Ménage? Uh, No

Dear Mexican,

Ménage a Tres

Dear Gabacho,

I asked 10 Mexican women and 10 males whether they enjoy the occasional group grope. Y el survey says…negatory for the ladies, sí for one guy (with my gabacha ex, it turns out—oh, the curses and putazos exchanged after that surprise). “Threesomes with Mexicans? Hell, I have a hard enough time getting into a twosome with any race,” went the typical response. The results didn’t surprise me. Don’t believe Y Tu Mamá También: threesomes just aren’t part of the Mexican sexual vocabulary. Blowjobs (also known as “soplazos”)? Sure! Anal? Of course! Infidelity? See below! But not threesomes, Ménage—perdónanos. If you want some brown sugar to sweeten your relationship, buy a bag of C&H and dump it on your bed.

Dear Mexican,

Why is it that from my personal, thoroughly unscientific observations, it seems blue-collar, illiterate Mexicans are more prone to cheating on their wives than other races? Almost every other Mexican I have known seems to brag about how they got it on with their mamacitas while their wife and daughters of 7 and 8 were busy at the Sunday church.

Cheatie Cheatie Bang Bang

Dear Gabacho,

You’re right—sort of. In the landmark 1994 Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed a random sample of 3,500 Americans and found that 25 percent of married men had strayed from their vows. Latino rates of infidelity were about the same, and lead researcher Edward Laumann told Hispanic Magazine that “he believed the stereotype of Latinos being more unfaithful than other people was overstated.” But there weren’t enough funds to create a Spanish-language questionnaire, meaning most of the 300 or so Latinos surveyed were pochos and not immigrant Mexican men. In the mother country, though, male infidelity is as Mexican as the tricolor—condoned by the church, tolerated by women, lionized in song. My favorite paean to cheating remains “Las Ferias de las Flores” (“The Flower Fairs”), a Chucho Monge composition immortalized by Trio Calavera that uses flowers as metaphors for mujeres and includes the immortal verse “And although another wants to cut her / I saw her first / And I vow to steal her / Even if she has a gardener.” So the question isn’t why Mexican men cheat, Cheatie, but rather why we tone down our tools upon immigrating to this country. Notch another victory for Manifest Destiny, which since the days of Cotton Mather has labored long and hard to turn this nation’s virile ethnic men into pussy Protestants.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com.