Phone Tree Love

Dear Mexican: If a Mexican were working at a coffee shop, would it be racist to call him a “beaner”?Senior Rapido

Dear Gabacho: No, but no es funny—about as clever as Minutemen chanting, “No se Puede!” Try “burrito-ista.”

Dear Mexican: Being in law enforcement, I’ve had to handle many radio runs. I think Mexicans are some of the hardest-working people in Mexi-America, but why is it when Mexicans drink, they often stab or hit a brother or cousin? Why not a stranger to shake off some of that tension?Hateful Hermanos Harmful

Dear Triple H Gabacho: Mexican family and drinking is as volatile a mix as an Irishman and Jameson, but stats don’t support your anecdotal evidence. The 2005 study, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances by the United States Department of Justice’s Bureau of Justice Statistics, found “Whites and blacks were more likely than Hispanics or persons of other races to be victimized by family violence” between 1998 and 2002, the most recent period investigated by the DOJ. As I’ve written before in this column, “alcohol” and “logic” repel each other like “border” and “enforcement”—apologies for the reiteration, gentle readers, but sometimes the most obvious answers are those that are pirated.

BOYCOTT ABSOLUT VODKA! For their cowardly capitulation to the Know Nothing nation over the company’s recent advertising campaign, which imagined that the Mexican-American War never occurred and that what’s now the Southwest United States always remained on the Mexican side of la frontera. Hey, Absolut: Here in Americaztlán, we value people who stand by their actions, who don’t back down in the face of petty protestations from whiners. May the Mohammedans who keep invading Sweden’s shores teach your countrymen the beauty of a vodka-free life.

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