Garrigan
On a high school campus near you, some version of the following conversation is not happening—and never will:
Dude wearing Chuck Taylors and skinny jeans: “Man, I got wasted Saturday night.”
Dude wearing ripped cargos and a messenger bag: “Me too, man.”
First dude, with iPod ear buds dangling from his neck: “I was at Publix and spied this wicked cool Napa chardonnay and got this hot cougar to buy it for me.”
Second dude, drawing on the bottom of his combat boots: “You mean the one with the Asian pear and oak flavors….”
First dude: “Yeah, bro, it was the Farniente. But you’re trippin’. For me, it was all about the guava and ripe fig mixed with a hint of clove. I don’t think I tasted any Asian pear.”
Not even at Hume-Fogg or MBA, folks. Even the girls at Harpeth Hall would surely prefer Milwaukee’s Best beer, the teenage toast of champions—assuming, that is, they can’t get into daddy’s liquor cabinet, which studies have found is by far the preferred source for teens to score alcohol.
But to hear the Tennessee Wine & Spirits Wholesalers and their well-paid lobbyist goon—Tom Hensley of Jackson, Tenn.—tell it, Tennesseans should perpetuate antiquated and illogical liquor laws that prevent grocery and convenience stores from selling wine the way 33 other states do. Why? To save the kiddies from their self-destructive predilections, of course.
A color-coded map of the U.S. showing states where grocery retailers can sell wine vs. where they can’t looks a lot like a CNN graphic of Barack Obama’s vs. Hillary Clinton’s presidential primary victories. In both cases, Tennessee is among the minority.
But because neither logic nor public opinion is on their side, Hensley and the liquor wholesalers have resorted to this phony argument about the dangers of teen drinking, hoping to alert the blue hairs and Bible thumpers to their self-interested cause, which is being challenged in the Tennessee General Assembly—where for years they have so greased lawmakers with booze and favors that these public officials are little more than indentured servants.
Among the foes of Hensley and his sugar client are the Tennessee Grocers and Convenience Store Association, the Tennessee Farm Winegrowers Association, the Tennessee Retailers Association and The Wine Institute.
In other words, we’re in for a long-overdue fight, and we enthusiastically drink to it.
“Tennesseans Against Teen Drinking is a statewide coalition of concerned Tennesseans dedicated to raising awareness of underage drinking throughout the state of Tennessee,” says a new website bankrolled by the Tennessee liquor wholesalers and created by a local PR firm. “The organization is an outgrowth of the national We Don’t Serve Teens program, and includes beverage alcohol industry leaders and law enforcement who are committed to curbing underage drinking by raising awareness of the dangers that alcohol poses to teens…. The organization also supports state and local efforts to enforce laws against underage drinking, and opposes legislation that would further open up access to alcohol for teens in Tennessee.”
Even if this website had been created out of legitimate concern for the safety of Tennessee youth, it conveniently fails to acknowledge what studies by the Centers for Disease Control and others have revealed: that wine is very rarely the alcohol choice of underage drinkers. Beyond that, retailers are already required by law to check IDs of those purchasing alcohol, and they would continue to. Further, if passed, the legislation would apply only in municipalities that already allow package stores. Dry places would remain barren wastelands where mirth and debauchery go to die, so the unfortunate residents in those towns need not fear any invasion of the modern world.
Hensley,
Tennesseans are tired of making two trips for basic dinner ingredients.
You’ve made a nice living making life inconvenient for all of us. So if
you’re pissed that we used your phone number in the headline, use some
of those ill-gotten gains to buy yourself some new phone lines.
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