Fall Guide
A female friend, who happens to be quite fetching, once said to us: “I like a guy in clothes that are kinda tight. You know…tight clothes look a little uncomfortable—like he might need some help getting out of them.” She didn’t mean she wanted a guy who looked like he was wearing a layer of paint, just that “relaxed fit” was a little too relaxed for her. “Who wants to get it on with a guy who looks like he’s just waiting for his cheeseburger in paradise?” is how she put it.
What this means, of course, is that women do care about how their men look. Perhaps not as much or as obsessively as men care about how women look—but they do care. And what that means, fellows, is that you need to step up your game.
Of course, before you can change, you need to admit that you need to change. Your clothes, that is. So, let’s get over this idea that dudes are dudes and that it is not dudely to think about the clothes you wear. See, guys who cultivate an air of slovenly nonchalance actually put thought into looking like they don’t put any thought into how they dress.
That said, thinking about what you wear doesn’t make you less of a man. It shows that—given that your date probably put some effort into looking nice for you—you’re going to reciprocate in other ways, see? (Perhaps we need a new definition for “Southern gentleman.”)
We don’t have the fabled “queer eye” for you straight guys—we’re incorrigible heteros, the lot of us—but we do have a few ideas.
The Keys to Success:
a) well-built drawers
b) better sweater
c) nice set of rims
d) Dean. James Dean.
e) ass-enhancing denim
f) clean kicks
So, you’ve got an ass, right?
Right?
We know, a lot of you think you don’t have an ass, given that it’s
nothing like our asses—at least in the sense that your asses aren’t
constantly expanding. Still, we think you know that we know that you
have an abbreviated version of an ass, and we think you know that we
are and like to be made aware of its presence. And that we think the
most logically inoffensive way you should do this is with good jeans.
Women notice and discuss your ass and jeans the same way we might
discuss the way you, say, heroically fixed that power steering noise
thing in our car with quiet self-assurance. So the thing is, don’t wear
stonewashed jeans again. Ever. At least, not if you ever want to have
serious sex. A good general rule is that the jeans should 1) be dark,
and 2) make your ass look good. The only exception to dark jeans is if
the jeans are well worn and are light by virtue of experience. Like, if
you’re a metal dude, fine. That we can forgive. But if you can tackle
those two issues—dark, good-ass-fitting—in one pair of pants, buy every
single pair you can get your confused little man-hands on. Classic fits
are good—Levi’s are good. Relaxed fit is not. Anything that screams,
“Hi, I’m a dad!” is not. They should not be high-waisted. Or tapered.
That’s weird. Look in magazines. Find a dude that you could imagine
women (not you, God forbid) finding attractive. Look at his jeans. They
are not stonewashed.
Are you gross?
It’s
weird how women spend, like, billions of dollars buying sexy lingerie
and fretting over whether it makes their body look weird or hot, and
how dudes feel totally fine about stripping down to underwear that
looks like a dog’s chew toy. Basically, it’s like the jeans thing. Look
in a magazine at an ad for underwear featuring a dude that people
probably think is hot. He’ll be wearing boxer briefs, and they will
only be white boxer briefs if the guy is really buff and tan. So, if
you’re not buff or tan, just get some black boxer briefs. Did you know
the color black has a slimming effect? Of course you didn’t. Did you
know black isn’t even really a color? Never mind, look—tighty whities
are gross and dad-core. Boxers are OK, but kind of sloppy now, so if
you’re going to wear them, they’re going to need to be less than a
thousand years old for one. And in good colors. Like, not turquoise.
Earth tones. No weird patterns, unless you’re gross and/or 14. Boxer
briefs are pretty much your only option. You’re just gonna have to buck
up on this one and take one for the team.
Toe tappers
On
their song “Collarbone,” Fujiya & Miyagi put it as simply as it
needs to be put: “Got to get a new pair of shoes / to kick it with her,
not kick it with you.” Boys, if you’re getting tired of playing Halo
with your bros and would like some female attention, direct your eyes
toward the floor and consider those dirty dogs you’ve been dragging
around. It’s not that you need to buy some fancy $200 Italian leather
oxfords or boutique-only futuristic hybrids. Just some clean
vintage-style sneakers will do. The emphasis here is on “clean.” A pair
or two of classic Saucony Jazz is affordable. Then you can move on to a
more advanced skill: color coordination.
Sweater etiquette
Ah,
sweater weather. (Not the ’90s indie band Sweater Weather.) Sweaters
are a guy’s chance to…well, unfortunately, for many guys, they’re a
chance to look like grandpa. Or worse, some guys end up wearing
something that looks, literally, like a sack of shit. We’re talking
about baggy, frumpy, dumpy stuff that’s about as flattering as
sackcloth. A more fitted, classic silhouette is a good idea here, too.
You don’t have to look just like Buddy Holly, but if you don’t want a
girl to destroy your sweater, pay attention to the shape (think sleek),
the drape (think straight lines, not droopy folds) and remember—don’t
get stuck on planet earth tones.
Get a haircut, you piece of shit
It’s
really quite simple: make an appointment, sit in the chair, take the
nice lady’s (or dude’s) advice and watch as the magical, mystical
phenomenon that is a decent hair cut makes you infinitely more
attractive. (Oh, and we’re talking salon here, not the $7
back-to-school special at Supercuts—a bad haircut is worse than no
haircut at all.) No need to go overboard—not everyone can pull off the
rock ’n’ roll mullet, and if there’s any potential you could be
mistaken for a member of AFI, run for the hills—but a simple,
well-executed cut will do wonders. If the whole process seems
intimidating or a little too metro, we say grow some damn balls. Still
chaffing at that $35 tab? Just try to think of it as a handful of
Jägerbombs, and with your new and improved look, ladies will be
clamoring to buy those for you anyway.
James Dean was doing something right
Think
of those iconic male hunks, lingering symbols of smoldering sex appeal.
Pick your poison: James Dean, Brad Pitt, Cary Grant. Now picture any of
those men in an ill-fitting, bell-sleeved beefy T they got free when
they signed up for a Southwest Airlines Visa. Not quite the same, is
it? Ah, the well-fitting T-shirt. Is there any greater sight on the
male frame? Decades after James Dean brought the undershirt into the
sun, it is still hard to beat the plain, white T. These days there are
plenty of places to buy those cotton essentials that pull taught across
your pecs just so. You might be paying $15 as opposed to $5 for three,
but these small details can make all the difference. American Apparel
does an excellent white T—and sexy ones in all different colors too.
Lastly: a V-neck never hurt anybody.
I hate your face
If
something is going on your face, that means it will be the first thing
people see—women actually start up there, pervs. Glasses, shades and
facial hair are all vitally important. Glasses in particular say a lot
about who you are: arty sensitive guy, brainy accountant, perv—so make
a good choice and bring along a friend to offer advice. There is also
nothing cooler than a great pair of vintage shades. If your sunglasses
look like something your father would even consider golfing in, smash
those bastards. In these modern times, anything resembling a goatee is
a hell-no. A light scruff, or even a cropped beard, is an excellent
choice—and win-win for all you lazy bastards out there. Ironically,
smooching someone with a couple days stubble can sometimes beat the
fresh shave—that sandpaper disaster can result in one nasty case of
pash rash.
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