Author Event With Chris Black
6-9 p.m. Wednesday, July 22
Wilder, 1212 Fourth Ave. N.
If you're anything like me, you hate jerks. And if you're anything like me, you define a jerk as someone who thinks they're better/smarter/cooler than everybody else. Chris Black has our back, you guys. His book I Know You Think You Know It All
is full of advice for jerks that will stifle their need to dress like Johnny Depp (No. 296 Only Johnny Depp can get away with looking like that) or saying dumb shit (No. 363 Don't ever use the word "curate" when mentioning your social media accounts).
The problem here, though, is that Chris Black is ALSO A JERK! So can a jerk really stop other jerks from being jerky? Because only a BIG JERK would be as bossy as he is in regards to other people's life choices.
He does seem to have a lot of rules. Maybe Rule No. 1 should be "Don't buy advice books." But the event at Wilder
will feature limited-edition T-shirts with a photo of Andy Warhol and Dolly Parton
on it! That's reason enough to go, right? That's basically the best combo of people on a T-shirt since that Gilda Radner/Gene Wilder T I bought in 2003 that's too small for me now.
HE DOESN'T GET TO CO-OPT DOLLY FOR HIS BULLSHIT BOSSY BOOK. Dolly Parton is the most thoughtful, open-minded woman who wants people to live however makes them happy. And here's this douche-bro coming in telling people what kind of car to drive? GROSS. Dolly should sue him.
BUT HATCHBACKS ARE SO DUMB.
I don't think I'd hate his rules as much as I do if they weren't so lazy. He's punching down on the easiest targets. He literally makes fun of rollerbladers and says the Rolling Stones are good. REAL FRESH TAKES, DUDE! It reads like a listicle from a dude who reads the Chive.
I still think the more people yelling about stupid hashtags, stupid reality TV and stupid "alternative" pets, the better. But I'm bossy.