If I told you about the first time I met my wife’s parents, you would enjoy it. Really, you would. I have a brief version that’s great for small talk and a longer, director’s cut version that’s better over dinner. You’d laugh. Perhaps you’d remember a similar experience of your own. Good stuff.
The story of my wife’s first introduction to my parents is shorter, but you’d enjoy that too, I think. My wife has a southern accent with southern manners to match, and she’s impeccably put-together (we have an “opposites attract” thing going on). My parents were sold before either of us could make the pitch. Cute, right?
But if I asked you to sit down and watch a video of either event, you would be looking for something to break within the first minute. These kinds of things can make for interesting enough conversation, but they don’t make for appointment television.
I know because I watched this week’s episode of The Bachelorette, in which Emily traveled to each remaining guy’s hometown. She met their families and saw their homes and I’m sure her friends will love hearing about it one day but it was all very unremarkable to me. So as to avoid boring you to the same degree, we’ll try something new this week. Aiming for the aforementioned threshold for conversation about such events — “interesting enough” — I’ll pass along whatever I remember saying out loud while I watched and then we’ll get out of here.
— One thing does ring true about this part of the show and that’s the fact that a guy’s parents are basically interviewing, and begging if need be, for the position of Parents Who Raised a Son That Has Been Deemed Tolerable by a Real, Live Woman. My parents love me. I have no doubt of that. But when I told them I wanted them to meet a girl that I really thought I could see myself marrying, I’m pretty sure their reaction was something like: “We’re on our way with a ring and a marriage license, don’t blow this. Is this true? Don’t blow this.”
— I’ve never been a huge fan of Chris, but his dad’s Polish accent came close to changing my mind.
— I realized part of the reason I don’t like Chris is that, at 25, he’s only a year older than me in calendar years, but at least 10 older than me in muscle years.
— Chris’s sister asked Emily to end things sooner rather than later if she didn’t see a future with Chris. Remember this.
— What Jef lacks in consonants he makes up for in proficiency with a shotgun.
— “She’s like the coolest girl in the world,” Jef tells his brother. He didn’t say “literally” so who knows if he meant this. Still, I’m dubious.
— Jef reads a touching letter to Emily. Emily says it’s the “sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to her.” If Jef has truly said the “sweetest thing” ever said to “the coolest girl in the world” then he has this thing locked down, am I right?
— It’s really been so great to watch the relationship between Arie and Emily gro...OH MY GOD IT’S TWO-TIME INDY 500 WINNER ARIE LUYENDYK. (Other viewers might have been able to focus during this segment of the show, but it’s all a blur to me. Having grown up in a Hoosier family that lined the driveway with checkered flags every year for the Indy 500, all I did was stare at the racing legend with a mixture of excitement and bitter disappointment that he was appearing on The Bachelorette. The same way I feel every time I remember that Clint Eastwood’s family has their own show on E!.
— Anyone notice how the kissing shots always manage to catch a glimpse of the tongue? This happens often enough that I’m convinced it has to be a direct order from the show’s producers.
— Sean’s dad is hopelessly goofy, but in an endearing goofy dad way.
— Sean still lives at home! Emily is rethinking everything! This has to be a joke. Ah. It’s just a joke.
— More kissing. More tongue.
In the end, Emily sends Chris home. Not surprisingly, he is upset about this. Shocked, even. “So, it was me?” he asks. “No, it wasn’t,” she says. That kind of seems to work for him. Until he gets in the car and declares that he’s “ten times the man” of any of the guys remaining. Similarly, Scar felt that he was ten times the king Mufasa was. But he wasn’t. And that’s why the rest of the pride revolted against him and restored Simba to his rightful place atop Pride Rock. I think you know what I’m trying to say, Chris. It was about you.