Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Foods Cook Back in Anger: Burger King's Angry Whopper Goes Ballistic on Your Ass
Posted by Jim Ridley on Tue, Jan 13, 2009 at 8:50 AM
People keep asking me if I've tried Burger King's new Angry Whopper, and when I say no, they look puzzled. "You like hot food, don't you?" they say, implying (as Burger King undoubtedly hopes) that if I don't want a bite of BK's latest aorta-busting behemoth, I must need to lay off the crumpets and grow a pair.
You so cannot scare me, Angry Whopper, no matter how hard you try. I resist your campaign of intimidation. Oh, I've seen your type before: the Baconator, the Porkenstein creation from Wendy's that supposedly "can sense fear"; the Hardee's "Burger Slayer" promotion, presumably to be used against a foe such as their 2/3 Pound Monster Thickburger. The idea here is to turn the unhealthiness of fast-food into some kind of up-is-down attribute: "Shoot, boys, this onion rang packs so much lethal, greasy, carb-infested flavor, we're goin' to call it the Widowmaker!"
But the Angry Whopper doesn't just mean to shame you into consuming it. This thing is an active agent of social discord. First came the commercial where some pesticide-crazed hillbilly lays the groundwork for a man-vs.-vegetable intifada, zapping an onion with a cattle prod and pelting it with pepper. Not satisfied, BK followed this glimpse of agricultural Gitmo with a promotion that urged people to dump 10 Facebook friends in exchange for--what? Wealth? Eternal life? A night with Sigourney Weaver and a spritzer of olive oil? Nope: one measly Angry Whopper. How'd you like to be one of the BFFs getting the boot? "Sorry to betray you, Jesus--but you'd understand if you tasted that extreme flavor combo of jalapeno pepper, pepper jack cheese and Angry Sauce."
But Burger King won't settle for wrecking a few acquaintances. Their crowning touch is the Angry-Gram--a feature on their site that lets you flame the loser of your choice, with help from you-know-what. "An Angry-Gram is the perfect way to let someone know they annoy the hell outta you," reads the site, which urges you to tell BK "who they are and what they do that drives you up the wall." That person will then open their mailbox, only to be subjected to an apoplectic rant from an irate animated hamburger.
Here's the form:
"Dear _________,
"I've had it up to here with you.
Your ______ drives me into a conniption.
And I'm so fed up with your ________.
How about when you _______? What a loser.
You make me wanna go ballistic.
Yours angrily,
_______."
Say, this could be sort of useful to send a message you're uncomfortable about delivering in person. These were the words I filled in:
Nana
liver cancer
unreasonable demands for treatment
plead for death to take you swiftly
Jim's brother
Sorry, Grandma--and thanks, Burger King. But I'm keeping an eye on you, Angry Whopper. I know you for what you are. In the Gotham City of fast food, you're skulking around in a nurse's outfit, pawing at a detonator and awaiting your chance to blow up Maggie Gyllenhaal.
Comments (24)
Showing 1-24 of 24
What a fantastic post to get my day started. I must now waste time sending the link to all my non-Bites friends.
Again I say: Mr. Pink, you are a literary genius.
like
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I want to try an angry whopper but my digestive tract is gonna make me pay! I LOVE pickled jalepinos but my co-workers don't love me after eating them. I haven't even managed a volcano taco yet!
Hell no. If I'm going to expend those carbs and calories, and cauterize my colon in the process, I'll take the hot breast sandwich at Prince's, thanks. The best spicy-hot food, like a genuinely great lover, does not announce itself. Besides, the desperation of that ad campaign just douses the burger in flop sweat.
I'll admit that I am curious, though. And at least BK's fighting the reigning blandness of fast food (including its own).
C'mon. What if you and Jack (or one of the other crazies over there) grab a handheld and head over to the BK and get one and you take the Angry Whopper down, tell it who's boss, make a fool of it and the entire BK organization, and it's all on film. Imagine it! But wait, what if you eat it in front of the Election Commission building on Second Ave! In fornt of the voters! Up on you tube, then Bites, then BuzzFeed. "Nashville Alt Weekly scribe slaps the Angy Whopper around in English Only Protest (or atleast it seems that way, as no one has any idea why he decided to eat it there." Awesome.
Besides, the desperation of that ad campaign just douses the burger in flop sweat.
That was precisely my thought. How good can it be when the company couldn't turn out a better message than that? Plus, it reminded me of those rednecks who beat their pit bulls to make them mean. Too much cinema verite there for this redneck.
Are you crazy? I've got a restraining order against that abusive burger as it stands. The last thing I want to do is inflame its rhetoric.
But I double-dog dare ya to send Eric Crafton an Angry-Gram.
In the name of all things spicy, I am insulted at the thought of an onion ring somehow being enough to add heat to a burger. You can already add jalapenos for nothing - no cost at most places, no fat, no calories, no carbs - and go as far as you want on your personal scorchmeter. But adding a breaded, fried vegetable that of itself adds no heat unless it's hidden in that fried donut its buried in, along with, ooh, scary pepper jack cheese, is just oddly lame. And ten bucks says the 'angry sauce' is a paper bucket of durkee's heartburn-inducing tabasco replacement.
