Boner Awards
1. The Davidson County Democratic Party was back in the spotlight this year when:
a) members mounted a strong opposition to the Iraqi occupation.
b) a field of promising candidates emerged at the local level.
c) liberal legislators voiced their objections to proposed TennCare cuts.
d) leader Rodney Mullins was busted for possession of kiddie porn.
2. In March, Chris Ruleman, midday host for the Christian radio station 94FM The Fish, was accused of downloading child pornography from the Internet onto his home computer. Several news stories pointed out the inescapable irony of The Fish’s motto:
a) “Leave No Child Behind.”
b) “Suffer the Children to Come Unto Us.”
c) “What Would Michael Jackson Do?”
d) “Safe for the Whole Family.”
3. Groundhog Day had special significance this year for Middle Tennesseans because:
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a) people remembered the true meaning of the overcommercialized holiday.
b) your mama’s so ugly, when she pokes out her head we get six more weeks of winter.
c) Bill Hall was forced to relive the same day over and over.
d) a jury put away convicted killer Robert “Groundhog” Todd on Feb. 2, prompting the Daily News Journal to report “Groundhog Won’t See His Shadow.”
4. Last spring, CMT advertised that it would pay someone $100,000 a year for a most unusual job. What was it?
a) Cledus T. Judd’s full-time bikini waxer.
b) Co-host of Mindy McCready’s Oxycontin Countdown.
c) Wearing a giant foam-rubber taco suit and running through the halls yelling, “Eek! Eek! I’m a giant taco!”
d) “Vice President of the Dukes of Hazzard Institute,” an only-in-America post that involved watching countless hours of Dukes of Hazzard reruns and serving as the show’s ambassador.
5. Nashville rapper Young Buck celebrated his birthday in high style with:
a) a powder-puff party at Club Libby Lu.
b) 2-for-1 Thickburgers at Hardee’s.
c) Lee Greenwood.
d) a melee at local nightclub The Trap, which got trashed (reportedly with some urging from the rapper’s entourage) when nearly 700 people outside tried to rush the building.
6. Metro Police Officer David Hedge resigned last month after a yearlong investigation. The report concluded that when he sent in coordinates 1.6 miles from his actual location, he was really:
a) getting a kitten out of a tree.
b) getting help for a stranded motorist.
c) getting toys for needy children.
d) getting a blowjob from a woman he met the day before in the course of duty.
7. Jenny Farrell, a Nashville Star finalist, attracted attention when she:
a) sang something interesting.
b) didn’t sound like an imitator of a Martina McBride imitator.
c) appeared on a show that wasn’t Nashville Star.
d) grew visibly ill onstage and ran off to throw up.
8. Joe Banner of North Carolina was arrested in May on a traffic stop in Erwin, Tenn., and charged with manufacturing methamphetamine. Police broke the case when:
a) a highly trained drug-sniffing dog alerted officers.
b) a detachable panel dislodged in plain view.
c) agents noticed an ammonia-like smell emanating from the trunk.
d) Banner stepped out of the car with a beer in his hand and said, “I’ve got a meth lab in the car.”
9. According to a blatantly bogus entry in the online Wikipedia, the Belle Meade Country Club is:
a) inclusive.
b) lively.
c) cheap.
d) an institution founded by Reconstruction-era circus folk with health-tonic earnings.
10. In one of the year’s most bizarre murder cases, Rafael DeJesus Rocha-Perez, 35, was arrested in the beating death of 44-year-old Jeffrey A. Freeman in April. The murder allegedly occurred after Freeman opened his closet and found:
a) R. Kelly.
b) Tom Cruise.
c) Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal.
d) the snoring Rocha-Perez, who unbeknownst to Freeman had been living there for a month while having an affair with Freeman’s wife.