You Are So Nashville If
We’ve culled and considered, sorted and guffawed, rolled our eyes and nearly choked on our cherry Cokes.
And now, Nashville, the results are in. For the 19th straight year, you have told us what kind of city this is. A city where English is the native tongue, not that you can always recognize it. A city where strip clubs and churches rub shoulders and whatnot, and you can find ’em both if you turn left at Shoney’s. A city where the yellow light means go, and the red light means go faster.
And how do we know this? Because for the 19th straight year, you took the time to complete this sentence: “You are so Nashville if….”
There were some 1,300 entries to our 19th Annual You Are So Nashville If… contest. For nearly four hours, the Scene’s Committee of Insiders painstakingly considered each entry, counted votes, tittered and howled, mocked and ridiculed. Many of them now lie on the cutting-room floor, deservedly. But we also got no small number of genius one-liners—utter gems that inspired us to chortle, snigger and belly laugh like children. When the smoke cleared, most of us agreed this may be the best batch of YASNIs in years. Sharper. Meaner. Funnier.
As always, we considered the entries blindly, judging without fear or favor, and only saw the contributors’ names once the winners were decided. For your reading pleasure, we have grouped the entries into several categories: winners, honorable mentions and those that got sufficient votes to appear in the paper. We also ran across a fair share of what we call Weirdies—entries that are notable for no other reason than they make no sense at all.
Finally, maybe it’s the war or the rising price of gas, but we also noticed that many YASNI contributors were in a dark mood this year. They tried to find gallows humor in subjects that are simply too grim for mirth-making—sometimes getting howls of laughter, sometimes only stunned silence. But you know what? Even that is so Nashville.
And now, the winners:
Sculpture by Liz Lomax
FIRST
You saw Kenny Chesney in a Kroger reading Out & About.
—Michael Williams
illustration: Dan Brawner
SECOND
You accuse Al Gore of hypocrisy for exhaling carbon dioxide. —James H. Williams
illustration: Dan Brawner
THIRD
You’re bummed out by the fact that you won’t be able to smoke at your workplace, which sucks because you’re a topless dancer with a serious meth habit. —Dave Weil
And the rest...
You’ve loyally gone to Steeplechase for the last 25 years and have never watched a horse race. —Adam Dread
Pacman Jones has spit on you. —Alex Daugherty
You’ve mispronounced both Sommet and Schermerhorn, but know exactly how to pronounce Demonbreun and Kalodimos. —Alex Daugherty
You think Paris Hilton deserves to go to jail, but Pacman Jones was unfairly punished. —Alex Daugherty
You want all the illegals deported just as soon as they finish building your new home. —Brian Keen
You ask to get comped to a charity concert. —Charles Alexander
You want English as the official language of Metro but you can’t spell statute. —Charles Alexander
What you’re sayin’ ain’t hittin’ on nothin’ for Sen. Ford. —Chris Dauphin
You were amazed that someone could actually give your arena a worse name than Gaylord. —Chris Hudson
You saw that Ted Nugent was booked at the Ryman and wondered just what the hell that place is supposed to be the Mother Church of now. —Chris Hudson
You’ve been purged from Buddytown. —Christy Frink
You get your financial advice from Dave Ramsey, your political advice from Phil Valentine, and your legal advice from Adam Dread. —Clifton Kaiser
You can no longer wear a tube top to court. —Clifton Kaiser
You’ve had to call the police about Ophelia Ford. —Clifton Kaiser
All you did was walk by the Sommet Center recently, and David Poile tried to trade you. —Clifton Kaiser
You love going to dance parties but love trashing them on Nashville Cream even more. —Courtney Wilder
You miss the days when crazy shouting guy was known as happy walking guy. —Dan McNamara
You’re an overpriced, speculative, cutting-edge, under-construction, high-rise condominium project. —Dan McNamara
Your church has pyrotechnics. —Dan McNamara
You want to use the state surplus to send GooGoo clusters to Iraq. —Dave Weil