Pink - I love you like a brother I've never met, but you have to trust me on this: for the extreme in extra hot experiences, the leg at Prince's is the only way to go - there is no relief anywhere from the heat and the dark meat is just an unbelievable magic with all that flavor. The breast is too thick and has too many pockets of, well, just breast.
Aw, thanks, S L. I'm sure you're right, but I've never developed a taste for dark meat, and extra hot would crumple me like last September's maple leaf in the palm of Mike Tyson's hand. Hot is as far as I dare. Maybe we'll go together sometime and I can try yours.
This just in from the folks at Krystal (Don't know if they were replying to Mr. Pink's brilliant post, or if the timing is coincidence):
"The new Franklin, TN Krystal located at
1412 Murfreesboro Rd, is hosting a free menu tasting event this Saturday from 1p-4p. The event is a great chance to sample the Krystal menu from the new Spicy Southern Chik and new Fiesta Waffle Fries to the expanded line on beverage drinks including icy slush Freezes and real ice cream MilkQuakes. Best part about it is you don't have to defriend 10 people to receive something free--you just show up."
@carrington -- definitely just timing but we hope Mr. Pink stops by to try the Spicy Southern Chik (here's vid re: making of it http://tiny.cc/waXe2. Its spicy, but not to hot and the fiesta waffle fries, which will be avail for free too, complement the the flavor nicely.
Mr. Pink - While I firmly believe there is no way Prince's stays in your system long enough to actually be a factor of diet, I have to acknowledge that I am working too hard elsewhere in the name of physical fitness to risk aberration, so it is sadly out of my rotation at the moment. Once it is back in, you're on.
I'm going to fess up, I really enjoy a Burger King whopper with ketchup only. It's a good, simple burger that hits the spot. Also, I like their marketing. If you ever go into a BK, pickup a BK Crown and read the rules on the back of it. Very funny stuff, even for adults.
For those who like a little heat in their home cooked burgers, may I suggest adding diced habanero peppers to your beef prior to grilling. Pepper grills very well in the beef, doesn't get too hot and adds a good flavor to the burger. You can also add bits of bacon for an extra flavor burst.
While I haven't been to a BK in forever, I will say that in the neighborhood where I grew up in New Jersey, the only fast food restaurant we had was a BK. The drugheads hung out in the parking lot in the back. I think that's what we called them, I forget, maybe it was potheads...either way, they were too high to be counted on to represent the Heights if the punks from the Marion or West Side neighborhoods showed up. Anyway, in those days, I acquired a taste for the Whopper Junior. I hadn't thought about it in awhile, but now I'm thinking of grabbing one on the way home. Do you think the ad pros who came up with the Angy Whopper were thinking "maybe some Nashville alt-weekly scribe with a penchant for the spicy side of things will write a brilliant post about us, leading people to not eat the burger, but rekindle fond memories of druggie-addled BKs in the Northeast that will eventually lead to the purchase of a Whopper Junior?"
Pink, this ain't one of those pay-for-posts blogs is it?
Any so-called "hot" sandwich I have ever tried at a major fast food chain was never actually hot. Don't know if they are scared of lawsuits or what, but they are always dissapointing. The closest I have ever tried to actual "hot" was the Jalapeno Thickburger at Hardee's.
Someone needs to grow a pair and put out a truly hot sandwich.
Pink, this ain't one of those pay-for-posts blogs is it?
This one post was strictly pro bono.
Milty: I think "hot" is one of those items that will remain strictly lowest common denominator until the rest of the populace conditions its taste buds. The good news is, I think consumers are getting more comfortable with hot food. Ten years ago you wouldn't have seen Tabasco much as an table condiment, especially at breakfast places, and now it's pretty common. (I prefer Louisiana Gold, but that's an argument for another post.) Surely the influx of immigrant populations has something to do with this.
If the increasing prevelance of hot sauces and hotter tastes were due to immigrants, according to a certain councilman who will remain nameless in his endless journey riding the short bus, that would mean your preferred condiment would actually be Louisiana Oro...
Personally, I suspect it has more to do with a Sysco sales promotion 10 years ago that someone never got enough credit for. It is also a very cheap mask for otherwise dull food, and makes people think they're eating something hip and trendy when they botch the word "chipotle". (As if chipotle ever scorched anyone...)
I've had chipotle peppers that damn near took the top of my head off. Gotta watch them seeds.
Mr. Pink - That's because when YOU eat chipotle peppers, you really eat a chipotle pepper. But so much of what is labeled 'chipotle', at least in my paltry experience, is really just an item wearing a slight camouflage of adobo sauce, which they somehow thinks makes it chipotle and all that chipotle represents.
seeds, of course, are the heart of all things capsecin. I've had over-ripe red jalapenos take my head off by being too cavalier about their status. Just another reason to keep the gloves handy when chopping those things up, mon ami.
but I digress, as usual...
Right you are about the gloves. Suffice to say that habaneros and swimsuit itch do not mix.
Not me. I applaud Krystal's for their upgrade on the shakes, but the last time I got a K-burger was pretty much the last time I'm getting a K-burger. They're still better than White Castle, though--that gray meat with the liverish taste might cure me of a hangover, but in the most violent possible way.
