Boner Awards 2007

by the Committee of Inbreds

Named for former Nashville Mayor Bill Boner, who set a high bar for low deeds during Music City’s dark days of the late ’80s, the Boner Awards have taken on a life of their own over almost two decades. That’s because greed, bad judgment and epic bungling never go away, despite our fondest hopes. Looking back over this year’s rancid harvest of goofs, gaffes and grotesqueries, one thing is clear: Boners are a renewable resource.

And here they come now. Rise and salute them, with however many fingers you find appropriate. We know for a fact, ladies and gentlemen, these Boners will stand.

Pac on the Chain GangTitans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones would have led the NFL this year, if stepping on your dick counted toward yardage. Flaunting an appetite for destruction as insatiable as his dot-gobbling namesake, Pacman became 2007’s poster boy for the declining morals of pro sports figures with a steady string of police beefs and blunders. As the masterwork (so far) in his outlaw oeuvre, Jones was at the center of a melee last February involving a Las Vegas strip club with $80,000 in cash flying around the stage, which resulted in three shootings and the paralysis of a security guard. After Jones and his companions started “making it rain” by showering bills from a bag, they attempted to stop dancers from picking up the money, explaining later that it was only intended as a “prop.” Police have still not determined who fired the shot that left the security guard paralyzed. But while attempting to keep a low profile after the incident, Jones managed to be charged with possession of marijuana in Georgia. The Nashville pastor who started a “Pac Man Fan Club” to “salvage him” would have an easier time making Ted Nugent a vegan.

A BONER IN EVERY POT

Even without 2007’s municipal casebook in electile dysfunction, our public officials both past and present apparently took a pledge of allegiance to the Boners this year. And oh God, did they ever serve. Some lowlights:

Mr. Smashed Goes to WatertownState Rep. Rob Briley’s shenanigans rival those of the namesake of these awards. He rear-ended a truck with his SUV, then led police on a 100-mph chase through Watertown. After he finally stopped, he took a final swig of bourbon as officers approached with guns drawn. The police video, widely viewed on YouTube, shows Briley on his knees, crying and screeching as he’s handcuffed. Later, he checked himself out of rehab, rented a red Mustang and left the city worrying over his whereabouts while he went gambling in Tunica, Miss. When he finally returned to Legislative Plaza, he played the misunderstood victim in interviews, claiming he cracked up because he suddenly remembered that he had been abused as a child. Dude, tell it to Oprah. Briley’s words to live by: “I may have come in smelling like alcohol at times but was never intoxicated while I was here [at the legislature] or I never consumed alcohol here.” Spoken like a true Boner.

I’d Rather Push, Pull or Drag a Ford...Extending what has become a true Boner dynasty, state Sen. Ophelia Ford joined the top ranks of legislative goofballs with her absolutely bizarre three-minute rant against Ramtha knows what during a committee session. That was followed shortly thereafter by her fall from a bar stool while appearing to be intoxicated, followed shortly thereafter by a cab driver’s accusation that she ripped a button off his shirt while he was driving her to her hotel. Ford, a Memphis Democrat, later claimed she had multiple strokes during the legislative session, which she says explains her weird behavior—but she’s all better now. “Girl, I got so much strength in my legs it’s just amazing, amazing,” she told a Memphis TV station. “I prayed to the Lord about it. God, what’s happening you know. I can stomp around, girl.” Even with both feet in her mouth.