Friday, November 9, 2012

Dude Dos and Don'ts: Fashion Felonies No Guy Should Commit

Posted By on Fri, Nov 9, 2012 at 5:08 AM

I love going into the Scene office each day because you never really know what's going to happen.

There was that day when I fed the Scene staff cake shots made out of hot sauce.

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The day that I was ridiculed for accidentally dressing like an Opryland employee.

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And that time we had Thanksgiving dinner in our parking lot ...

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... And played flippy cup.

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The many, many times we turned the upstairs into a giant dressing room, complete with makeovers for hot Nfocus-ers like Holly Hoffman.

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The day we turned my pet rabbit into a supermodel.

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And the time we tried to chew all of Ellen Nelson's gum.

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There was the day that I wrestled the editor of Nfocus. (No photographic evidence, but I have several witnesses who can attest that it happened.)

Then, there was the day when Scott Hylbert stood outside my cube, and in an unsolicited yet much appreciated manner, started naming all of the things that he hates about the way dudes dress. Naturally, I wrote down everything he said, because it's a well-known fact that Hylbert is one of the best-dressed in the office. Later, Pierce Greenberg (who is now the proud owner of the Supermodel Bunny, by the way) mentioned to me that I should do something instructional, fashion-wise, for men, so I dug around and found Hylbert's list.

So, here it is, verbatim from the man himself. If you find yourself committing any of these fashion crimes, guys, Hylbert and co. will be throwing some major shade in your direction.

Scott Hylbert’s List of Things That Men Should Never, Ever Wear

*Croakies. Only acceptable if you are a professional charter fisherman or if you’re playing racketball and don’t have the proper protection.

*Pocket jeans.

*Why do you need a travel sweatsuit? How comfortable do you need to be? Jeans and a t-shirt are pretty comfortable.

*Flip flops past October.

*A leather jacket and a scarf in a bar? Did you know you’re inside?

*Any kind of item in which your device is hooked on you, including but not limited to Bluetooth.

*Indoor sunglasses? No need to hide your eyes, we can already tell you’re a douche.

*Talking in urinal loudly.

*Toe shoes.

*Male jewelry if you did not win a fucking Superbowl.

*White dress shoes unless you are a pimp (not if you think you are pimp, you must actually be a pimp and you must be able to prove it).

*You don’t need to wear the same outfit as your buddy when you go out after work.

*Frat daddy uniform unless you are currently in a fraternity.

*Stop dressing like a gangster unless you are actually a gangster.

*You don't have to dress like a Billy Reid model because YOU ARE NOT ONE.

*Why do you have a beard?

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