Helter Shelter
There’s a new rapture in town, and you can find it at www.book22.com. It’s an online store for frisky married Christians in need of God-approved sex toys. There’s no kink—no foot washing, no snake handling, no cute little red devil costumes, and no porn videos. But there are some light-bondage supplies and strong suggestions that active Christian couples might want to try “speaking in tongues” now and then, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
For instance, Book22 sells Head Candy, which is described as “an unbelievably satisfying oral experience. Head Candy will allow you to feel and administer pleasure like never before. Each pack includes one set of Gum Job (for use on him) and one set of Clitoral Kiss (for use on her). The candy is pressed onto the teeth, creating a smooth, slippery cushion. Both certified kosher with a delicious passion fruit flavor!”
Sweet Baby Jesus! A sex aid for married couples who don’t know how to keep their teeth off their partner’s business. It troubles me that there’s a need for such a thing. I’m glad to see that the folks at Book22 are showing some love to our Jewish friends, but I feel a little sorry for the unfortunate rabbi who has to spend his days blessing the Christians’ Head Candy.
Book22 is owned and operated by Oregonians Kevin and Joy Wilson, a self-described “Christian couple who have been married for over 11 years now.”
Here’s a little something from the “About Book22” page on their website. “We have prayed every step of the way for guidance on what products to offer on this site.”
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Heaven help me, I can just hear one of the prayers in my mind: “O Lord, please guide us to the best vibrator. We can’t decide between the Hitachi Magic Wand and the Acu-Vibe.”
And the heavenly reply: “Well, the Magic Wand has a little more power, which would be good for the hard-to-arouse. And it has attachments, including a dandy G-spotter. On the other hand, the Acu-Vibe has rechargeable batteries, which makes it portable. You can take the Acu-Vibe to the beach!”
Apparently, the Lord’s a horsepower Man. Book22 sells the Hitachi Magic Wand.
Although there are no realistic phalluses for sale on the website, there are some highly stylized multi-purpose units, such as the purple “Personalizer,” which has impressive plastic protuberances and “easy-to-use push button controls for both vibration and rotation.” That thing will set a God-fearing couple back a hundred bucks. Not to belabor an earlier point, but if it’s a couple who needs those Kosher tooth covers, the Personalizer is probably worth every penny.
For the cost-conscious, there’s the 2Touch Bunny, an all-in-one clitoral stimulator and penis ring. According to the website, it also will stretch to fit, is odorless and easy to clean.
Thank God. If there’s anything a couple would want odorless, it’s a brand new sex toy, just out of the box.
Which brings me to this: the good folks at Book22 are nothing if not sensitive. They’ve made special arrangements with their toy suppliers that ensure that packages with objectionable images—naked people doing stuff, for instance—are repackaged before they’re sent to skittish customers.
The Wilsons are serious about their mission to improve the sex lives of married couples. For instance, they don’t sell any books, tapes, DVDs or gadgets that would even suggest threesomes.
Clearly, these folks are not prudes. Best I can tell, they’re in favor of some good, clean mischief every now and then. For instance, their website offers four styles of non-piercing nipple rings, just the thing for playing a little dress-up.
More mischievous yet are the leopard-spotted Remote Vibrating Panties, a thong with a little pocket down there for the ZR-5000 wireless stimulator, which can be set off from a distance of 12 feet or less. Glory be, if I could set off one or more of those vibrating panty thongs in the church house, I’d do it every Sunday.
And don’t you know, I’d do it during the altar call. “Whoa, Jesus! I’m coming, Jesus!”
The remote-control toe-curling panties go for $94. Used correctly—as described above—a few such panties could be priceless. Don’t worry about getting caught. Who’s going to tell on you?
To their credit, the folks at Book22 offer useful info on their blog, explaining how to clean and store “intimacy products.” They tell you where and how to clean them up and wipe them down. They tell you which lubricants work with which products, and even tell you about how long a vibrator will last.
When the party’s over, and it’s time to call it a day, Book22 offers The Devine Satchel, “a black locking bag… with internal loops for oils or batteries.” It also “doubles as a chic purse or provocative overnight bag.” Just the thing to keep the kids from plundering through mama’s Head Candy, Hitachi Magic Wand and vibrating come-to-Jesus church panties.