I know who you are. I know what you want. I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills — skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a navigator for people like you.
The problem is this: One of the cinematic events of the year arrives this weekend in Nashville. I refer, of course, to the new Rob Zombie joint The Lords of Salem, the writer-director's return to the realm of original epic horror. Trouble is, it opens the same Friday night another major movie event chugs along at full steam at Regal's Green Hills megaplex: the 2013 Nashville Film Festival. What you want to know is: Can I possibly see the only screening of the award-winning Spanish-language shocker Here Comes the Devil at NaFF — and still see The Lords of Salem in its proper witching-hour slot?
I am here to tell you: I believe it can be done.
Here Comes the Devil is at 10 p.m. Friday at Green Hills. It has a running time of 97 minutes, meaning if all goes on schedule, it lets out at 11:37 p.m. That gives you 13 minutes to get to the 11:50 p.m. show of The Lords of Salem at the Regal Hollywood 27. Factor in, oh, five minutes to get to your car and out of the Green Hills parking garage — yikes! You're down to eight minutes! Fear not. It's an 11-minute stretch down Woodmont between Green Hills and the Hollywood 27, so you're really just three minutes off. Get to the 27 at 11:53 p.m., factor in a verrry conservative six minutes of previews, and you might even have time to snag some Sour Patch Kids on the way in.
Cutting it too close, you say? Too many variables, you say? You didn't hear the Bandit whining when it came time to run that Coors to Atlanta. I'll race you and even grant you a 30-second head start. To the swiftest belong the Skittles!