Suburban Turmoil
My son is only 2 months old and already he’s a breast man.
The experts will tell you that babies are supposed to eat every three to four hours, but according to my 16-pound Bruiser, feeding schedules are for wimps. Deny him his spot at the 24-Hour Boob Buffet and he’ll let out a wail that, I’m told, is audible as far away as Bell Buckle. Trust me, you don’t want to be the poor sucker sitting next to us in the airplane/church/restaurant when that happens.
That’s why I made the decision to breast-feed my baby on demand, no matter where we happen to be. Yes, I try to have a bottle ready for the times when we’re going to be out. Yes, I look for a quiet, secluded place where I can keep my milk jugs hidden from the stares of pervs and pursed-lipped old ladies. But should I find myself in the position of either publicly feeding my son or enduring his ear-splitting howls of outrage, do us both a favor and just look away, because the way I see it, I’m doing you and my baby a favor by saving his peace of mind and your eardrums.
Besides, Tennessee law is on my side, stating that I can nurse my baby anywhere I have a right to be. That being the case, you’d think that discreetly breast-feeding in public wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Think again.
“I know a woman who was breast-feeding at one of the big church services in town and an usher asked her to leave the auditorium,” one mom in my playgroup volunteered when I brought up the topic the other day.
“My sister was nursing at a restaurant not too far from here,” added my friend Elizabeth, “and the manager came over and asked her to feed her baby in the rest room. She said, ‘Would you eat your dinner in a bathroom stall?’ and kept right on feeding.”
Surprised at the number of nursing narks out there, I took the issue to my website ( suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com ), figuring the thousands of moms who read every day would eagerly lend me their support. Boy, was I wrong.
“Breast-feeding in public demeans both the mother and the baby,” wrote one woman.
“In my humble opinion, business owners have the right to ask you to leave their property if you are making other patrons feel uncomfortable,” a reader named Cameron added.
“If my 16-year-old son ogles your boob while you’re breast-feeding, don’t give him any dirty looks either,” declared Virginia. “After all, you whipped it out for everyone to see, and if you don’t like it, I guess that’s your problem.”
Another mom suggested I stay home if I need to breast-feed and find someone else to run my errands for me. Hey, that’s a great idea! Any volunteers?
I also received even more public breastfeeding horror stories.
“I was having lunch once with a friend in Murfreesboro,” wrote Stephanie, “and she started nursing her baby at our table, and you would have thought she had started masturbating from the look (nay, the stare) of our waiter.”
Mary unintentionally provoked the wrath of some blue-haired mall-walkers when she tried to nurse her baby in a quiet corner of Bellevue Center Mall. “I could feel their disapproval burning into me with every lap,” she wrote. “In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been scowled at so much in my life!”
It’s enough to make a breast-feeding woman utterly paranoid. When I fed Bruiser in a dark movie theater a few weeks ago, I couldn’t stop glancing over at the nearest strangers, a dad and his young son who were sitting two rows away from me. Could the guy tell what I was doing? Maybe he had excellent night vision! What if he called the management? Would there be a scene? A scene that would embed itself in Bruiser’s subconscious, causing him to knock down small children and spray-paint the neighbor’s cat hot pink five years later? I could almost hear that can of Enfamil in the back of the kitchen pantry calling my name.
At least I’m not the only one cowering under my receiving blanket. “Now that I’m living in West Tennessee and 10 weeks away from having my next baby, I’m pretty nervous about nursing in public,” wrote a woman named Mary Beth. “But I plan to carry a copy of the federal law and the state law in my diaper bag and show it to whomever feels the need to try to kick me out of wherever I am.” Still, there’s good news for all of you who maintain that a breast-feeder’s place is in the home. Glaring at a nursing mother and making snide remarks is perfectly legal. Keep it up and before you know it, all of Tennessee’s babies will be formula-fed and excessive cleavage will be restored to its rightful places on every magazine stand, television network and public beach in America.