tevye descends from the rafters to sing background. Bert appears, wearing his One-Man-Band getup. The horses look at one another. They nod. Rising upon their hind legs, they whip out assorted brass and woodwind instruments and seamlessly integrate themselves into the stable singalong. This kind of thing happens all the time, here in Nashville.
It’s Unsolicited Advice Time with Rayna! She tells Juliette that Wentworth is a powerful, prominent, married man, and country music’s female fan base don’t take kindly to whoring around with someone else’s husband. It was good advice, kindly meant, but delivered rather insultingly. Juliette says Scarlett will not be joining her on tour, and stomps away. She happens upon Wentworth and Wentworth’s wife yelling at one another. She didn’t want to come. He tells her to “step out of [her] snotty worldview. She smacks him, and says two sentences I hope to be able to say someday: “I’m taking the jet. You can find your own way home.”
Later, at Fancy Hotel, Juliette meets Wentworth in the lobby. She had a good time with him in the Disney Stables earlier, and would like to work with him on the music festival Mayor Teddy has asked her to participate in. He gives her his hotel room key. She goes upstairs, and they have slo-mo backlit bra-on ABC sex. Who walks in, though? The wife. She walks immediately back out, and I swear, her eyes go black like Uncle Charles' (y’all) in that Bone Thugs video.
Deacon’s all piano man again, and the V on his shirt is so deep that it plunked down on the keys. Lawyer Lady Love is there, complimenting his voice. He calls her “tone-deaf.” She tells him to put his balls back in his pants and make himself presentable, because they’re going to the BELLE MEADE INVITATIONAL POLO MATCH. He’s like “I’m a loner Dottie, a rebel” and she accuses him of being a “reverse snob,” which is not a thing.
At the match, Deacon is like “no snails or sushi please” because apparently Deacon is a stand-up comedian performing at Tulsa’s Chuckle Hut on a rainy Thursday in 1982. Sushi? Deacon. Jesus. “Just a cup of black coffee,” Deacon patronizes to the barista, “No foam or nuthin’ funny in there.” “You having a bagel for breakfast? A donut is good enough for me,” he says to a stranger in line at the bakery. “Chicago-style pizza is an ethnic food,” he leaves in a comment on The Daily Caller. ANYWAY he talks to Luke Wheeler about life and regrets and Rayna or whatever.
Deacon, after sharing a hilarious story about how he’s a blackout drunk alcoholic, sees Rayna at the bar. He introduces LLL to Rayna, and that’s pretty much that. Back at home, LLL is like “kewl u saw Rayna huh” and Deacon asks if she is jelly. “Not really, because I am the coooool girlfriend who is not threatened by anything!” The end!
Teddy continues to exist and will shortly marry Peggy.
Zoe, Avery, Gunnar, Scarlett (ZAGS)
Gunnar and Avery are listening to a recording of the song they recorded in Juliette’s studio. Avery sat at the controls and hit all the buttons that said “reverb,” but the fellas agree that it “sounds great.” They talk about how weird it is that they are buddies, and then Scarlett, the answer to the question “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?”, walks through the door. It is at this point I become quite confused as to where they even are. Oh, they’re at Avery’s. Gunnar was just leaving. Why is she there? She wants feels nervous about her performance for the critics and wants to talk about with Avery, who is normal now.
And oh, Avery’s Contrition Tour 2013 is too delicious. Burning his masters? A “rookie move.” He wasn’t “mature enough” to handle what he had. (How old is Avery? Because actor Jonathan Jackson is 31.) He “blew a lot of good things” and if he had it to do over, he’d “do it differently.” Is he talking about his music? Or is he talking about … Scarlett?
Scarlett, obviously. The two adults flirt by playing video games and reminiscing about college. He says she’s come into her own (interesting how she managed to do that as soon as she was free from him holding her down) and finds it “incredibly sexy.” My notes here say GROSS YOU ARE ALL SO GROSS. They kiss. I think her bow is made of green electrical tape. Anyway, they have sex. It’s gross. But at least he has a bed, unlike some Gunnars we all know.
Speaking of Gunnar, Zoey is pretty bummed that she had sex with him. She broke the girl code and feels like “a super-slutty bad friend,” She tells him that Scarlett can NEVER find out. What would an angry Scarlett look like? Would she cry tears of jagged rubies, hot to the touch? Would she unravel her cable knit 3XL cardigan and tie Zoey to the train tracks? Would she use her last memory to make a wish that her oppressors would have a heart?
Scarlett goes to The Bluebird four hours before her show to have a nice freakout. Zoey is there, and Scarlett tells Zoey that she slept with Avery. “No judgment, I get it,” says Zoey, trying to plant the seed for how sometimes things get CRAZY with boys. Exit Scarlett. Enter Avery. “Hey were you just talking to Scarlett does she like me will you ask her please give her this note and ask her to check off Yes No or Maybe, thanks!”
Showtime! Fräulein Scarlett looks good with her hair all did up in braids and a dress that fits. Rayna introduces her to some journalists from USA TODAY and COUNTRY WEEKLY, and Nashville Scene’s own THE SPIN kicks a can outside the door, saying “I didn’t wanna go to your dumb ol' party anyway.” She sings her pretty song, and it is like a chorus of seraphim puppies breathing life into springtime daisies. Naturally, Avery pops a boner. And Zoey has apparently decided that she’s #sorrynotsorry and kisses Gunnar back in the kitchen, or wherever. Cool mistake!
“Like lightning (bugs) in a(n antique medicine) bottle!” declares Avery, human under-eye circle. “Hm maybe we shouldn’t have done the sex,” retorts Scarlett. So few people on this show should ever do the sex, my dear.