You’re glad that the Signature Tower is shaped like a penis instead of an unusual sexual device like the Bat Building. —Dave Weil
You’re arrested for trying to bomb the NES mosque on Church Street. —Dave Weil
Emmylou Harris made you adopt a rescue puppy just to sing on your next album. —Dave Weil
You hear one state trooper tell another, “Bang ’em, Danno.” —Dave Weil
You wonder why West Nashville is south of East Nashville. —Dave Weil
You think this year’s cold snap was a liberal plot. —Dave Weil
Your neighbor tells you he “Jewed ’em down” to get a good deal. —David Friedlander
You wear a Medic Alert bracelet that says, “Don’t take me to General!” —Dusty Brown
You are concerned about a shoplifter running for councilman at large yet you send donations to evangelists who commit adultery and embezzle money. —Elaine Hackerman
You know more members of the band, than members of the audience. —Fred Ramos
You’ve considered spending your vacation at Dental Bliss. —G. Teeple
You remember when your choices were a Boner or a Hooker. —Gary Wayne Davis
You remember when you could just say something, and no one would write a song about it. —Gary Wayne Davis
You watch reruns of Metro Council meetings...whenever you run out of Valium. —Glenn Halliday
You’re totally offended at the mention of a holiday tree because it undermines Christianity, but you think that building a theme park around the New Testament is a great idea. —Hallie Stem
You think Mary Winkler should go free but you want the teachers at Scales Elementary executed without trial. —Hallie Stem
You’re upset that the Predators may leave town, yet you’ve never purchased a ticket. —Harold Hornberger
You blame Barry Gibb for Johnny Cash’s house burning down. —Harold Hornberger
You worry about where Poison was going to play now that Starwood is closed. —Heather Hicks
You live in Music City, yet have to drive to Manchester to see a decent summer concert. —Ilissa Gold
You were OUTRAGED that Carrie Underwood beat you at the CMAs. —Ilissa Gold
You go to a popular Japanese hibachi restaurant, and your chef, your waiter and most of the staff are Mexican. —Ilissa Gold
You have no problem with the Iraq war, yet think The Things They Carried is too graphic to be on a high school reading list. —Ilissa Gold
You think Faith Hill was just being playful. —Jack Shell
You pick out your realtor by their Glamour Shot. —Janet Naff
You can’t tell the difference between Brad Schmitt and Joe Dubin. —Janet Naff
You don’t own enough black clothing to attend the Nashville Film Festival. —Janet Naff
You realize that all newspaper online comments are written by the same 12 friendless shut-ins. —Janet Naff
You complain about Kroger carrying that immoral sex rag Out & About as you pick up your copy of Cosmo, Maxim and The Inquirer. —Jay Phelps
You think Pacman is ruining strip clubs for everyone. —Jay Phelps
You thought Flugtag was the new conductor of the Nashville Symphony. —Jay Phelps
Your favorite church is on Gay Street, and your favorite bar is on Church Street. —Jeffrey Dean
You care more about the Titans’ record than whether or not the players have one. —Jennifer Castleman
You believe Beverly Keel is an investigative reporter. —Jim Kennedy
English is you second language! —Joe Hooper
You tell people you work for McGraw-Hill and they ask what Tim and Faith are really like. —Joe Morris and Sarah Kaufman
You live in East Nashville, work in East Nashville and go to bars in East Nashville, but you buy groceries in Green Hills. —Joe Robertson
Pacman is an Inconvenient Truth. —John Danley
You know Demetria’s wardrobe is provided by the French Shoppe. —John Prentiss
You “blog” instead of work. —Kaiser Sosai
You’re 100 pounds overweight and you think tank tops and spandex are appropriate street attire. —Karen Hitt
You think Pacman needs your prayers. —Ken Lass
You want Fred Thompson to run for president even though you don’t know his stand on issues. —Ken Lass
You think Melinda Doolittle is too good for American Idol. —Ken Lass
A corner of your driver’s license is cut off because you needed an emergency guitar pick. —Kristen Colby
You’re no longer fascinated by the little person at the corner of Wedgewood and 12th. —Larry Mell Morgan Jr.
