Thursday, February 14, 2008

My Cruddy Valentine

Posted By on Thu, Feb 14, 2008 at 3:07 PM

In honor of Valentine's Day, we at Bites thought we would liven your otherwise humdrum lives with some heartwarming holiday memories. We asked people to send us their tales of sweeping romantic gestures, thoughtful gifts and sumptuous foodstuffs. Instead, this is what we got:

"My now ex-husband—who is a friend—is bright, but not too sensitive...We were engaged, and he obviously wasn't familiar with Valentine's. My sister ran into him towards the end of the day and asked if he had gotten me something. He said no—wasn't necessary. She plead with him a bit and said, 'Well, at least get her some flowers or something. Acknowledge the day in some way.' So, the thoughtful fellow stopped to pick up a little something for me....

"A fern. A cute little fern that the cat ate and threw up all over the rug. I think that's my only Valentine's experience—thus it's the best and worst. And it was certainly fast food for the cat."

Surely they get better, right? (Cue chirping of crickets) Right?

After the jump.


"In what could be an outtake from a John Hughes film, my best guy friend gave me a secret-admirer Valentine, leaving my hormone-addled 11-year-old brain to wonder if every boy in school—most of whom emotionally abused me on a daily basis—was secretly in love with me. When I finally asked a 13-year-old, who played in band with me if he had sent the Valentine, he exploded in laughter and said, for the whole band to hear, 'No, you loser! When I act like I hate you, it's because I actually hate you.'

"Just to recap, he played clarinet. I played saxophone. So you decide who was really the loser."

Yikes. Next:

"When I was 15, my boyfriend, who had moved to Massachusetts, sent me a bouquet of flowers with a stuffed teddy bear. However, we weren't home when the flowers were delivered so my dog got ahold of them first. He completely destroyed the teddy bear—stuffing was all over the front porch and he ate most of the flowers. My mom was so pissed that she called the flower company and demanded that they deliver a new bouquet the next day."

Oh dear god. Next:

"When I was a freshman in high school I went to dinner with a boy named Ted from my school. He ordered a steak, I ordered a spinach salad. Apparently he had never seen spinach before because he asked the server to please remove the leaves from my plate. We went back to his house and played pick up sticks. His grandfather told me I shouldn't ever visit a young man's house because I could get a bad reputation. I never answered Ted's calls again. I later discovered he was raised by his grandparents

and rarely saw the sunlight."

And finally:

"In fifth grade, a painfully shy boy named Isaac professed his love by giving me a Hershey's Kiss the size of my head. My teacher refused to let me keep it on top of my desk—that reflective silver wrapper was damn near blinding. So I tossed it in my backpack and prayed that it wouldn't melt on the walk home, during which I rewarded Isaac's courage by letting him hold my hand for exactly one block. The instant my mother caught a glimpse of the big Kiss, in an atypical Mommie Dearest moment, she said I could take one big bite before she threw it away. 'It's too much chocolate for one girl,' she said. I glared at her and took the most monster chomp I could.

"To this day, I haven't forgiven her. And I'm still not convinced that there is such a thing as too much chocolate for one girl."

Happy Valentine's Day.

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