Cover Story
In the world of Internet sex ads, everyone’s looking to get drilled, fisted or sucked dry, and if you believe the online sextravaganza at www.adultfriendfrinder.com, 255,000 of those libidinous posters are living in Tennessee. With more than 22 million members worldwide, adultfriendfinder.com is the velveted, big-hat wearing, cane-dragging pimp of the Internet, hooking up horny singles, couples, transvestites, scoundrels and scalawags through an online community of vivid profiles, pictures, videos and voices. Twenty bucks gets your profile posted, whether you’re looking for the “right one” or for discreet one-off encounters with like-minded lusters.
The adults-only website caters to nearly every legal perversion—postings for bestiality, necrophilia and pedophilia are expressly forbidden. Looking for a threesome? Got it. How about a foursome with a bunch of cross-dressers? No problem. No-holds-barred S&M circus sex-fest with a 70-year-old transgendered clown in the back of a pickup truck? Keep checking back; hundreds of images and messages are uploaded every day for members to plow through when looking to plow or get plowed.
Blowjob queens, tranny sluts and guys with “huge loads” populate this Pandora’s box of porn, where nobody seems to want to know your name. Rather than post headshots, like on most standard-issue dating sites, adult friend seekers tend to promote their private parts, as if to underscore the philosophy “It’s just sex—why bother to put a face on it?”
The website exploits the hyper-localizing potential of the Internet, letting you sort sexual candidates by geographic area. Apparently 37204 is inundated with sex-starved men and women, gays and lesbians, transgendereds and transvestites. Personality questionnaires probe your purity, hedonistic tendencies and erotic allure, not to mention the finer points of your favorite authors, movies and bands, for anyone who feels like a little chitchat might help break the ice. Members rate each other’s photos on a 10-point scale. Personal videos display everything from modest, smiling women to ferocious orgiastic frenzies. The more die-hard members post continuous live footage of themselves available for 24-hour voyeurism by anyone who needs constant inspiration to master the Jedi hand trick.
In porn movies, all men have dicks at least 8 inches long and 2 inches wide, and women have large breasts or, at least, perfect nipples. But here in the real world of adultfriendfinder, most members are, at best, average. Within five minutes of spending 20 bucks to join—in the hopes of finding some lonely porn star look-a-like with a heart of gold and the pictures to prove it—it became clear that most of the site’s members were nothing short of unspectacular. Drooping breasts, saggy testicles, stretch marks and other disappointing real-life features are subordinate to claims of a ravenous sexual appetite. Indeed, it seems that all can be forgiven when a “swollen clit needs stimulation,” or a “colossal cock” needs to be swallowed (only enormous members please).
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Trying to fit in with the overwhelmingly graphic personal profiles—and for research purposes only, of course—I created my own bio and, for about a week, searched the site to see how long it would take to get laid. I was looking for someone whose idea of normalcy didn’t involve a double-penetration anal-rama on all fours. It took some time, but I finally found some good girls looking for friendship and love—girls who spell “come” the same way I do. Unfortunately, my X-rated profile must have scared the crap out of them. Next time, maybe I shouldn’t talk so much about “my standard white-issue penis.”
Or more likely, next time I’ll just stick to the bar scene, where “Can I buy you drink?” usually works. Drinks anyone?