The Music City Marathon is still on your “to do” list. —Leslie Hackett
You had to Google Luis Palau. —Leslie Hackett
You co-wrote your You Are So Nashville If entry. —Libby Weaver
Your LASIK eye surgeon is also your dance instructor. —Lola and Suzanne Austin
You’ve moved here twice in the last year. —Marci Shore and John Hill
Your trailer park has a historic zoning overlay. —Mark Mott
You always knew it was Mr. March, in the kitchen, with the wrench. —Mark Mott
Your band has been together longer than The Beatles but has never been reviewed in your home town. —Mark Shenkel
You get shhhhh-ed standing outside of The Bluebird Cafe. —Mary Sack
You have lived here five years and still cannot correctly pronounce Lebanon, Demonbreun or Kalodimos. —Matt Clott
You were too cool to go to the secret White Stripes show. —Melissa Reinke
You plan on voting for Bob Clement for mayor and you don’t know why. —Melissa Reinke
Every cable in your house is rolled over under. —Melissa Reinke
You want anyone but Bob Clement for mayor, but you’re not sure why. —Melissa Reinke
Every time there is an execution, you get pizza. —Michael Williams
You made the “Suspect Behavior” section of the Scene. —Michael Williams
You were thrown off an airplane for farting. —Michael Williams
You’ve been shot by Billy Joe Shaver. —Michael Williams
Your wife wants to know what Thong Girl was doing in your office. —Michael Williams
You think global warming is caused by Al Gore’s heating bill. —Michael Williams
Your sausage sells better than your records. —Michael Williams
You had an affair with Keith Urban and no one cared. —Michael Williams
Your law firm specializes in dead cats. —Michael Williams
You don’t know who Karl Dean is. —Michael Williams
Your child’s day care keeps asking for Sudafed donations. —Michael Williams
You start a church to get back at the church that fired you. —Michael Williams
Troy Gentry gave you a bearskin rug for Christmas. —Michael Williams
You can’t decide if you’re pro-family or anti-gay. —Michael Williams
You wonder if Buck Dozier had to dress up to spend the night as a homeless person. —Michael Williams
You received course credit for hitting the bong with Constance Gee. —Michael Williams
You take the Music City Star to go to the Schermerhorn. —Michael Williams
It’s okay for you to take advantage of illegal Mexicans because you’re Hispanic. —Michael Williams
You saw Snowbird in Happy Feet. —Michael Williams
Russell Farris snitched on you.
—Michael Williams
You got a really good deal on an original Georgia O’Keefe painting on eBay. —Michael Williams
Eras un Mexicano ilegal antes de que el Mexicano ilegal estuviera fresco. (You were an illegal Mexican before being an illegal Mexican was cool.) —Michael Williams
You believe Bart Durham’s office should stick to law, not acting.
—Michele Totty
You begin smoking to help Tennessee schools. —Michele Totty
You think they should ask for a recount on Gore’s Oscar. —Michele Totty
You put your foot in someone else’s mouth. (Albert Haynesworth)
—Michele Totty
You’re a nativist and damn proud of it. —Michele Totty
You drive your dog to the dog park for a walk. —Michele Totty
You want to send the Mexicans back except the one that does the hot chicken on Nolensville Road and Thompson Lane. —Mike Lewis
You think a needle exchange is a kind of sewing circle. —Nate Cougill
You have taken sides in the Bang Bang Bang/Falls City Angels feud. —Page Carpenter
You searched eBay for a pair of shoes like Mary Winkler’s. —Patten Fuqua
You’d gladly trade Pacman for Inky, Blinky, Pinky or Clyde. —Philip F. Newman
Tu puedes leer esto. —Renee Kasman
In deciding on a family vacation, you’re struggling between Europe and Cooter’s Dukes of Hazzard reunion weekend. —Rob Moore
You know the name of LeAnn Rimes’ husband. —Rob Pilling
You open a music venue and spend all your money on the menu and decor because you know you won’t have to pay the performers. —Roger Spencer
You really want to punch that Carnival Kia guy. —Ron Seay
You think Pacman looks taller on TV. —Ron Seay
You have never heard of, let alone read, Out & About but feel safer knowing Kroger has banned it. —S.L. McCall
You go to Schermerhorn to hear someone play the ukulele. —Sara Lynes
You score advanced on a metro reading test but fail a national one. —Sara Lynes
You’re disappointed that Nashville’s cases of gonorrhea and syphilis are decreasing. You’d like to see us rank higher in something. —Stacy Harris
Snowbird is in your Top 8 on MySpace. —Stephen W. Phillips
You wonder why Israel was bombing Lebanon since they have so many good factory outlets. —Stephen W. Phillips
You tuned in to Channel 5 news on Saturday mornings just to watch for the Trickett Honda commercials to see if Woody or Louis would once again pee on a car tire on live TV. —Steve Johnson
You’ve lived here for 20 years and you’ve still never been to the Grand Ole Opry. —Steve Parsons
You think Arthur Branch would be a great president. —Suzanne Little
You go to the movies and church at the same place. —Suzanne Little
Your dad bought you a condo at the Bristol on Broadway. —Tom Campion
You drive two miles to your health club so that you can walk two miles on the treadmill. —Tom Lanham
You refer to Vanderbilt’s student body as “Republicans who tolerate rap music.” —Wando Weaver
You don’t use public transportation. —Wando Weaver
You know that Antioch is really an upscale housing project. —Wando Weaver
The news of your divorce makes the front page of The Tennessean. —Wando Weaver
Your local news channel makes a moral decision to run episodes of The 700 Club before Ellen. —Wando Weaver
|
---------------------------Advertisement---------------------------
|
|
---------------------------Advertisement---------------------------
|