Ask a Mexican
Dear Readers: My July 20 column advising Enamorada Gabacha to improve her relationship with the Mexican who invaded her heart by giving him “an old-school blowjob” drew many letters—starting with Gabacha in Love herself:
Well of course I thought of a good old-school blowjob, silly. How do you think I calmed his ass down enough to actually have sex the first time? I thought he was gong to have a heart attack. While he loves the BJs (especially since his Mexican ex-wife wouldn’t do that—what’s up with that?), we’re still struggling. He thinks I’m gorgeous, the nicest person he’s ever met and he loves the sex but doesn’t really believe that I would or could be part of his life in the long run. He’s planning to move to Texas to be closer to his kids. I’m heartbroken and wonder if I should never go down this road again—or if it was just him. What do you think—no more gorgeous Mexican guys for me?
Suffering from a similar predicament is El Fruncido (Frowning Wab):
I’m dating a gabacha who’s very much into Mexicans, but if there’s anything American culture has taught us, it’s that gabachos like their ethnics a bit manicured. They keep reminding us how “quaint” our culture, country and language seem to them but then hire people like Charlton Heston and Antonio Banderas to play Mexicans. It’s only natural that the inferiority complex Octavio Paz constantly pondered comes knocking from behind our door every now and then. I think the blowjob solution for Enamorada Gabacha is a great idea, but can a relationship between a Mexican and a gringo really work in the long term? Or is the cultural clash more like our countries’ diplomatic relations, where the United States commands and its poorer southern neighbors must follow?
Enamorada, you’re right to wonder why Mexican women don’t like to mamar vergas—it stems from the Thomist notion that sex acts without the possibility of conception are a cardinal sin. But if you’re still experiencing problems with your Mexican, you’ve discovered something profound—noncommittal pussy men transcend borders. Any hombre who won’t commit to a smart, sexy girl like yourself no es a real Mexican man, so kick that puto out, Enamorada Gabacha, and prepare yourself for the waves of gorgeous Mexican guys who will undoubtedly bug me for your email. And Frowning Wab: you bad-mouth gabachas, yet you date one. No oral sex yet, eh?
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Email the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com.